Childfree? Am I giving up or being sensible?

Artemis74 · 01-26-2008, 06:31 PM

(I hope this is the correct place to post, but feel free to move it if appropriate!)

I have been feeling very miserable after experiencing m/c #3, and the thought popped into my head, "How much happier do I really think I would be if I did manage to have a child?"
I concluded, probably in the long run, equally happy or maybe less so. Many studies have shown that women with children are less happy than women who don't have children- married and single. And general happiness levels seem stable in people regardless of life circumstances. One example is when people win millions in the lottery, or lose their ability to walk in a traumatic injury, ask them a few years after the event, and they are both about at the same level of happiness as before the big event.
So, knowing sensibly that I would probably not be much happier with a child or without, what would be the reason to keep trying, going through the agony of losses, fatigue, emotional stress on my husband and straining our finances? I know people want children for a variety of reasons, but ultimately it's for our own satisfaction in some way. But given that there are children needing to be adopted and fostered, it seems more sensible to go that route, if you really feel the need, or to remain childfree.

I worry about the "grass is greener" phenomenon, as well as trying to fill some emotional or social gaps by having a child, are a lot stronger than we would like to admit.

The other thing is, if you ask most mothers if they regret having children, the majority will say, no, the joys of motherhood always outweigh the challenges and the bad things. But how much of that is just social conditioning, not to say anything ghastly about the sacred institution of motherhood, despite what some may truly feel inside? Why does no one ask about the joys of being childfree?

I'm afraid this may come off as rather confrontational, but I would love to hear from others who have thought about this, as it is honestly how I am analysing my situation right now.

brightflower · 01-26-2008, 06:48 PM

Hi Artemis,
You raise some very valid points. Specifically, about all the hurdles we put ourselves through and the sacrifices we make along the way. I think about other relationships of mine that have suffered because I have been consumed with ttc. I have had one son (5 today!) and one m/c. We are ttc again but it feels so much more agonizing this time around because we have now gone down two very different paths with it. After the m/c I told myself I would never try again. I didn't want to feel anymore pain and now I am feeling it again with each BFN. I'm trying to decide after this recent BFN if we will go on. My spirit just feels heavy and I just want joy in my life. I wonder if I am depriving the child I do have of a present mother? For me, if we do stop, I do wonder if I will always feel that I gave up?
I'm curious to hear what other people think. Thanks for being brave enough to start this conversation.

Kathy2579 · 01-26-2008, 08:08 PM

You make good points. I can tell you from having 3 MC's it doesn't get easier at all. I have lost 5 in 3. I want you to know that deep in your mind, heart and soul you will know what you want. I would suggest if you are not sure if you want to be a parent try foster care of short term. It may help you see if the grass is greener on the other side. Emotional it is normal to feel this way, and you will have ups and downs. The downs will feel more than the ups.. HUGS

polly-pcos · 01-26-2008, 08:24 PM

Hi Artemis,

I think this is a very valid point and it is something I think about a great deal. Of course there is no right answer and as the previous poster says, go with what you feel. My only trouble is although I can see all the reasons to be pleased with what I have, and I can remember the agonising heartbreak of losing a baby, and the worry I felt through the pg, there are just some days when I feel I would give anything to have a baby, and it's completely my heart speaking not my head.

I would love to adopt, and although I've not investigated it a great deal, I think here in the UK, they want evidence of fertility treatment etc. I have 'only' had 2 m/c both conceived naturally, so am not sure that is enough if you know what I mean.

My other issue is that DH is quite a sensitive soul and was so upset by the later m/c and how it affected me that he doesn't want to ttc.

Thanks for your post x

Fleegle4 · 01-26-2008, 09:07 PM

First, I'm sorry for your losses. I had one m/c and it was hard. I still don't know how people endure it again and again.

My first recommendation to you is to not decide anything right now, but to take a break. If you're on drugs, doing IUI or IVF, just cut it out. Take some time to just be. Enjoy your life and your husband. Have sex when you want to, not because it's baby-making time. See how that goes for a while.

The problem with trying to be rational about the decision to have children, is that for many people, myself included, it becomes emotional. You can justify one choice to high heaven, but some little voice inside you pushes you toward the other one. I was very intellectual about my desire to have children until I was about 37. I thought babies were okay, but also felt that infancy was something to be endured until the child became old enough to be interesting. I could play with a small child, but I'd get bored. I intellectually knew that some day I'd like to have them, but something snapped at 37 and it became emotional. I couldn't look at families with small children without losing it inside. I suddenly had that patience with small children and babies that I had never had before and found them charming. My desire for children switched from an intellectual need to a very emotional one. (Thanks, biological clock). There were some problems -- for starters, I wasn't married, and not on the cusp of being married. Last year, however, I found someone who thought it was just as important as I did that I at least try to have a child before my time ran out, so we agreed to try and see what happened. Like you, I didn't know if it would work and whether I'd eventually have a child, but I knew I'd never forgive myself if I didn't try. My midlife crisis/biological clock alarm is now in here kicking me in the ribs.

