A confession & a prayer request (really long)

01-30-2006, 07:48 AM

This is probably going to be long and I hope not to be judged too harshly!!!

I was raised Catholic, but stopped following the faith in my teens. Although I continued to believe in God and when we married we got married in a Uniting Church because we both wanted God's blessing.

I have had a mostly wonderful blessed life, and I try to be positive at all times.

The last 2 years have been a bit rough. My grandmother died, my brother had a car accident but thankfully because he was so fit he came out perfectly fine, my mother in law (to be at the time) was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (cancer) and nearly died 3 times (twice she was read her last rites), and thankfully she is still with us. Recently my father in law was diagnosed with bipolar. Theres been some other stuff to but I won't go into everything!!!

Anyway finally after all our dramas had died down and everyone seemed well & healthy again we were able to get engaged & married in April this year. We thought FINALLY some good news for us, and a chance to start afresh. We had a wonderful honeymoon.

We came back and moved house (stressful enough!!!). The new house is a rental (because we put our savings into shares rather then a mortgage). We got a new house in preparation of me falling pregnant. It was a significantly higher rental because of all the extra room & a backyard, but we both had good stable jobs & knew we could afford it. I had been in my job for 3 and half years and DH 6 years.

Then DH lost his job (redundancy, nice one huh after they attended our wedding they announced it a week after we moved house and only 3 weeks after he returned from our honeymoon after 6 loyal years....grrrr).

So then we were in a situation where we had committed to a house we might not be able to afford. I also thought at that point I might be pregnant because we had been trying (didn't know at that point that I had PCOS). Luckily he found a job a month later (which he hated and has since changed again & all is well). But it was such a stressful time.

I didn't realise at the time but the last 2 years had really taken their toll on me. I had tried so hard to 'fix' everyone and was filled with anxiety. The recent job loss really had me at the edge. For the past two years I had been suffering panic attacks and was physically getting ill - bronchitis, sinusitis etc etc. My GP kept warning me to slow down (she is the GP for the entire family so knew what I was going through). She said if I didn't slow down I end up having a nervous breakdown.

Finally everything seemed settled - DH had the new job so finance wasn't a problem so we went back to ttc. Then I found out I had PCOS. I was absolutely devastated. It was the final blow and my body just shutdown. I thought I cannot possibly cope with anymore. This is the final straw. I also started having flashbacks to a sexual assault that happened 11 years prior that I never reported and that I thought I was over.

I went home from work and really thought God has abandoned me. I must be an evil, bad person to keep having these difficult times. There is no God, or at least no God for me. I went from being a confident, up beat, outgoing, fun loving, witty person to an angry, depressed, self-loathing one. That day there was a knock on my door and there were Jehovah's Witnesses. Talk about bad timing, or in retrospect good timing. Just as I thought God has abandoned me, there first words to me were "We are hear to spread the word that Jesus loves you and is with you".

I took their bible but really I thought you gotta be kiddin me. One of the men picked up that I was upset (I told them NOTHING about me or my circumstances just listened to what they had to say) and said to me "Pray to God because I know it works, we will pray for you".

I thought yeah right I will chuck this bible out. But I didn't and left it on top of the fridge.

Over the next few months I really spiralled down. Its been the hardest time emotionally of my life. I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety. Sometimes I turned to alcohol or self harmed. I was put on antidepressants and I'm seeing a therapist. Slowly but surely I have made what I believe to be remarkable progress. The Jehovah's Witnesses did come back but I told them I'm not interested, go away.

The whole time its been difficult I wanted to pray to God still but I didn't because I was so angry with him. He abandoned me. I didn't celebrate Christmas out of protest. No tree, no cards, no gifts.

My gyn told me just before Christmas that if I was ever going to conceive I would need Clomid. She said whilst I ovulated occassionally like around 3 times a year it would take forever for me to fall pregnant naturally. I decided not to use Clomid. I thought I will take a break from TTC and use the time to improve on the progress I'm already making. When I turn 30 in July this year, then I will look at using Clomid.

So DH & I gave up - we used natural methods to prevent (i.e. withdrawal). I discovered last Thursday that I'm pregnant. Today I am 6 weeks 6 days pregnant. Words cannot describe how thrilled we both are. We both truly believe this is an absolute miracle.

The thing is I feel so guilty because I've been drinking & taking antidepressants that I worry about the health of my unborn child. I've been bleeding a little so they sent for an ultrasound last Friday. All looks well and at this stage (awaiting blood test results) they can see no cause for the bleeding. On Sunday the bleeding stopped and so far it hasn't started again.

