Conflicting feelings

Trajo · 09-08-2003, 01:02 AM

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I belong here because I lost Chloe. I belong on the mommy board because I have Macey, albeit she's still in the hospital and has never been "home." I keep telling myself that "home" is everytime she looks at me and smiles, each time I hold her close and feel her breathe. I hope that is enough to sustain her while she's so far away. I don't know what to tell her about losing her sister, when she's older. I miss my other daughter. My marriage is a mess. I keep trudging along and have no clue what the end result will be. I feel like I'm being torn in two, everytime I think of losing Chloe, even though I know she's in Heaven with Jesus, everywhere I look, it's sadness. When I look at Macey, here with us, I look around and see goodness and hope. I feel like I'm going to scream if one more person says "well, at least you still have Macey"...as if that makes everything better. It's a harsh daily reminder that my other daughter didn't make it...that my Baby B is missing her "A"....As Macey grows, she looks more and more like Chloe. She is a spicey little baby, and I keep thinking Chloe would have been the sugar to her spice...wouldn't that have been nice? I wish you all well, I hope I didn't offend anyone, just sitting at the computer feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening.

sparrow · 09-08-2003, 01:30 AM

Trajo, I am far from being offended...I am glad you reached out to us. Please feel welcome on this board too.

I can't believe how insensitive some people are, can you? They say the stupidest things. Yes, you have Macey--but you have lost Chloe, and she was a special, one-of-a-kind girl. You need to grieve for her. She has a place in your heart and your life forever, a place no one else can ever fill. I like to think that she is Macey's guardian angel, watching over her for the rest of her life.

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is not so hot these days. I am sure this is a very stressful time for both of you. I hope you can open the lines of communication somehow, either between the two of you or with the help of a professional.

As far as what to tell Macey--fortunately, you have some time to think about that, and I believe that you will find the words when it is time.

Chloe knows how much you love her, Trajo.

Amie · 09-08-2003, 06:43 PM

Tracy Jo -

I have been following your story. I am so sorry about Chloe. I can't believe that people tell you "at least you have Macey". Sometimes people can be so insensitive. (eve when they are trying to be helpful) You lost a child. You have every right to grieve.

I too have a baby waiting for me in heaven and I know that one day I will hold her. And you too will hold Chloe again someday.

I am sorry to hear this is all taking a toll on your marriage. You and your Dh have been through so much. I am in awe of your strength. I look forward to hearing your updates about Macey. I am lifting you, your DH and Macey up in prayer. May God comfort you all.

Amie

Trajo · 09-09-2003, 08:25 AM

Thank you for all of your kind words. Me and dh are in counseling and hopefully that will work. We are just exhausted right now, not having fully been able to mourn Chloe because we've been having to focus on Macey and her issues. She is still 90 minutes away at another hospital, and that doesn't help. She has an eye exam Friday and hopefully she will return to our hospital by next week. I just want to bring her home, give her a nice relaxing bath, put some soft fleece pajamas on her and tell her that everything is going to be ok, that mommy and daddy won't be hooking monitors up to her with sticky tape that hurts her skin, that we're not going to put needles in her heels and make her scream, that we're not going to treat her like a number like they do in the hospital. I wish there was a way I could let her know that. I guess it'll hae to wait until we bring her home.

Sarah in Louisiana · 09-09-2003, 02:36 PM

Tracy,

I wish my sister had internet, I think you two could be very helpful to each other right now. She had her twins July 1. Brianna was 14" long and Morrisa was 13.5" long (I don't remember their weights) I do know that Brianna was the larger of the two, and made it 12 days. Morrisa is doing well, considering. But she's going through the same feelings. Although she still has one, it's not stopping the pain that her twin is gone.

I've not been a whole lot of help to her I don't think. I lost both of mine at birth in December, so I'm kinda in the "group that you probably want to smack" because I feel thankful for her that she still at least has Morrisa.

I think that everything you are feeling is normal.

packerfan · 09-10-2003, 11:59 PM

Tracy,

My heart goes out to you and your family, you've been through so much. It is very understandable that there would be strain in your marriage with what you and DH have had to deal with. It's good you are in counseling. Post here as much as you want, you belong just as much as any of us.

Try to remember, there ARE better days ahead of you. TIme will heal some of your pain, but you'll always miss Chloe. You WILL get to take Macey home, and you will get to show her the wonderful things about life, not just the difficult things.

Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. You have every right to grieve even though you have one baby. Having one living child in no way replaces the one you lost and people that tell you otherwise are just plain ignorant.

Your family will continue to be in my prayers for happier days to come.

Kim

hilfgirl33 · 09-11-2003, 05:31 PM

Trajo,

I've followed your posts and have felt for you and your family so much. Your story is devastating and miraculous. I think it is so normal for you to be feeling the way you feel and not surprising that there are tensions between you and DH. First of all, you lost a child - the most devastating thing that can happen to a family. In that same time frame, you were given a child - the most miraculous thing that can happen. Then with Macey, you didn't even know how things were going to go, and you've been dealing with having a sick child - devastation again. The emotional rollercoaster you are still on is really unfathomable to me. I lost two boys in the 2nd trimester, and I got to grieve for them and recover from them individually, without any added stress. That alone was difficult beyond words.

Things will get better with time. You have to respect all your feelings and give them merit when you are feeling them. I hope you and DH are able to get help through counseling.

I will pray that things get easier soon. It seems like they will. And like one other mother said above, now that time and prayer has healed me, I am so happy knowing that when I get there, I will have two baby boys to fill my arms. For right know, they are resting in the best hands possible.

Peace.