Give yourself some time to sort yourself out. You've got several things to think about -- do you want children? Do you have to have your own biological children, or would adoption work for you? How far are you willing to go to have children? Will you always wonder 'what if' for the rest of my life if you don't raise a child?

I had answered most of these questions -- there were certain limits to what I was willing to do medically to have a child, I wasn't really keen on adoption and realized I still had time to make that decision, and I knew I'd never forgive myself if I didn't try. I set some limits to how long I'd try and how far I'd go. At this point, I believe I was meant to have a child as I got pregnant without any medical intervention at 38, with PCOS, no drugs essentially on demand. I lost the first one, so six weeks later my body dutifully got pregnant again. I've had all kinds of problems with this pregnancy, yet we just keep dodging every bullet.

The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what I think about having children. It matters what you think. If you have to talk yourself into one decision, it may not be the right one. Good luck.

deblynnc · 01-26-2008, 09:12 PM

I've been on both sides of that issue. DH and I went through 7 years, IUI's, IVF's, 3 m/c's TTC. Through all of that, I experienced the high hopes when those 2 lines appeared, and the devastation of seeing it end. I was ready to stop trying many times, but I kept on because my husband really wanted his own biological child. I just wanted to be a mother, whether I ever gave birth or not. I felt like we were wasting money, wasting time and tearing ourselves up emotionally to always end up with nothing to show for it. I would have gladly stopped all that and tried to adopt.

It did finally happen for us, and my world has turned in a completely different direction. I love my children more than I can say and I am happy. I love watching them learn and grow, and it is a joy to see little bits of my husband and myself in them.

Still, caring for young children isn't easy by any means. I made a lot of sacrifices to be able to have my kids, and the sacrifices continue. There are times all I want to do is just get away by myself and leave the stress of it behind me for a while. I miss some things about my child-free days - the freedom to just go out on a whim, being able to start and finish something without interruption, the alone time DH and I rarely get these days, watching movies that don't have animated characters.... But I know these days will pass quickly and I will have the chance to have those things again.

Ultimately, only you can decide how much you want to pursue this, if the costs, both in money and emotion, are worth it for the chance, but not the guarantee, that it will work. We can never know what we would have found down the road we chose not to take. We can only choose to make the most of the one we did take. And, IMO, happiness is found in the attitude with which we live our lives, not in the circumstances we live in.

Good luck and best wishes to you, whatever road you take from here. {{{HUGS}}}

winkiwoo · 01-26-2008, 10:08 PM

Hi to all...I am a long time lurker and a first time poster. I just registered to specifically respond to the Artemis.

My husband and I are child free. We have been married for 6 years, both desparately wanted a child, and tried Clomid for 6 months with no results. The next step was the injections but since insurance would not cover any portion of it, we had a whole lot of very serious discussions.

When we were deciding whether or not to go for the injections, we wrote out a completely honest list of the pros and cons of what our life would be like with and without children. To tell you the truth, one of the main reasons we decided not to go forward was because we were both too irresponsible and immature to be responsible for another life. I know that sounds bad, but at least we realized that before a child came along. I am now 33 and DH is 36, and it still holds true today.

So I look at our childless present and future and I am very happy. I don't think I am missing a thing. Sure, every once in a great while it bothers me to know my DH won't get to be a dad - he is so great with his nephew, kids are absolutely drawn to him where ever we go.

But if you want the complete, total, utter, unrated truth, if I found out tomorrow I was pregnate, (- and this comes from somebody who 5 years ago very very much wanted 4 or 5 kids -) I would be devestated.

If I offended anyone by that last statement, I truely apologize, that was not my intent. One of my many flaws is I'm about as subtle as sledgehammer.

Good luck to you Artemis in deciding what is right for you.

Mireille · 01-26-2008, 10:25 PM

Well, first of all, there's a difference between 'childless' and 'childfree', and you'll probably want to be careful about which one of those you toss about. Childfree is a good idea for a term, but it tends to bring to mind people who go on about moo-mies and crotch droppings (children) and other completely vulgar and offensive (and immature) names, which is why I refuse to use the term to describe myself. It also indicates someone who actively does not want children, ever. The previous poster is childfree.

You, otoh, sound like you're just not sure what you want anymore, or if what you're going through is going to be worth it in the end. Which is okay. Maybe what you really need is a bit of soul-searching on the subject, which is far better done before you have kids than after.