Well I dropped to my knees & prayed like I've never prayed before. I begged Gods forgiveness and to look after my unborn child. To please give me a healthy & happy pregnancy & a healthy baby at the end of it. I did this in my kitchen. And I swear to you I heard the words so soft but so strong "The Father never leaves his child. I never abandoned you and I never will. You may abandon me, but I am always here. Even when you lose your faith, you do not lose me". Well I just bawled. I cannot understand how God could forgive me after I totally gave up on him. How angry I was. If a friend did that to me and then came back to me just because they wanted something (i.e. a healthy pregnancy) I'd be inclined to tell them to get lost. How forgiving. I guess thats why his God and not human?!!!

So this is my confession of poor prenatal care. Whilst I haven't drank too much, its certainly not ideal. Ive also had plently of sober days & eaten well, but still the guilt is enormous. I feel like I'm unworthy of this amazing gift, but I want it so badly. I promise I will do my best to get back to the confident, compassionate, ambitious person I was and to be the best mother I can be. But I need Gods help.

Can you please pray for me that I get stronger, but also that this miracle continues and I get to have this healthy happy baby in September 2006.

Thank you in advance. And I also hope & pray that this thread maybe gives others some hope that miracles sometimes do happen.

Frenetic · 01-30-2006, 03:12 PM

What an amazing story of God's grace!!
I truly wish you the absolute best. God has given you this miracle for a reason. I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months and a beautiful, healthy baby out of this.
Your story brought tears to my eyes. People have been speaking about miracles a lot lately around me, it seems. It's so inspiring to see God do His work.
I'll be praying that your emotions, etc. improve. Just keep in mind that moment in your kitchen and keep pressing on.
Hugs!

PollySis · 01-31-2006, 03:16 PM

I wouldn't worry about your baby's health. Six weeks is very early on, you won't have done any harm.

Many years ago, I'd given up on trying to conceive a baby and got on with my life which at that time meant training for a new career. Needless to say, I got pregnant. I was on teaching practice, and on the last day one of my little girls went down with chicken pox. A few days later I had it too, and the same day I had a miscarriage at around 3 months. I picked myself up and carried on - assuming all was lost. All my pregnancy symptoms went the day I had the miscarriage - and I'd had acute morning sickness, you name it. All gone. 2 months later I couldn't ignore the fact I was getting fat. Then I felt a baby move. I was down the doctor's the same afternoon and he confirmed I was in fact pregnant and 20 weeks. I hadn't bothered seeing a doctor when I had the miscarriage, (I'd had them before), but it turned out I'd been expecting non identical twins and when I miscarried one - I kept one. As I hadn't had any scans (I was still getting my head round being pregnant at all), I'd had no idea it was twins.

The rest of the pregnancy was uneventful and I gave birth to a beautiful little boy on the due date. The miscarriage happened at 12 weeks, we worked it out according to scan dates, afterwards.

For two months, I'd assumed I was no longer pregnant - gone down the pub all the time (I was a student!), eaten and drank whatever I felt like, sat in smoky bars - you name it. I thought I'd had another miscarriage so what was the point in looking after myself anymore? The rest of the pregnancy I worried myself stupid - and what a waste of time! My son was born healthy, normal... and this year he was 16. He just got his mock GCSE results back and he's getting As across the board. So no way did I harm him in those 2 months of pregnancy I had no idea I was pregnant. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time worrying about him!

I just wanted to reassure you so you relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Don't waste any more time on worrying or feeling negative - that can do the baby more harm than anything you've already done, unintentionally.

Don't forget you're at the mercy of your hormones now, which effect your emotions and can effect your judgement so take it easy and don't be hard on yourself or make any life-changing spiritual decisions until post-partum.

As the Irish comedian Dave Allen used to say: 'May your gods go with you - whoever they are!'

<3CottonCandy<3 · 01-31-2006, 07:50 PM

God is truly great! He listens to all of his servants prayers. I pray you have a happy and healthy 9 months and a wonderful, happy, healthy child. It is never to late to stop or start doing something good. Now is the perfect time

GabrielsMom · 01-31-2006, 10:41 PM

I've felt, so many times over the past year, that God has abandoned me. It's a natural reaction to all of the pain and suffering. But turning away from Him is the worst thing you could do. Run to Him, as He is the only one who can really carry us.

I lost my baby in Nov. 04, and I just lost my younger brother. But I know that the Lord who carried me through the grief of losing Gabriel will also carry me through the grief of losing David... as long as I lean on Him.

