Childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, fear, and coping with the trauma

RockyVT08 · 07-07-2009, 04:08 PM

I noticed that there are many other women on this site who have had similar experiences, so I decided to start a thread where we can discuss and work through these problems. I was sexually abused as a child from birth until I was 12 years old by my older cousin. I also had a best friend in middle school who was abused by her grandfather, and she committed suicide at the age of 12 on the very first day of school in 7^th grade, September 8^th 1998. I lived through it, I’m still dealing with it, and I have seen what it can do to a person who does not get help. Even if you don’t want to talk to a professional, PLEASE do not hesitate to talk about your feelings here. You do not have to be alone, there are many of us out there and we are all dealing with the same problems. We know how you feel.
Even if you were not abused as a child, please take comfort from this thread and share you stories. And if you find great articles on coping with depression, anxiety, paranoia, fear, and living with past child abuse, please post them here.
http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/depabuse
http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/publicat...d-sexual-abuse
http://www.survivors-treehouse.net/A...0Disorder.html
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. (1994). Harperperennial Library; ISBN 0060950668

RockyVT08 · 07-07-2009, 04:17 PM

Psychiatric Symptoms Associated with Childhood Abuse

PTSD

Nightmares
Flashbacks
Memory and concentration problems
Hyperarousal
Hypervigilance
Intrusive memories
Avoidance
Abnormal startle reponses
Feeling worse when reminded of trauma

Dissociative

Out-of-body experiences
Derealization
Amnesia
Fragmented sense of self and identity

Anxiety

Panic attacks
Claustrophobia

Substance Abuse

Alcoholism
Drug addiction

Reference: http://www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.co...havior/ptsd_4/

RockyVT08 · 07-07-2009, 04:53 PM

http://www.ehow.com/how-does_4565469...buse-cope.html
Please look at the links in the related articles on this page. It has things on how to accept yourself, enjoy sex, and other specific issues.

Tina Castle · 07-22-2009, 05:40 AM

Well thank you for starting this thread!!!!

Some of my experiences with sexual abuse are:

-Being molested at age 5 for about a month by an older cousin (dad's nephew) who was living with us for 3 months because he had "behavioral problems". He threatened to kill everyone in the house if I ever told anyone about what was going on. When I learned my younger sister was a victim too I took a stand and blew the cover on his nasty ass. He never touched us again! My brothers chased him down the street with metal poles that day.

-At age 15 I was hanging out with my younger sister and her boyfriend one night and this guy we all knew approached us wanting to talk to me. He pulled me off to the side and asked me to meet him around the corner. I thought it was all a big joke so I went along with it and left my sister and her boyfriend. I led the guy on a wild goose chase (yea I was very juvenile at 15) for about thirty minutes.

When he found me (after sending his friends to hunt me down) he was FURIOUS. He had me follow him to an alley way and told me that he wanted me to perform oral sex on him. When I refused and tried to leave he blocked me. I was scared ****less and did what he said.

So much humiliation followed me after that incident and I felt like tarnished goods.

-In November 2008 my former friend picked up three guys off the street and proceeded to have sex with one of them in the back of his car in front of his house. I was in her car with the other guys just talking to them. I thought they were cool. Two weeks after that incident my friend picks up one of the guys and he has us drive to pick up another on the other side of town.

They then make us drive to a strip club. They go in and we stay outside because we're underaged. They come out and have me drive and then start filling my friend with liquor. For two hours they have me driving in circles pretending to be on the phone with a friend who was going to give us free weed (yes I was a party girl).

During the third hour they make me drive on the freeway and lead us out of town to the boondocks. It was already 2 a.m. and I was tired. I turned us around and headed back into the city and that's when they pulled my friend into the back and began to rape her. There was nowhere to pull over and I didn't want them touching me.

The rape goes on until 4 a.m. and at that point I had made it to the city and had pulled over and ran for dear life away from the car. By 5 a.m. we got rid of them THANK GOD!

