I actually started really believing in God after I had Eric. Like, I believed before, but I really knew He was with me. I'd like to join you ladies too!
Bekki, I think this is a great idea! I've been thinking about my boys alot, especially today. I'm missing them like crazy. Sunday the 30th should have been my due date with them.
FlowerGrover - Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. *HUGS*
LovePotato - I'm glad that at least something good could come out of your tragedy.
Manders - *HUGS* I'm so sorry. The next few days are going to be so rough for you. I'll pray that God wraps His comforting arms around you and Tanner and holds you both tight - so you can feel how warm and tight He is holding your boys up in Heaven.
Well, I thought it might be a good idea for everyone to start out by sharing their experiences. Those who are new and possibly lurking can read them, and see how God held us in one piece (barely) through it all.
If it's too difficult to share right now, that's fine. Just do it whenever you're ready.
We'll all make sure to keep each other in prayer, especially during difficult times like EDD's and anniversaries.
I'm going to start out with my story:
Josh (DH) and I were delighted last December to learn that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, that excitement was short-lived, and I had an early miscarriage (about 5.5 wks) in early January. I was told to wait for another AF and then I could try again, but my body didn't want to wait that long!
On February 28, I got impatient waiting for AF, so I tested and got BFP. When we did an ultrasound, we found that there were twins. We were terrified and overjoyed at the same time.
Two weeks later, the night before our next ultrasound, I had a dream that I was holding 2 babies: a boy and a girl in my arms. In this dream, and angel came and took the boy from me and carried him up to heaven. It was so sad, but so beautiful, because I'm convinced that this was God's way of preparing me. At the ultrasound, it showed that one of the babies had vanished. I was heartbroken, but so thankful that God began to comfort me, even before I knew.
Everything seemed to be going so well after that. Because of my dream, I was convinced that the remaining twin was a girl. I started buying some things - I even started a registry because people kept nagging me about it! All I wanted was to make it to the 2nd trimester, and I thought everything would be OK.
Once I hit the 2nd trimester, I was elated. I thought that we were "home free". At about 15 weeks, I went to see the OB. She was going to use the doppler to see if we could hear the heartbeat. Josh and I were so excited about hearing the heartbeat. We could hardly sleep the night before.
When the doctor used the doppler, they couldn't hear anything. She said I have a tilted uterus, so that could be making things difficult, but I knew that something was wrong. She did an abdominal ultrasound, and still, there was nothing.
She decided that it would be best to do a transvaginal ultrasound, but their probe was broken. So, they sent us to the hospital. The woman at the hospital would not tell us anything, so we had to go back to the office and get the news from the OB.
She told us there was no heartbeat. By then, I knew that was a very strong possibility.
I'm sure you all know that feeling - like the floor is crumbling beneath you and you can't do anything but fall. I was just stunned. After all we had been through, I honestly believed that this pregnancy was going to be OK.
I had to have a D&C, which brought its own problems. Aside from nearly bleeding to death during the operation, I ended up with some retained placenta and kept bleeding for 2 days. I had to go back for an emergency blood transfusion and spent all of mothers day hooked up to blood.
The doctors told me I would be on bedrest for a long time, and that it would be 3 or 4 months before I felt like myself again.
Well, we all know that everything is in God's hands, and less than a month later, I felt better again. I was allowed to walk, and drive, and get back to my normal life.
We named our daughter Jenna Grace.
I'll probably never know why God called my little girl home, but it brings me comfort that she is with Him.
Anyway, that's my story in a nutshell. Whenever anyone else feels up to sharing, feel free. It will be good for others to read our stories and see how we've gotten through.
FlowerGrover - I look forward to getting to know you
LovePotato and Manders - I look forward to getting to know you better!
I can share my story too. I do have a little boy who's here with me. I'm sorry if that bothers anyone. That's why my siggy is turned off. I still need to talk about Eric though, and most people don't understand.
My name is Molly, I've been married to DJ for 4 1/2 years. I was diagnosed in April of 2004, about a month before my sister had her first. I wanted a baby so bad. Even though we were young, and maybe not entirely ready, we stopped using protection. I didn't want to miss my chance at having a baby, and I knew the odds were already against us.
I also started dieting and exercising, and I started getting AF on a regular basis. After about 10 regular cycles and a little over a year after my diagnosis, I had a dream that I took a test and got a BFP. I got up, took a test, and it was positive! I was so excited. We had just decided that we weren't going to wait anymore. I had gone back to college and talked to a counselor. I was going to go back to school in the fall. But I was so excited, and I figured God was just telling me that we can only do things in his time. As soon as I stopped planning, it happened.
Right away, I started getting this feeling of dread. I started spotting right before the Fourth of July, and I think I was about 5 weeks. I didn't worry too much though, because I wasn't cramping. A lot of people spot when they're pregnant, and this was brown blood.
On the Fourth though, I started spotting red blood. I freaked out and went to the ER, and they did a U/S and some bloodwork. It was a little too early to see the heartbeat, but we did see one. DJ said the rhythm was different than mine, so I knew the baby was alive. My bloodwork came back too, and my numbers were rising, so at least I was still pregnant.
