Christian cysters, I could use some prayer

Ajani · 03-23-2006, 04:04 PM

This is a cut and paste from my journal last night. It's a bit rambling, and I'm embarrassed to even be posting it because I'm not sure that I can convey that this is not some trivial thing about me struggling with "baby bootcamp." This is seriously hurting my faith.

Quote:

What do you do when God tells you that He doesn't care? I don't know what to do with that. When I was desperate and feeling ready to snap, I prayed one night (one long night), "God, if you care at all about this, you won't let Owen bite me." Guess what? He bit me.

Okay, backing up... I realized probably a year ago now that whenever I prayed about Owen's sleep, almost always it would get worse instead of better. If I prayed, after several "good" nights for another, we'd have a horrible night. Even recently I've noticed that I still cannot pray about Owen's sleep. And one night while nursing Owen, I prayed the above prayer. I was utterly desperate for God, for His help, His reassurance. Silence would be the worst thing. And that's what I got. Total silence. Owen bit me soon after I prayed. God told me that He didn't care about what I was going through.

How do you deal with that? How do you deal with knowing that there is a part of your life that God wants no part of? An area where you are totally alone. Sure, God is always with me, but in this area, He's an observer. He won't help. I can't even talk to him about it, for fear of making things worse. It's a horrible feeling to know that I am alone, without God to talk to.

I've always talked to Him about stuff. I just want to cry knowing that He doesn't want to hear what I'm going through. Knowing that I have to muster up my own strength to get through this, even after all those sermons telling me to lean on God and rely on His strength, not mine.

I don't know what to do. And at the time when I need Him most, need to pray the most, that's when it hurts the most. And it's hurting my relationship with God. Every night that I'm up with Owen because he's just not sleeping well... Every time I want to pray but I can't... I feel further and further from God. And madder and madder at Him. And I just want to scream and cry, but He's told me that He doesn't care. How do I deal with that? It hurts so much. I can't describe it. I just want to curl up and cry.

I feel like my faith is little more than bare bones. I'll never leave it. I believe wholeheartedly that Jesus is my saviour and all. But how can I trust that God will get me through tough times when He wants nothing to do with the struggle I'm having now? More than that, the struggle that's happening whenever I think of God not caring. How can God not care? How could He do that to me? Why would He? He had to know that it would hurt our relationship. But He did it anyway. He remained silent when I needed Him so much. It hurts. A lot.

It's not about Owen's sleep. It's about God turning away. I guess it's the personal stuff that's suffering. I have no trouble believing the big stuff. 7 day literal creation, virgin birth, death on the cross, forgiveness of sins, resurrection, walking on water... But I have rejection issues, and it makes it even harder knowing that God knows that and still said that He doesn't care. I've watched the link in my sig (the Father's Love Letter) and I know it's all true, but I can't reconcile it with what God has done.

I don't think I'm looking for advice. I mean, what can be said, beyond, "Of course God loves you and hasn't turned His back on you. You must be mistaken."

kirvygerl · 03-23-2006, 09:16 PM

I've felt that way. And yes, people say to me, "God would never turn His back on you!" But that doesn't take away the feeling that that is exactly what has happened. I felt that way about infertility. I felt that after leading a Christian life, God would give me the only thing I've ever wanted, and that is a family. Well, it took IVF to get there, and you know what? I didn't rejoice that God had finally heard my prayer. I felt that if he had heard my prayer, I would have become pregnant with far less effort and money.

I too struggle with rejection. I don't know that I've ever felt that I have been loved unconditionally by anyone (either by God or by anyone on earth). Each failed cycle just solidified that feeling for me. I am terrified that I will lose my baby. That God will punish me because I felt that He failed me when I needed Him the most.

My point in this is that I understand your feelings. I don't have any advice, because I haven't come to any conclusions or had any bolts-from-the-sky revelations. I just know that I don't understand it. I have trouble believing that the God who said, "I will never leave you or forsake you" hasn't done just that.

Big (((HUGS))) to you. I will hope with you that Owen doesn't bite you and begins to sleep better.

Adoption Momma · 03-23-2006, 09:43 PM

Ajani ***HUGS*** I think it's natural and normal to struggle with the feeling God is ignoring our needs.

Please know I am saying this out of love and experience, not judgement. I'm just giving you my perspective when faced with similar issues.

To pray for God to stop a behavior in someone else is like thinking you can pray and that person will be saved, KWIM? Perhaps God is saying, "You are his mom, but I am in control. I will give you the strength on those sleepless nights and tolerance when he bites, but if I stop these behaviors then I am giving you the control to decide your son's thoughts and actions."

Don't forget, you are smart and intelligent and God has given you spiritual strength. Now, He's teaching you to trust in your abilities and that He has already given you what you need; just have faith and know He has already made you competent enough to deal with these issues.

IMveryHO, sometimes we can take simple issues and turn them into spiritual ones. Perhaps he has a sleeping disorder or is still learning how to express himself or his emotions.

AGAIN, I TOTALLY know where you are and have felt the same way you do. This is what, in my own experience, I have learned.

CelticSpirit · 03-24-2006, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tina75

Ajani ***HUGS*** I think it's natural and normal to struggle with the feeling God is ignoring our needs.

Please know I am saying this out of love and experience, not judgement. I'm just giving you my perspective when faced with similar issues.

To pray for God to stop a behavior in someone else is like thinking you can pray and that person will be saved, KWIM? Perhaps God is saying, "You are his mom, but I am in control. I will give you the strength on those sleepless nights and tolerance when he bites, but if I stop these behaviors then I am giving you the control to decide your son's thoughts and actions."

Don't forget, you are smart and intelligent and God has given you spiritual strength. Now, He's teaching you to trust in your abilities and that He has already given you what you need; just have faith and know He has already made you competent enough to deal with these issues.

IMveryHO, sometimes we can take simple issues and turn them into spiritual ones. Perhaps he has a sleeping disorder or is still learning how to express himself or his emotions.

AGAIN, I TOTALLY know where you are and have felt the same way you do. This is what, in my own experience, I have learned.

I couldn't agree more, Tina.

Ajani, please know that we are all here for you. God is listening, but HIS answers aren't always the ones we want. But, rest assured, he is giving you the strength to get through the tough times.