My former friend is bipolar (dx. in 2007) with three children & a husband and while I supported her I didn't fully grasp her condition and the highs and lows of it. Her dad proceeded to blame me and ask why I didn't stop it. I have no reason except I didn't want to die that night because my friend was being an idiot and against her mother's warnings had picked up some stray men off the street. Plus my former friend is a COMPULSIVE LIAR. Say I were to've gone to get help all she would've said was nothing was going on. Then I would've looked like the idiot. She was committed two days after that incident, but chose NOT to press any charges.

Why wasn't she worried about her children or her husband? Needless to say that ended our 12 year friendship and she moved onto another guy who beats her senseless and steals her money. Good riddance to her though. When I was trying to tell her that I thought I might be infertile she would laugh.

After all three of my experiences I was finally put on anti-depressants in March 2009 mainly because of insomnia. I stayed on Prozac until the end of April then switched to Amitriptyline for the month of May 2009. I went off the meds in June when I felt the guilt of all the things that had been done to me be lifted off my shoulders.

I think that's the worse part of sexual abuse is the shame and disgust you feel for yourself.

RockyVT08 · 07-23-2009, 03:36 PM

They wanted to put me on an antidepressant but said it would actually hurt my chances for conceiving. Do you know if there are there any that are safe to take while ttc? I may just have to start some st johns wart herbals or something like that.

Atleast you were able to out your cousin, I'm not so lucky. At this point it would just tear my family apart and I'm not sure if I would get any satisfaction from it. I would be more depressed knowing all the destruction I caused, so I guess it isnt worth it.

COLDstar13 · 07-24-2009, 01:14 AM

I think I was molested when I was young, not sure though. I've had a few very vivid dreams and when I mentioned it to my mother she said that when I was young I had all the signs of a sexually abused child. The guy that I lost my virginity to raped me a couple of nights after we had sex, cause I wasn't in the mood. As far as depression . . . .I've had it since I was 13 which is when I got my period which proves that it is caused by the PCOS . . . I've also been on medication since then. I'm on Effexor now, thinking about adding abilify because I'm still having more bad days than good.

Goddess Hectate Help · 07-24-2009, 09:21 PM

It happened when I was younger by a family member that is gone now.. I NEVER told anyone until recently.. and that person has treated me like dirt ever since... I'm convinced that's what gave me all the problems I have today.. He ruined every aspect of my life.. it's so unfair.. I cry every day.. esp with bc of the disease, no one understands and people are so quick to judge you. Why did this have to happen to me?

RockyVT08 · 07-24-2009, 10:35 PM

They either treat you like crap or they try to throw a pity party and walk on eggshells around you. Don't treat me differently! No one understands. And they never can figure out how much of a challenge just getting through the day is.

wishuponastar · 07-25-2009, 07:45 PM

I'm not ready to share my experience but just reading your stories helps me by knowing I'm not alone. And that all the feelings of guilt and dirtiness are normal. Thanx for starting the thread.

mamagato · 07-26-2009, 01:19 PM

Teacher at age five, he taught the fifth grade. It went on for years. I was supposed to sing a song for the talent show. The kindergarten teacher heard me singing, I sang becasue I was happy, not because I wanted to perform. Music teacher asked if my parents would let me perform, they said yes. I got to stay the whole week after school. My mother made me a new dress, it was long and yellow.
I had to practice after school and the music teacher left to go somehwere. Mr Abish brought me a yellow leotard and tutu with black and yellow sequins. It was ruffly and I wanted to look like a fairy princess. I only wanted to be pretty.