I was having symptoms, and I kept taking tests. They were all positive. I was so happy every time I got nauseous, or had those growing pains. I was so excited and happy. I think I was the happiest then.
But I still had that feelnig of dread. Every time we went to the doctor's and he said everything was fine, I felt like he was missing something. I was also still spotting a little bit whenever I walked too long. I just stopped walking so much. I had my big ultrasound, and he still didn't find anything. I thought everything was ok, but I couldn't shake that feeling. I also had this feeling that I wasnt' going to get to keep my baby. I was so scared.
In December, when I was 28 weeks, I started having these weird cramps, and my pelvis hurt so bad. It felt like it was moving around. I know that's kind of normal, but this was too much. For a week, I had cramps. Then on Sunday the 11th, I started spotting again, so I called my doctor. He told me to come in the next morning. I did, and he checked to see if I as leaking fluid, which I was. He sent me to the hospital, where I would see a specialist. I was scared, but I thought we were just going to have a preemie. It was going to be hard, but we could do it.
When we got there, they did another ultrasound. The doctor noticed something wrong, so I was taken down for a level II. There, they noticed that the baby had all sorts of birth defects. His head was open, his chest was open, and his organs were floating on the outside. They didn't tell us right away, but I knew something was wrong by the way they were acting. I asked, and they told me that my baby probably wasn't going to make it. At that point, I looked at DJ and said "I KNEW there was something wrong, and nobody believed me!!" I wasn't even shocked. It was like what I was thinking was confirmed.
I knew I was in labor, but the doctors didn't believe me. They talked to me about ending the pregnancy, which would be illegal at that stage in my state. I know I wouldn't have ended it though. I wouldn't even take Tylenol for the pain. And it didn't matter, because I went into labor that night. My water broke at around 11:15 pm, and I had him at 1:38 am. We got to spend a whole day and a half with him, and if I could relive anything, it would be that day. We took 2 rolls of film, and I cherish those pictures.
After he was born, I felt him with me all the time. It was the most incredible feeling. I know God was showing him to me. If I could feel Eric, and he was in Heaven, then I could feel God too. It was like Eric was a star, and God was the sky. It was so amazing. I was sad, but I would have these whole days of just being so content. I thought there was something wrong with me, but I really knew it was because Eric was with God, and I didn't have to worry about him anymore. It wasn't like God had taken him from me. It was a complete miracle that he lived as long as he did. I could have lost him at 5 weeks in June. But he lived a whole 23 weeks past that.
I think the only thing that gets me through is knowing that I'll see him again, and that he's safe. That's my comfort for now.
I hope to hear from people, and I'm sorry this is so long! Its the first time I've gotten it all down. Thanks if you got this far!
LovePotato - *HUGS* You know, I've never really heard your full story. I am so sorry for everything that you've been through.
I'm so glad that you felt God's peace during that. There was nothing wrong with you, God was just taking care of you.
The second before the doctor told us that Jenna had died, I actually felt this warm feeling - like someone was wrapping their arms around me in a hug. It felt so warm and so peaceful... and when the doctor told us that they couldn't find a heartbeat, I knew it was God holding me. I was so surprised that I didn't scream and kick and throw things. I only sat there and wept.
Even though we've been through horrible tragedies, we're at least blessed that we've been able to feel God's comfort so strongly.
I'm so glad your living little boy had an angel in heaven to look after him.
Count me in girls. ((hugs)) love ya sisters. Will post more later!!
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DD- Evelyn----------BFP- Oct 28 (Clomid, Gluc (until 18 wk), Cough syrup, Pre-natals, Omega 3)---Pg on bedrest from 24 wks to 32 due to pre-term-labor-- C-section 37 weeks June 23)
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Me, too. I will post more later. Just wanted to add that I, like lovepotato, always believed in God before my losses but have found with each I grow closer and closer to Him. I am learning all kinds of stuff I never knew before (about Christianity).
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I'm so excited to see so many people who are interested! Pretty soon, we'll get this thread really going. Hopefully it will be a great source of support for many cysters.
Hi Girls - I would like to look to for some inspiration. I kind of was in religious libo before I got pg. I had started preing again once I founf out I was pg. Since I've lost Dylan, I am so angry at the lord and am losing faith and hope. DH says I am starting to scare him and that I am heading down a dark and lonely path. Please help me out. And insite as to how you look at the situation would be most helpful.
Thank you. Love to you all!
Laura
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I know you feel, and it is very common to be angry at God. We all need someone to direct our anger at when something bad happens that is no one's fault, really.
I was very angry for a long time after we lost Jenna. AND, I was rabidly obsessed with getting pregnant again. I know exactly how you feel. Every moment that I was not pregnant felt like a moment without oxygen. It took me a couple months to get past that.
I can't tell you to just calm down and get over it. I would never tell you that. What I can suggest is that you try to search yourself and find some peace. It's possible, just not easy.