(I never wanted children, but I did have a period (a few of them), where I took a step back and asked myself if I *really* didn't want kids, or if I always thought that because I knew there was no hope of having any (haha, 27 years old and not so much as a whif of a boyfriend, and I ain't doing that kind of job on my own). It comes up every few years, but every time I come down on the side of happy where I am. If you decide not to have kids right now, don't let that stop you from revisiting the subject every now and then to make sure you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face.)

lunargirl865 · 01-26-2008, 10:26 PM

[My DBF and I talked about how neither of us want babies...and as we are both 42...its ok. It took a long time for me to come to terms with my inability to maintain a pregnancy...I have had 4 M/Cs. The last one in October. When I did have it....I did not even know I was pregnant.....then He and I talked about it again...He said...It would be great if you got pregnant and we were able to have a baby together...but I am happy with it being just the two of us as well.....and I felt pressure lifted off me. Pressure??? I had placed the fact that I thought he did NOT want at all any babies on myself.....so now I am relaxed on it. If I get pregnant and for some miracle carry it to term than I will be blessed...If I never have a baby...it is ok too. I am going to leave it up to nature...no clomid, no IVF...no more....I did that for way tooo long. I cannot take the pain anymore. So I take my metformin and try to eat right so I can lose weight...and we are happy together.
I try not to think about not having a baby as missing out on something.....I realize that all it means is that my life is going to be exactly the way it is right now...nothing will change....I am happy...but If I had the opportunity to have this mans baby...I would be happy as well.....hmmmmmtwo roads for happiness....I feel that makes me lucky.....I give all the baby dust I feel in my heart to all of you out there who are actively trying to conceive.....babies are a miracle and I will always be your cheerleader. besos

uwalcott · 01-26-2008, 10:32 PM

Yes I agree with Mireille. Our feelings on this subject can not only change with time but also can change with the relationship that we are in. Someone who really doesnt want kids can compromise or even end up wanting them if they are with a person to whom that is a great need or desire. The converse can be true to. A person who always wanted kids, even a big family, can realize later in life that they were wrong, that kids aren't right for them. Or they can be with a person who doesn't want kids and out of love can give up that dream for the dream of being with the person they love. I think it's important to keep an open mind. Take a break if you need to, to realize what you want, but keep your options open. You may not always feel like you do today.

Good luck!

winkiwoo · 01-26-2008, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mireille

Well, first of all, there's a difference between 'childless' and 'childfree', and you'll probably want to be careful about which one of those you toss about. The previous poster is childfree.

You might want to be careful about tossing about assumptions...You don't know anything about me other than a 6 month span of ttc and how I feel at this very second over a period of 6 years of my life. I am childless and childfree.

Had I known I would be called out on an issue of semantics, I would have never posted. In fact, I will not post again on this board. Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome.

Goodbye.

Good luck to you Artemis.

jennyj44 · 01-26-2008, 11:31 PM

Wow Deb you have really inspired me! I just suffered my first miscarraige after 6 years of TTC with IUI's IVF and lots of drugs. We actually got pregnant from Letrozole and Ovidrel with BDing. We did it on our own. I have so much confidence, but am afraid.

I have the absolute best care from my doctors. My OB is a friend and we are going to make this happen.

Mireille · 01-27-2008, 02:19 AM

Dude, wtf. Drama much? I didn't mean to imply that *all* people who identify as childfree are idiots who wander around being immature and vulgar, just that for a lot of people that's what that label means. And *separately*, that there is a distinction between people who are without children, and those who are so averse to the idea that they want their own word that conveys their happiness without children.

You said yourself that you and your husband are childfree, and your last two paragraphs back that up. I'm sorry you feel slighted, but you flying off the handle because I used your own words to back up my example is not my problem.

blue_dragon · 01-27-2008, 02:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mireille

Well, first of all, there's a difference between 'childless' and 'childfree', and you'll probably want to be careful about which one of those you toss about. Childfree is a good idea for a term, but it tends to bring to mind people who go on about moo-mies and crotch droppings (children) and other completely vulgar and offensive (and immature) names, which is why I refuse to use the term to describe myself. It also indicates someone who actively does not want children, ever. The previous poster is childfree.

Hey, please be careful not to paint everyone with the same brush. Just because it brings those ideas to your mind does not mean it equals the definition for all. I am childfree and have never used the terms you mentioned above, I ignore them usually (I will admit to laughing my butt off the first time I saw a baby referred to as a "crotch trophy", because when you think of it, we're all somebody's crotch trophy - such labels seem ridiculous to me). I know plenty of other people who use the term childfree to describe themselves, and all of them have different reasons for being CF, with very few of them ever using the terms mentioned above.

ETA: I typed this up before seeing the above post - thanks for the clarification, Mireille.

Quote:

Originally Posted by uwalcott

Someone who really doesnt want kids can compromise or even end up wanting them if they are with a person to whom that is a great need or desire.

How can you compromise with children? You either have them or you don't.

Best of luck to you, Artemis, in whatever your decision may be. It's not an easy one to make, and I hope you're able to get a lot of helpful feedback here.

AlyBlu · 01-27-2008, 03:12 AM

I am "childfree by choice". Though I have many medical issues related to PCOS that helped make my decision - ultamitely this is the right decision for me. And i say "By Choice" because I want to own my decisions and not be a victim of my health issues.

There is a lovely lady on this board who has a great saying "I would rather regret not having them, than regret having them"

You need to really examine your life and the life of your partner and come to a decision together.

I also do not think you can compromise on having a child.