College friend committed suicide; feeling overwhelmed
I just found out on Wednesday that a good friend of mine from college hung himself ... I've known him since Fall of 1999 (my freshman year) and I had a huge crush on him at first (he looked like Christopher Reeve in Superman).
He told me he wasn't interested in me that way but he thought of me as one of his best friends.
Then on my birthday in 2007 he spent half the time on the phone with a girl he met at a club and gave me Spam instead of a dinner out (even though I had offered to treat). I couldn't understand why he was acting that way. I pulled away and still said hi if I saw him but didn't initiate hanging out so we hadn't since then.
According to a close friend of his (and friendly acquaintance of mine) he started dating someone (not sure whether or not it was the same girl from the club) who ended up moving in with him but still was gone for long periods of time and didn't always tell him where she went. He expressed concern to the mutual friend/acquaintance about it.. Soon he was obsessed with her and wouldn't talk about anything else besides her so the mutual friend/acquaintance pulled away as well.
Noone saw this coming - I sat staring at the obituary for 10 minutes in total shock. I even had a bad dream that I saw someone hanging themselves in my neighborhood. I almost started crying on the elliptical at the gym.
I haven't been able to sleep at night. I wonder if I could have done something to prevent it from happening. He was so smart, interesting, handsome and just a nice down to earth guy. I can't believe this happened! I keep thinking of his parents. What a loss
Please don't beat yourself up, there is nothing ANYONE (except him) could have done to prevent his decision to end his life. We cannot control other people's actions. I know it's human nature to second guess & play the "what if" game, but the fact is that he decided to committ suicide.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my prayers.
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I am so sorry, to lose someone in that way is torturous, my aunt committed suicide this summer and it still haunts me. Day after day I wonder what could I have done, what could I have said. It is hard but don’t blame yourself. I will pray for you to find peace with the situation. I will keep you in my prayers
It's so easy to blame ourselves - it can be like some kind of wish to have more control over the situation. Nothing you could have said or done could have made him take that action, nor could it have truly stopped him if he was set on doing it. Nothing you can say or do will bring him back.
But we can say for sure that your friendship made moments of his obviously difficult life alot better. And for that, you can feel good.
It's a hard thing to accept, though. And if you feel at any time that your thoughts about him or your grief get to be too much for you to handle or are getting in the way of you living your life - please talk to someone. A doctor, a friend or find a therapist.
Thank you all for your support. In my week of an ADD moment I forgot to check this post.
I do cherish the 8 years of friendship that we had but I felt guilty for not being his active friend (getting together to hang out, etc.) for the past year and a half.
I went to temple last night (I'm Jewish) and it did help somewhat - there was a prayer about events causing pain and looking inside to God for insight; that and the sense of community at temple (I even saw my dermatologist who prescribed Spironolactone and other PCOS meds for my skin!) did help.
I think when I have thoughts of him in a casket (which fortunately I didn't see) or his grave I am most anxious and upset. I even had a dream this week that I was looking through different albums of the two of us and on one page that was blank there were pictures of people having hanged themselves.
Hopefully some of those dreams will subside. Thank you so much for the support, I am still in grief and mourning for the loss of such a talented, funny, and handsome guy who can't be replaced but as soon as I can get my printer working I'm going to type him a letter, fold it up, put it in a balloon and let it float up to the sky.
Thank you so much for the support. It's been difficult but I am slowly pulling through. Right now I am just in disbelief that I will never see him again. I keep thinking of his voice saying "Hi Becca, it's Smiles" (his nickname that everyone called him).
At first I kept thinking of the viewing at the funeral (that I didn't go to because it was 8 hours away and I can't drive). I just can't believe that he is now buried.
I did have a bad dream this week that I was looking through pictures of the two of us and in the middle of my photo album I saw pictures of a woman who hanged herself - the pictures showed the hanging from all different angles. It was one of those very vivid dreams.
As soon as my printer is fixed (hopefully next week) I'm planning to write him a letter, fold it up, put it in a balloon and watch it float up to the sky. Maybe he will get it ...
College friend committed suicide; feeling overwhelmed 