I didn't want peace. I wanted to be filled with a righteous anger for the rest of my life, because I felt like I would be betraying our daughter, otherwise. But then I realized that Jenna would NOT want me to be miserable.
With that realization did not come instant peace, but it made it easier for me to take baby steps.
You've been through so much recently and it will take a long time to heal. Just try not to let grief turn to anger. When you feel grief, allow yourself to cry. Find something to kick (trees work nicely, but use sturdy shoes!) and scream into a pillow for as loud as you can. DO something with that adrenaline, and it will help you feel better, at least for the moment.
It won't make the pain go away, but it will help you to process it.
There's a book called "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey. My church has a women's group that's doing it. I wanted to do it, but I chose another book. I don't know exactly what its about, but my stepmom is doing it, and she's liking it so far.
I also read a lot of poems about angel babies. I found a lot that talked about how our babies are with God. A lot of times, that's not what someone wants to hear though. If you want, I can find a couple for you. They really helped me.
I've been really missing Eric lately. Moreso than usual. I also keep watching all these shoes that make me sad too. Like, the Grey's Anatomy spin-off, Private Practice. They had 2 babies who had been switched at birth, and one was sick. I'm also looking at Christmas stuff, and he was born at Christmas time. I'm just mopey lately. I always stay up til 2 in the morning looking at stuff that reminds me of Eric. Its like my time to be with him. But I've been sadder lately. I think I might buy that book too.
I'm going to try to read and go to sleep. I'll try to find a couple poems. I'll be praying for you!
There's a book called "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey. My church has a women's group that's doing it. I wanted to do it, but I chose another book. I don't know exactly what its about, but my stepmom is doing it, and she's liking it so far.
I also read a lot of poems about angel babies. I found a lot that talked about how our babies are with God. A lot of times, that's not what someone wants to hear though. If you want, I can find a couple for you. They really helped me.
I've been really missing Eric lately. Moreso than usual. I also keep watching all these shoes that make me sad too. Like, the Grey's Anatomy spin-off, Private Practice. They had 2 babies who had been switched at birth, and one was sick. I'm also looking at Christmas stuff, and he was born at Christmas time. I'm just mopey lately. I always stay up til 2 in the morning looking at stuff that reminds me of Eric. Its like my time to be with him. But I've been sadder lately. I think I might buy that book too.
I'm going to try to read and go to sleep. I'll try to find a couple poems. I'll be praying for you!
*HUGS* I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now. I'm starting to get a little bummed right now because it's October... The twins were due November 7, so they would have been born this month (most likely).
EDDs are so difficult...
My favorite book is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." A friend of mine bought it for me. She had experienced 2 miscarriages and was given this book as a gift. It's beautiful. I had to read it all alone because I cried so much, but I just love it.
You're in my prayers. I know that the next couple months are going to be rough for you. You're strong, though, and you're going to be OK. *HUGS*
Hello ladies, I was wondering if I could join? Here is a little about me.....
DH & I were TTC since 2003, but didn't seek help until January of this year. I was Dx with PCOS in March and started taking Clomid shortly after. 3 rounds of Clomid...BFN and the last round we did was a bust, no follicles grew, so my RE said to call him when I got AF so we could do another round. So I went in for initial bloodwork and surprise! BFP on 9/12/07. Went for a u/s and found out that I was 7 1/2 wks. First u/s was great, heard and saw the heartbeat, a week later 2nd ultrasound was great, baby was measuring accordingly, another week later (10/4/07) at 9 1/2 wks went for 3rd u/s and....no heartbeat. I knew something was wrong instatly because the u/s lady was very fast with the u/s and didn't print us any pictures. So when the dr came in he told us the bad news. I have to go back next week for another u/s to be 100% sure, and if by then my body didn't do it's thing, then I have to think about D&C.
I have been doing my best to pray and try to be strong, but I can't wrap my brain around this. I am SO SCARED, that every time I go to the bathroom, I am afraid to look at my underwear, I feel like I will lose it if I start bleeding and everything comes out and I see it. This is my 1st pregnancy ever and I just have no idea what to expect. I can't stop thinking about it, my brother and his family came over last night with flowers and made DH & I dinner, and I felt like I was in another world, even though they were talking to me, it was like I wasn't listening becasue my mind was racing, I go to sleep and I wake up and my mind races again. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this, that's how I feel anyway.
Well I think I rambled long enough, thank you for listening
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Alisha (27) ~ Chad (30)
TTC since 2003
3 angel babies: '07, '08, '09
IVF #1
BCP 8/21/09, Lupron, Gonal-F
Egg retrieval 9/30/09
Severe OHSS Hospitalization
10/2-10/10
4 Snowbabies
Hoping for FET in December
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Christian Cysters Coping With Loss 
Me, too. I will post more later. Just wanted to add that I, like lovepotato, always believed in God before my losses but have found with each I grow closer and closer to Him. I am learning all kinds of stuff I never knew before (about Christianity).
Sorry this is so long......... 
