Most of you know me and know my story of losing my baby boy. I struggled with my faith for months and months, trying to figure it all out. Finally, about a month ago, I was about ready to give up. But then I thought about what my life would be without the Lord in it. And that is when I decided to just ACCEPT what happened. I don't know why.. I never will. All I know is that this life is short, for all of us... and someday I will be in heaven and be able to spend eternity with Gabriel. And whatever God's reason for letting this happen, well... I just have to trust in God's sovereignty. And then I FINALLY got on my knees and started pouring my heart out to God. I finally decided to stop being angry with Him. And you know what? Suddenly, I had a peace about Gabriel that I have never had before. I'm still sad, sure.. but the anger and depression about it have lifted.
I remembered that I had this book When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson on my bookshelf. I never read it before but I had bought it years ago. So, I started reading it. I started praying again and listening to Christian music.
Well, that's when the anxiety started. For weeks, it has been building, from the smallest little worry to TERROR. I won't go into the mess that is going on in my mind... all I will say is that it is irrational. I've been fighting anxiety since I was a teenager. I have times in my life where I'm just "a worrier" which I am totally able to cope with. But then sometimes I go through phases in my life when I have this terror. Through prayer, Jesus has always brought me through it. But this time, I'm starting to think I really just have an anxiety disorder and that I need to get help. Yes, the Lord can bring me through it. But does He really want me to suffer?
So, I did research on anxiety medications yesterday and today I made an appointment with my primary doctor. I'm a bit concerned because my anxieties are over spiritual things, and I don't know how the meds (or the docs) will mess with my mind.
All that long post... just to explain that I need prayer badly. For the past few years, I haven't been involved with a church, which was stupid, so I don't really have many people who are close to me to ask for prayer. Fortunately, my husband has been praying with me whenever I need it. He even told me to wake him up in the middle of the night if I feel like I'm going to lose it... or call him on the cell today even though he will be in meetings all day. But I need all the prayer I can get.
Thanks for reading and for praying for me....
Adrianne
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Two people DH knows had anxiety and both went to Christian phycharists. One had spiritual anxiety, the other it was general axiety, which grew to such levels he had many phobias develop. One tried meds, the other didn't, but both were helped greatly by seeing a Christian phychiatrist. I think it's great you are leaning on God and seeking medical help. Yes, God doesn't except us to suffer through when there are medicines and help He has provided through human hands.
Adrianne, I'm so sorry. I've got a song I'd like to share with you, the words have really helped me through different times, but I'll have to type it up later (I'm supposed to be working now).
I'm praying for you, I've actually been praying for you for quite some time. HUGS
__________________
Sarah-28; DH-34, Married June 2000
Lainey Dec. 1, 2003; Evangeline Aug. 1, 2007, Kenley Sept. 15, 2009
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Thank you both for responding. Here's a bit of an update. I went to my primary doctor yesterday and told her my whole history of anxiety. The anxiety isn't always over spiritual issues, but the spiritual issues are the ones that cause me the greatest anxiety just because of how important it is to me. So, my doc gave me an anti-anxiety drug and zoloft, which apparently is also for anxiety. I had a panic attack about taking the anti-anxiety drug, as it is a habit-forming controlled substance and I didn't know how it would affect my ability to think. Jashobeam, I read your post right before I took that pill, and boy did your encouragement help me. I took the medication, and the only thing it did was take away the anxiety. I can still think pretty clearly, drive, play DDR, etc. But once the anxiety went away, I just wanted to cry all night long. I guess I really am just depressed... down under the anxiety. I had my first restful evening in over a week, and I slept well to boot!
Sarah, thank you thank you thank you for thinking of me and praying for me. I appreciate it so very much. Hugs to you both.
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Adrianne - I remember chatting with you on some threads (under my old user name) about your struggle with your faith over losing your son. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I am so glad to see that you are letting the Lord take control and trusting in Him. Trust me, I know the questions of "why me" will always be there, I guess we can ask God all these things when we make it to Heaven but for now I pray you can find peace in Him. I am glad you have a supportive DH who will pray with you and help you through. I don't know how I would cope with this without the support of my DH. I have prayed for you allot and will continue to pray for you. I pray that you will continue to have success with the medication and that will also help you to have peace. I know someone very close to me who is on Zoloft for her anxiety and it has really helped her allot. She has been on it for years with no problems what so ever. Hang in there and if you ever need anything I am here for you.
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Lord look at me now,
I'm down on my knees.
I don't know what to do,
And I can't live without Your Love.
I'm alone, Lord, I'm alone.
Give me the strength,
Lord give me the hope,
Give me the faith,
And for You Lord, I'll carry on.
For You Lord, I'll carry on.
And when sometimes in life it seems
That I must face the world alone
And the fears I have inside,
They go unknown.
