China Adoption or Foster Parenting

mauramae · 03-22-2006, 06:53 PM

So I ruled out Russian and Ukraine because of the cost. I finally worked up the courage to speak with my parents about possibly adopting from China and braced myself for their reaction. I was pleasantly surprised. They told me that they support my decision, but they would rather I exhaust the invetro option.

Now that that's out of way, the dilema is should I become a Foster parent in the hopes of adopting sooner with less expense or should I adopt from China and pay $22,000?

We are scheduled to attend a seminar for the Children's Aid Society for Foster parenting. My DH believes that if you become a Foster Parent, you will be able to adopt. I don't know much about Foster parenting in Canada, but I guess I will find out by the end of this month.

~Traci~ · 03-22-2006, 07:13 PM

I would find everything out about both options and then make your decision. I've never been a foster parent but am waiting for a referral from China so I can tell you about China but not foster parenting. There are other cysters that have been/are foster parents that can tell you about that. I'm sure it's different in Canada than it is in the US though...

The costs for our adoption will be right about $24,000 and that includes our trip to China (paying for 3 adults/1 baby...including spending money for all), a trip before/after China to Boston for about a week extra total, documents, agency fees, homestudy, etc...it also really depends on the time of year you will travel in (& I've estimated on the high end for our trip). Unless you're bringing someone else w/ you on the trip, taking a side trip, & paying for them, your costs should be much less...

Right now the wait is about 10 months from the time your paperwork gets logged in in China (usually about a month after your paperwork is mailed) until Referral but it's ever changing...

There's a cyster in Canada that's waiting for her referral so she'd be able to help you so much more b/c the process is different in Canada than the US (you may not even get a log in date...not sure about that).

Good Luck!
Traci

Lisa67 · 03-22-2006, 07:40 PM

I'm like Traci in that I can't give you any info about fostering but I can about China. We have adopted twice and would do it again in a hearbeat (and again and again...).

I don't know the cost difference in Canada but your quote seems higher to me. With our recent trip for 2 adults/1 baby our adoption cost right around $16K. We are using the same agency as Traci and they do a lot of the legwork for us which was great.

I am kind of biased about China but I'd say go for it!

Adoption Momma · 03-22-2006, 08:25 PM

It depends on if you want to adopt a baby. Typically single babies are not put up for adoption through foster care. You might get a baby or toddler as part of a sibling group, but usually you're looking at 2.5-3 years old as the youngest. If you have an interest in adopting older children, then foster parents might be an option for you. Does Canada allow just adoption for children in the foster care system? I know where I live, you can go thru training to foster only, foster to adopt, or adopt only.

I am currently fostering to adopt (in US). The parental rights had already been relinquished before the kids moved in. We've had some issues with the maternal grandparents, but when parental rights are terminated, grandparent rights are automatically terminated. We also have to report everything to Dept of Children's Services (i.e. medication changes, dr and counseling appts, any little bump or scratch, etc). Yesterday we received another procedure: forms we have to take to the doctor and have filled out EVERY time our kids are seen. So, not only do I have to send emails with a list of appts, I have to oversee forms being filled out and getting faxed in.

As a foster parent, you have to jump through more hoops than any birth parent. I don't know the philosophy in Canada, but unfortunately the general consensus here is reunification with birth parents. So, the kids get put thru a cycle: removal from home, establish bond with foster parents, birth parents work the program and get kids back, birth parents go back to old ways, kids get removed again, etc. With our boys and their siblings, it took 2.5 years from the time they were removed to parental rights being terminated and that was b/c they willingly signed them over. I wonder if rights would be terminated had they fought it?

I can tell you from previous experience, when parental rights are not terminated and there are visits with birth parents, it's a constant emotional roller coaster. The kids are torn on wanting to please the BP and their need for the love and stability you provide.

I know of a sibling group of 4 girls (who we wanted to adopt) that have been in the system longer than our boys and parental rights are still not terminated, even though the policy states resolve within a year.

You have case workers to deal with. If you get a good one, that's great and if not, it's like pulling teeth. They can show up at your house at any time (they are required to visit the kids twice a month).

So, as a foster parent, you sometimes have to eat sh*t and deal with negative behaviors after visits, put up with a system that puts adults - not kids - first, and a bunch of other stuff....

BUT.........it makes it that much sweeter at the end of the day when your little one wraps his arms around you and says, "I love you Mom". Yes, you typically have more issues to deal with going the foster parenting route, especially if you get attached to a child that ends up going back to birth parents, but you also get to be the one that no longer hurts or neglects or makes the child feel like they are a mistake after years of being treated like an animal or object.

Another thing to consider is with foster parenting you will get children sooner. I know from reading from other cysters, the wait for international adoption is agonizing.

I would suggest going to the meeting and finding out more about the system and see if it's something you would like to pursue.

There are pros and cons, but either way you go, you end up with a blessing!

mauramae · 03-22-2006, 10:27 PM

Thank you all so much for the information.

Tina, I visited your website. Your sons are beautiful.

I will let you know what I find out from the Foster parenting seminar, but what you told me makes me want to shy away from it. I understand the need to check up on the Foster parents to make sure that the children weren't taken from one abusive situation and put into another, but I hate being treated like a criminal when I know that my DH and I would make wonderful parents. My worst fear about Foster Parenting is that the children would be taken away from me because their biological parents are fighting to get them back. My DH thinks it's a risk worth taking. I think it would send me into a depression.

I am so confused. I am hoping that there a possiblility to only Foster children whose case is closed and they cannot go back to their birth parents. As first-time parents, we are interested in children that are under 5 years old and are exstatic to accept siblings.

Adoption Momma · 03-22-2006, 10:36 PM

thank you....

I would definitely look into the option of foster to adopt only those whose birth parents' rights have been terminated.

It is painful to see children you've bonded with go back to birth parents whose actions caused them to be in foster care in the first place. We fostered a sibling group of 4 teenagers (VERY long story). Within three months of leaving our home, two of the girls got pregnant. My heart was broken. But what comforts me is to know at least one of the kids took something positive away from the relationship and is doing very well.

I don't know if you practice christianity (I'm not turning this religious, I promise)

but there is a parable about sowing seeds. Sometimes your the person that helps till up the rocking ground, while other times you may be the one to sow the seed, plant it, and/or watch it grow. For us, we like to think we helped plant the seed of love and nurture and hopefully the BM did what she could to give the right amount of water and sunlight.

dna · 03-23-2006, 04:17 AM

Hi I am the cyster that is in Canada...we are signed up with our local CAS for domestic adoption but not fostering...not every time you foster do you get to adopt and you have to set yourself up for that heartache..I could not do it at this stage in my life...

We attended the seminars with CAS and expect to probably not receive a child..I dont hold too much hope with that unfortunately...

Anyways not to discourage you I think its very beneficial to attend these seminars

Good luck !
Amy

mauramae · 03-23-2006, 02:21 PM

I was once at a Weight Watchers meeting and a lady there said that she had been on the list to adopt for 7 years and still no child. I remember when I was 27 and I stopped menstrating, I thought to myself, "Well, if this results in infertility, then I can always adopt!" I had no idea how complicated this is or how expensive it is.

As always, I will keep you informed about what I learn.