Well girls...i was thinking of you all today. I just got home from my doctor...the clinic...the nurses...THEEEEE nurse in fact who sat me down last time and told me my girls werent going to make it...it was like a timewarp...but this time i was pregnant with a different baby...
when i walked into the office there she was...THAT nurse...and i kind of stopped in my tracks and just stared at her for what seemed like a long time but i guess wasnt cuz they didnt notice me doing anything weird...and what got me was how composed i was. I couldnt even walk into that place after i had my girls...the thought of that office made me queasy...and shakey...and here i was walking in again happy and excited about my baby inside me. What a roller coaster of emotions...i cant believe almost a year ago i was ready to sue them all!!
But i guess why i'm sharing this with you is not to rub in the fact that i've gone forward and gotten pregnant again...but that i'm so glad i took the time i needed to heal as much as i could from losing my girls before i tried again. The timing is different for everybody...and its ongoing...some people try sooner and some wait even longer then me...but its all about when youre ready...theres no schedule. My girls... they are in my thoughts every single day...and then there is this living baby inside that fills me with hope and determination to do all i can do to keep it safe and healthy...but what struck me today is that i can think of my girls and not crumble like i used to. I guess i just wanted to let you know that as hard as it is...it does get easier...and good things come again in your life. A year ago i would never have said that...cuz i didnt believe it myself...
well i guess i'm just rambling...just trying to make sense of things i guess. When your loss is fresh this post wont be comforting to you...its too soon...but i guess i just wanted to share i guess...hope you dont mind...
take care and i wish peace to all of you...and our angel babies...
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
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Thank you for sharing, Kim. It's very helpful to me to watch you ladies who've gone before us, go on to have successful pregnancies. I couldn't be happier for all of you. It's a feeling I can't really describe. And I really really appreciate you sharing this, especially the part about things getting better. Sometimes it is totally unbelievable that things will ever feel better. But when my grandmother, who has lost 4 children in infancy and early childhood, tells me that it will get better, I believe her. And I believe you.
Thanks, and God bless.
Adrianne
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Kim,
I'm so very proud of you for reaching this point. I think it was around the same stage in that terrible first year that I was able to think of my baby without really sinking backward a bit... I actually had times when memories of her for the first time weren't painful and were just me appreciating the time I had with her and how she changed my life. Now, don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of the other kind! But like you, I didn't think it would be possible to feel joy or hope again. Now I know that there can be a mixture of all of these things in life, and I hope that the good parts really start to outweigh the hard parts heavily for some of us with babies depending on us. I do feel that grief is a lifelong journey that can and should be easier as time passes, and I'm glad I know you ladies and some people in real life who truly understand and share this with me.
Best of Luck with the New Little One!!
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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You were one of the first to respond when I m/c last October and again in May...and you were so kind and so understanding...it really helps to see you at this place. It kinda comforts me to know their is hope....
Same for you Sheri...
Lori
__________________ Lovin' my babies To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Miranda Desire~16
Kayla Michelle~14
Dakota Chance~8
Tristan Sawyer~3
Zoe
6 Precious Angels~ Forever in my Heart
Prenatal Vit
Heparin 2x a day @ 5,000 units
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I wish it would be easy for all of us in this forum to get together and have some coffee or tea sometime. Just my little dream. It just really helps to be able to share with people who have a clue what is going on.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Hey Kim!
I just wanted to say I'm very familiar with that roller coaster. After Eden made it successfully here I thought I'd have more confidence but what a deja vu to be having twins again after losing my boys. I have such a good feeling this time but I know its weird when you think about your kids who didn't make it & you realize you won't meltdown right there.
I'm glad you told the other cysters that it gets a bit easier with time.
You always ALWAYS love & miss them. No matter how long.
Ok *BIG sigh*
God bless
JJ
__________________ Jennifer35 Stephen31
Married 12/31/99-soulmates 12yrs
no PCOS symptoms-thin cyster dx 4/01
100mg clomid/HCG/IUI=TWIN boys
rescue cerclage 1/02
c-section @24w3d 1/15/02
DANIEL & CHRISTIAN lived 1 precious day & died in my arms
D&C w severe blood loss 3/02
repeat D&C 6/02
50mg clomid/IUI
cerclage 11/02
EDEN FAITH born via c-section 4/21/03 @36w2d
50mg clomid/bd pg--m/c @5w 8/04
50 mg clomid/bd=TWINS b/g
cerclage 12/04
AUTUMN GRACE & ASHER STEPHEN 5/30/05 via c-section@35w5d
At my 2 week PP check-up, the nurse had me get on the scale, saw that I'd lost weight, looked really confused and actually ASKED ME IF I'D HAD THE BABY!!! Why the heck wasn't that in the chart? So I was already crying by the time I got into the room I was in when I found out about the bulging membranes. It was so awful.
I'm switching docs because my old OB-GYN is an incompetent idiot, not to avoid memories. But I'm very glad I never have to see that office again!
And I know that I don't want to get pregnant ever again in the spring, because everything would remind me of being pregnant with Rivi (like I'm not going to think about him all through the next pregnancy anyway, right?).
I was in Walmart the other night and I saw a little boy with hair just like Rivi's (really black and straight, perfect hairline). I had to go into the dressing room to cry.
It is getting easier, but it doesn't seem to happen quickly enough!
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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I'm reading C.S. Lewis' book A Grief Observed. It's his personal reflections on grief after the loss of his wife due to cancer. It's from a Christian perspective (which I know that you don't all share), but he makes a good point that I'm trying to hold onto. He said that healing comes so slowly that we can't really perceive it happening. Like the sun rising, we don't really know that it is happening until it has been going on for some time. The transition is so slow.
viv, I can't believe those idiots couldn't even keep track of whether you had the baby or not. How insensitive! My OB was a jerk too, and I'm glad I switched. I found a doc that practices on his own. He does all of his calls and took the time to get to know me and my issues. I think it is the best way to go for a pregnancy after a loss. For me, I'll worry less about slipping through the cracks.
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Composure through flashbacks...pg mentioned 