It matched my blond (at the time) hair. I had to change in the wings so I could try it on. As I was changing, I was pulled aside, hands clamped over my mouth, and I was assaulted. He threatened to kill me if I ever told. My ass and vagina were bleeding.
Today is going to suck remembering this.
He slapped me when I made a mistake singing and wanted to tell the music teacher what was wrong. He caught me in stairwells, I hated him. He used to stare, stare, stare. He molested other girls too. Eventually he was fired. One day some one killed him, he was found floating in the river with a bullet hole in his head.
I never got to lose my virginity like I should have. Sex is sometimes about overcoming this, what does not kill you makes you stronger. I feel immense guilt when making love, or having sex, as if it is a crime to enjoy this pleasure. Becasue my first experience and those thereafter were wrong. I was also raped in my twenties by someone I once cared deeply about. I always flinch when touched, it breaks my husband's heart. Lovemaking makes me scared, eventually you will be betrayed or hurt, it has been my experience thus far. So it's all wild freaky circus sex instead.
I have torpedoed relationships with men for the crime of having blue eyes or a manner which reminded me of Mr Abish. I have also hurt some deeply, how would you like to be told you remind someone you care about of a pedophile who abused them, simply becaue of physical features? I have nightmares, I don't trust people.
My husband is a rarity among men.

RockyVT08 · 07-26-2009, 10:56 PM

mamagato- I know what you mean. My husband had to work long and hard to get me comfortable with sex. There would be times that he would touch me in some way that it would remind me of the past and I would just curl up and cry. But he would sit with me and rub my back and stroke my hair, I got lucky with him. I ended up losing my virginity fairly young, I think I felt some need to prove to myself that I could handle it, mentally. Plus I was dating my now husband at the time, so I knew I had someone I could trust. I tend to prefer crazy sex too, probably just cuz it doesn't give me time to think. When I think I tend to associate things with the past.

RockyVT08 · 07-26-2009, 11:02 PM

How to enjoy sex again after childhood sexual abuse

Step 1
Give yourself permission to say no. Each time you force yourself to have sex despite being triggered, you are continuing to abuse yourself. You need to take back control over your body. Until you do, you will continue to feel like the helpless child who had no say over how her body was used.

Step 2
Practice non-sexual safe touch. Determine ways in which you feel comfortable being touched, such as when you get your hair shampooed by the hair dresser. If you do not feel comfortable around another person, try doing things alone, such as walking barefoot through sand or on grass while focusing on the physical sensations. Engage in that form of safe touch frequently so you can build positive associations with being touched.

Step 3
Focus on how you feel when you are being touched safely. Make an effort to stay present and keep your thoughts solely on how your body feels when it is being touched in a safe manner.

Step 4
Engage in non-sexual safe touch with your partner. Find ways that your partner can make you feel good through physical touch that is not sexual in nature. Ask your partner to stroke your hair, give you a foot massage or do another activity that feels good physically but does not lead to sex.

Step 5
Try having sex in which you are in complete control. When you are ready, engage in sex again, but make sure that you are in charge of what happens when. Give yourself permission to stop at any point. Stress to your partner that this is an investment in a lifetime of good sex.

Step 6
Process emotions as they arise. Many adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse experienced their first sexual feelings while being abused. Because of this, they might have mixed emotions about how their bodies react during sex. Process the emotions and forgive your body for reacting to sexual stimulation during abuse. Your body was only doing what it was designed to do.

Step 7
View sex as an activity, nothing more and nothing less. Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse make the mistake of trying to tell themselves that sex is a good thing even while they are being triggered. This is like trying to put a car in reverse that is currently going forward at 60 miles per hour. You have many years of momentum telling yourself that sex is a bad thing. Before you can roll that momentum in another direction, you first need to stop the car. Allow yourself to explore sex as an activity with no meaning attached, either good or bad.

I found this on eHow. Of all the places....Weird...

Tina Castle · 07-27-2009, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RockyVT08

They wanted to put me on an antidepressant but said it would actually hurt my chances for conceiving. Do you know if there are there any that are safe to take while ttc? I may just have to start some st johns wart herbals or something like that.

Atleast you were able to out your cousin, I'm not so lucky. At this point it would just tear my family apart and I'm not sure if I would get any satisfaction from it. I would be more depressed knowing all the destruction I caused, so I guess it isnt worth it.

I think my mom was on Welbutrin while she was pregnant with my sister, but she doesn't have TTC issues. She does have an incompetant cervix though.

Here's an article on TTC & antidepressants:

http://www.babyzone.com/askanexpert/...ng-to-conceive

As far as outing my cousin my extended family is pretty screwed up on my dad's side. My grandma has 13 kids by 6 different men (yup she's a baby machine). She has sons that have raped their own sisters and others that are in and out of jail and who are on drugs.