Remember - He didn't abandon Job and He won't abandon you. Praise God!

Hugs,
Adrianne

02-01-2006, 02:04 AM

Thank you all so much. Your responses mean so much too me.
I'm trying to work my way back into God's good books!!! I would never be as forgiving of me as He has been. But it does inspire me to be a better person, more compassionate and more forgiving of others. My promise to Him as that I will keep trying to be the best person I can be.
Whenever I get anxious I ask Him to come to me, and I don't know it may sound corny but I do feel a 'presence' and I feel comforted & calmed by it.
I went to my GP this morning and all my blood & urine results are in the "Excellent" category. In fact my Pregnancy Validation Factor??? is 4662 which means nothing to me but my GP said this is very good.
So I thank God again for hearing my prayers.
Thanks PollySis. I'm worried about my alcohol intake. The first two weeks that I would have been pregnant was Christmas & New Year so I ate & drank what I pleased never dreaming I could be pregnant.
But it is God's hands now, and all I can do is pray I didn't do any harm, and now that I do know about the pregnancy I'm eating very healthy. Infact I've actually lost weight I think from all the good food I'm having.
Thanks again for your prayers, and I hope my story (as hard as it was to live it) does inspire hope & faith in others.

Wendy M. · 02-01-2006, 06:14 AM

Thanks for sharing your story with us. God is Good! Alot of us go through things in life that we feel like giving up and sometimes we don't understand why things happen to us. But God is with us through all of this. He loves you and he will never leave you. We all get lost sometimes, but he will always be there to put us in the right direction. Just believe in him and never lose faith in him. I think that it is a true blessing that you are pregnant and May God Bless you and that baby and I hope that you have a healthy and safe pregnancy. You have had many ups and downs it seems like for the last few years, but even though you felt like giving up, God was not going to let you...because he loves you and he had a plan for you. He hears your crys he crys with us he knows what you feel and he feels the pain when you go through it, but the one good thing is that he is always here for us with open arms and he always will be there for you. Stay strong and pray and sometimes what I do when I am feeling upset or down or not understanding why things happen the way they do.. I tell him God I am giving it all to you today. Give him your troubles and worries he will take it and help you through it. Things always seem to work out for me when I let him take total control over some situtations, because he knows best. We are all here for you, alot of us been through things you have or similar things and we are here for you. I know God has big plans for you just hang in there, he has blessed you with a miracle already. May God Bless you and your baby! Stay Strong!!! (((HUGS)))

02-27-2006, 02:33 AM

Unfortunately an ultrasound at 9 weeks 3 days showed no heartbeat.
I had a D & C last Wednesday.
I just don't understand, it seems so cruel.
I wish I knew why.

KatCarney · 02-27-2006, 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jane8660

Unfortunately an ultrasound at 9 weeks 3 days showed no heartbeat.
I had a D & C last Wednesday.
I just don't understand, it seems so cruel.
I wish I knew why.

This is very sad news...

You will be in my prayers tonight.
Continue to lean on the Lord...don't give up on Him, please.

lil lizzie · 02-27-2006, 03:43 AM

I'm so sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers sweetie. {{{hugs}}}

TracyW2 · 02-27-2006, 04:12 AM

{{{HUGS}}} You have a truly inspirational story. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, but please dont push God aside in this time of need. He will help you get through this. I have been there and back, I have yelled at him and asked why. There is a reason and a time for everything.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

~tracy

GabrielsMom · 02-27-2006, 04:17 AM

I'm so sorry Jane

03-02-2006, 06:00 AM

But WHY? Is there some big "lesson" that I'm meant to be getting but I keep missing it. What is the point? Am I just a bad person who is being punished? Is it random? Bad luck? What is it?

Ajani · 03-02-2006, 03:52 PM

Honey, not everything is to "teach us a lesson", though we are free to learn from anything that happens to us.

I am going through a dry period in my own faith, so I feel like, "Who am I to say anything to anyone else about God's grace and mercy and love," but I do know that He does love you, and that you don't have to work to "get back into His good books." You were never out of them.

Look, in my sig there is a blinkie about prayer. Click on it. It will take you to my friend's site, a place dedicated to God's love for us. Unconditional love. No strings, no works, no effort on our part. It's all about how much God just wants to love us. Watch the video (click here). Make sure your volume is up and just watch. Let God speak to you in this difficult time. Okay? He has something that He wants to say to you, if you'll hear Him.