And though the world seems cold
And nobody ever seems to care
No I'll never doubt Your Love
Because I know You're there.
And Lord, I know
That You'll always be here by my side
To help me through the times when I'm alone.
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
I do my best for You
I try to make it through.
But no matter how hard I try
I can't make it on my own.
I can't make it on my own.
Help me to see,
What You want me to be.
Show me Your way,
O Father, I need You today.
O Father, I need You!
And when sometimes in life it seems
That I must face the world alone
And the fears I have inside,
They go unknown.
And though the world seems cold
And nobody ever seems to care
No I'll never doubt Your Love
Because I know You're there.
And Lord, I know
That You'll always be here by my side
To help me through the times when I'm alone.
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
I know You'll be there when I'm alone.
(I first heard this song when I was an 8th Grader. I was struggling with a lot of issues in my life. My Mom and Brother and I were at a Religious conference and I heard the group, Glorify Him sing this song they had written. I was in tears. It struck me so much because that was exactly how I felt. In many ways, this song saved my life.)
__________________
Sarah-28; DH-34, Married June 2000
Lainey Dec. 1, 2003; Evangeline Aug. 1, 2007, Kenley Sept. 15, 2009
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Your thread brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I just can't imagine and won't pretend to understand.
As for the meds. I was on Prozac for years. Teens to recently. I had PPD after the birth of my daughter and switch meds to Lexapro. Both are SSRI's similar to the Zoloft you are on. It will help you, it just takes weeks to notice a change. Zoloft will also help with depression. I am not too sure about my Lexapro at the moment and might switch over to Zoloft.
I really feel that God can help us through mental issues but I also believe meds help a lot!
Karen
__________________
Karen (32) Dh (32)
Married 11+ years!
m/c June 2007
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I just wanted to say that my prayers and thoughts are with you and I know sometimes we don't understand why things happen or ask why me, but only the Lord knows the answers to those queshtions and we have to just believe in him and know that he will keep us strong through diffucult times but he still loves us. Sometimes it feels like we have a million things on our shoulders and can't seem to go on or want to go on, but the Lord will help you out in your time of need and help you carry that extra load if you just let him in and allow him to help and know that he doesn't give us nothing we can't handle, I know it seems hard to understand that at times but it is true. You just have to keep your faith and know that he is here with you and he loves you!! I hope things get better for you and know that we are all here for you. Just stay strong and I will be praying for you and you are in my thoughts. Life seems to be so much at times and the Lord puts us to the test at times but if we just believe in him and have faith in him everything will work out fine. I know that it seems impossible to do that at times when we are suffering or going through so much but it is true he is here for all of us and he loves us sooo much so just continue to put your trust in him and beleive in him he is here for you and he will hold your hand though all of this and he will put his healing hands on you!! Hope that things will get better but I know that the lord is with you and I know that things will get better just give it time and things will get better for you, stay strong!
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. Sarah, thanks so much for typing that song! What a beautiful song and so fitting for what I feel like lately. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I feel like I am on the road to recovery. When I wrote that first post, I felt so scared, but things are getting better, praise GOD. I still have moments of panic, but the Lord has given me peace. I also went to Curves last night, and the exercise worked wonders! I'm trying to keep my mind occupied on good things.
One good thing to come out of this is that now I understand my brother a lot better. He is mentally ill... we think it is paranoid schizophrenia, and he has had psychotic episodes. He struggles with taking his medicine and he doesn't like what it does to him. I never understood why until I was sitting in front of my new medicines having a panic attack over whether I should take them or not. It's a scary thing to trust your troubled mind to a drug when you don't know how it will affect you. I was so scared it would keep me from being able to fight the spiritual battle, and that I wouldn't care anymore. I prayed to the Lord to not let me go. But, thank the Lord, the medicine didn't affect my abilities... it just made it less necessary for me to HAVE to fight.
Anyways, I'll stop rambling. I know it will take a while for me to return to my normal self, but I am sleeping and functioning and living my days in relative peace.
Oh, and I forgot to mention. I finally made an appointment with a Christian counselor. A friend of mine recommended her back in December after Gabriel died. I put it off for so long, but I'm going to see her tomorrow evening.
Adrianne, I'm so sorry for your struggles! I'm always happy to see your posts b/c I've come to think of you as such a wonderful Christian cyster. Turning back to God has probably made the devil very angry and I bet there's a LOT of spiritual warfare going on for your soul. Don't let satan win! I think you're doing everything the right way, and will be rewarded! Gabriel has a wonderful mommy!
blessings and prayers, Kara
__________________
35 pounds lost in 2005! So close to my goal!
50****45****40****35****30*****25****20****15** To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. **10****5**** GOAL! ~Metformin - 2000 mg~Vitex (off for now)~Prayer, lots of prayer
Christian cysters please pray for me. 