It came as NO surprise to my extended family (who just happened to be visiting that Easter weekend) when I outed my cousin that he was molesting me. They acted as if it was no big deal (like I said they're pretty messed up in the head).

My parents kicked them all out the house and they returned to L.A. and I've never seen that cousin again.

To this day I cringe whenever Easter rolls around and I can't stand being around my dad's family so I avoid going to visit them at all costs.

You just need to do what feels best for you. Some people choose not to say anything about abuse and it works for them. Others can spiral out of control until they let someone know.

It all depends on you.

I had a therapist that tried to encourage me to alert the authorities, but I told her no. What's done is done. I just want to move on.

Tina Castle · 07-27-2009, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamagato

Teacher at age five, he taught the fifth grade. It went on for years. I was supposed to sing a song for the talent show. The kindergarten teacher heard me singing, I sang becasue I was happy, not because I wanted to perform. Music teacher asked if my parents would let me perform, they said yes. I got to stay the whole week after school. My mother made me a new dress, it was long and yellow.
I had to practice after school and the music teacher left to go somehwere. Mr Abish brought me a yellow leotard and tutu with black and yellow sequins. It was ruffly and I wanted to look like a fairy princess. I only wanted to be pretty.

It matched my blond (at the time) hair. I had to change in the wings so I could try it on. As I was changing, I was pulled aside, hands clamped over my mouth, and I was assaulted. He threatened to kill me if I ever told. My ass and vagina were bleeding.
Today is going to suck remembering this.
He slapped me when I made a mistake singing and wanted to tell the music teacher what was wrong. He caught me in stairwells, I hated him. He used to stare, stare, stare. He molested other girls too. Eventually he was fired. One day some one killed him, he was found floating in the river with a bullet hole in his head.
I never got to lose my virginity like I should have. Sex is sometimes about overcoming this, what does not kill you makes you stronger. I feel immense guilt when making love, or having sex, as if it is a crime to enjoy this pleasure. Becasue my first experience and those thereafter were wrong. I was also raped in my twenties by someone I once cared deeply about. I always flinch when touched, it breaks my husband's heart. Lovemaking makes me scared, eventually you will be betrayed or hurt, it has been my experience thus far. So it's all wild freaky circus sex instead.
I have torpedoed relationships with men for the crime of having blue eyes or a manner which reminded me of Mr Abish. I have also hurt some deeply, how would you like to be told you remind someone you care about of a pedophile who abused them, simply becaue of physical features? I have nightmares, I don't trust people.
My husband is a rarity among men.

I'm so glad to hear that you found a man who helped you through this! That's always encouragement to us single ladies who are victims of sexual abuse.

I don't know if anyone else has had this problem, but I find that I can't have sex unless I'm drunk or high. I tense up and I always try to think about something else during the sex. I rarely have sex when I'm sober. Alcohol gives me that little extra push to go through with the act.

That's really bad because when I'm under the influence I can't control myself and I'll pretty much do anything with any man. In my mind at that moment I feel like I'm controlling whatever's happening to me.

In my mind I'm saying : "Alright, I'm in the mood for sex so why not do it with as many men in as little time as possible just to get it over with." That's such a sad mentality, but being abused I see sex as an evil act.

In everyday life I have severe control issues. Things have to go my way or else I throw tantrums. It's true, just ask my sister. I think this is also another result of being abused.

IsabelleGrace · 08-07-2009, 12:23 AM

I read through this thread and, frankly, I'm confused and concerned. I'm an SA survivor - lifelong - and I'm curious as to whether any of you have therapists??? Some of the conversation sounds very stilted and this concerns me in terms of the security of those who are being forthright. My hope is that all of you who are suffering will seek assistance from a qualified trauma therapist to help you in you recovery. I'm sorry if this is an inappropriate response, it's just that I also belong to a board on eating disorders and this thread is so totally different from the threads that go on there in the SA forum. I'm concerned. Please be careful with whom you share your information. Please take good care. Isa