child psychiatrist says no birth family relationship... what do i do?

so-tired · 09-15-2004, 01:56 PM

Hi All!

We met with a child psychiatrist who deals in adoption and trauma. We spoke to her for awhile and she said some things I was not expecting.

She said that Artie should not be told he is adopted until he is about 4-6 which is really when he starts asking "where did I come from?". There are a lot of reasons not to tell them early she said and the one that I thought was most interesting was he needs to think of YOU as his family, not have another one hanging over his head before he has the skills to understand and deal with it.

Also she said that she would limit or preferably stop the visits with birth grandma (and any other birth family). She said it would not only be confusing it would tie in with the above, he needs to think of us as his family before we introduce another.

There was more she gave us but I am still absorbing it all.

I don't know what to do. To be totally honest I wouldn't mind cutting ties with birth family to some degree. I want to focus on our family and that is hard when you have birth grandma wanting visits quite often (and often cancelling at the last second). I feel like I have Artie's birth family, and often her friends and family who are strangers, constantly looking in and disrupting our family. I have not stopped contact or limited it because she told me before we adopted that this is what she was afraid would happen and made me promise I wouldn't. I also don't want Artie to feel like I kept anything from him.

What I really want is the birth family to be there when HE wants to see them. When he has questions. Not to make him see them for their own comfort. I know that birth grandma would not accept that tho.

Lastly birth mom has become very unstable and has no visitations with him. The last time I spoke with her she made some very bizarre comments that made myself and others think she was wanting to kidnap him. Birth grandma doesn't even know where we live since we moved. We meet at her place because I am so freaked out by it. Birth mom still stays with birth grandma sometimes.

Any advice, suggestions, thoughts? I really don't know what to do!

Delila · 09-15-2004, 11:51 PM

That's a tough one. I agree with cutting the ties with the birth family for awhile but I don't agree with not telling your son he is adopted until he is older. I haven't gone through this yet but I am planning on telling my child or children as soon as they can understand. I have two cousins and a close friend who were adopted. My cousin is 30 now and she was told from the time she was able to listen to a bed time story (about 1 1/2 yrs old) where she came from. No details back then about the birthmother. my aunt used to tell her the story Just that there was a mommy and daddy who wanted a baby so bad and got on a plane and went to the hospital and picked up the baby that was meant for them her name was Annie etc... Then the nice judge said will you promise to be a good mommy blah blah....and the mommy & daddy adopted Annie and they will be a family forever.........They never made a big thing about it with either cousin. Just wanted the kids to know what adopted meant from an early age...you never know who will say something to them either on purpose or accidently. My cousin said she was shocked when she was about 10 or 12 and realized that not all babies are adopted. The whole bm thing on the other hand makes me extremly nervous I don't plan to have any contact. When my child gets older and wants information I will share it and if there comes a point when a meeting is in order that will be okay to. I feel though that to keep it "normal" you should just concentrate on your family not the extended birthfamily. To me that is just bizzarre. Sorry for rambling on like this. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Scyg · 09-16-2004, 11:56 AM

I know there are thousands of couples who deal with open adoptions on a daily basis. I hope they can provide some answers for you.
As far as not telling your child, we were told to tell the child as he asks questions. Our child is from Russia, and we don't plan to hide it from him. I do like the idea of telling your child a story like the one in the above post. That was a very creative idea, and I may use it myself.

klceskie1 · 09-16-2004, 09:51 PM

I am not in expert in that I don't have a degree but I do have some experience as I am adopted. I don't know how or when my parents told me but I always knew so it was never a surprise. I have not had any contact with my birth parents but I did request non-identifying medical information when I got married. I don't know if this answers anything but just a story from someone who has been through a somewhat similar experience. I don't think a child would be emotionally ready to meet their birthparents until they would be able to realize that they have a wonderful life now and they gave him/her up so that the child could have a better life! Good luck

CysterAngela · 09-16-2004, 11:15 PM

I have an adopted daughter who just turned 4. We have had her since birth. She knows she is adopted and we have always talked about it. Adoption is not a bad thing in fact it is one of the most beautiful things there is. There is such a negative stigma towards adoption in this society. It sounds to me that this psychologist is caought up in this. To me if you keep it from your child until they are 4 or 5 aren't you saying indirectly that adoption is a thing you should be ashamed about. THere is a great book that address these type of topics. It's called
Adoption Nation:
How The Adoption Revolution is Transforming America
by Adam Pertman

It is very good. I was fortunate to have heard the author speak at an adoption conference I attended.

As far as the contact, how can more people loving your child hurt? It is all up to you the amount of contact you feel comfortable with. You are the one holding all the cards. It is a big decision and I would research it and talk to a lot of people and read the book. I really think this lady is wrong. But that is just my opinion.

Good luck!

Angela

SoonerGal · 09-17-2004, 01:27 AM

I don't know if this helps or not but we are new parents of a baby girl brought to us through open adoption. Our agency requires families to read the book "Children of open adoption". This is a WONDERFUL book that might help you and anyone else with this subject. Personally, I don't think I agree with your Dr. but each situation is different and you have to do what is right for you. We were a little nervous at first, but we have a WONDERFUL relationship with our birthmom and her mother. We were chosen by her because of our strong family unit's that she did not have. So we look at it as our family just became bigger!! But again, we are very blessed at all aspects of our adoption. We want one more in a few years and our birthmom has even said that she wants to tell the new family what great parents we are!! WOW!! I hope things become clear for you!! Feel free to ask me anything, if I can help I am more than happy!!

Many Blessings!
Michelle

dms · 09-18-2004, 11:36 AM

I agree with the therapist 100%! My daughter is adopted and is 2. I do not plan on telling her that she is adopted until she asks where she came from. Then, I will keep it very simple and only answer the questions that she has. I will not elaborate. Right now, I have some childrens books about adoption that I have thrown in with her other books. That way, she is familiar with the term adoption and it will seem "all right" and not be as scary.

I believe that you should stop all visits with the birthfamily. I think it is okay to send letters and pictures to them if you wish but it is too confusing to have two families around for Artie. If the birth grandmother loves him then she will understand. Besides, you are his mother now so it is up to you...not her.

I know that my opinions may vary from others. That's okay. I think it is all up to the individual person/family. So do what you feel is right for Artie. What does your heart tell you to do?

Good luck,
Dawn