Confused and Impatient... I'm so lost

Policewife · 09-29-2008, 11:14 PM

I DON'T
want to wait till Jan to start TTC again. I miss the feeling of being pregnant so badly. It just hurts all the time. My bb's are still really sore and sometimes I just think I'm still pregnant and that I never lost the baby, and sometimes my mind just flashes to that moment I was looking at my baby on a big screen and didn't see a single heartbeating and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die with it.

I don't ever cry about it. My husband thinks I'm totally fine and when people say they're sorry I just say "oh its okay I knew it was gonna happen". Its not okay though. My father the other night just says "oh still have a stomach there, better get rid of that fast" and I just think NO I don't want to. Then I think of what an a** he is to say that to me two days after my D & C. I just can't cry about it though I don't know why.. Shock maybe..Or maybe it is just cause i knew it was gonna happen.

Maybe I should have listened to my MIL and not told anyone about the pregnancy, I jinxed myself. I knew it would happen. I think I believe her now when she says she'll never get her grandchild. My SIL and myself both lost our first pregnancy.

Sometimes I think I'll take my chances and start TTC before Jan and then I think no what if that causes another miscarriage.I think maybe I don't want to have a baby again, cause I just have this feeling I'm going to miscarry again, like I did with this pregnancy. I knew it wasn't right and I'm afraid I won't be able to shake that feeling again and I'll cause a miscarriage. I'm just ugh.. impatient and confused.. Two things that shouldn't go together

All my friggin friends are poppin out kids left and right, and putting up they're belly pics and asking me what they should get for their 1 year olds b-day like I really want to think about their kids right now and I just wanna be like I dunno what should I get to remember my DEAD baby's b-day? Enjoy your kids 1 year birthday, I'm gonna go sit in my room now.. And thats how I feel

AnotherDreamer · 09-30-2008, 12:31 AM

Oh, hun. First of all big (*HUGS*)

Allow yourself to grieve, don't hide it, don't fight it. Let it out. You have every right to mourn your child, and if no one can see that you are still in pain... tell them.

Don't blame yourself for losing the pregnancy, and you certainly didn't jinx yourself. I know, with my miscarriage, I wonder if I jinxed it by not telling anyone. As if telling everyone would have somehow made it work out. But the truth is, none of those things would have stopped it. And you, I read your story, you did everything in your power to keep that baby alive. There was nothing else you could have done.

I think you should wait until January, so that you are completely healed physically, and have given yourself the time to grieve. And it is scary to try again, I like you lost my first pregnancy. I lost mine in May, and somehow started trying again in June. It was sooo scary at first, and it still is. And it's upsetting to lose that first pregnancy, it really is. You'll never get that back, and it hurts.

I had people around me who couldn't understand what I was going through, and I eventually came to lean solely on my husband and my online support buddies. I couldn't take one more, "It could have been worse." I was in hysterics every time a family member told that to me. It's not fair, to be going through so much pain, and not having anyone there for you.

I think you should talk to your DH, tell him how you really feel. He can't be there for you if he doesn't know he needs to be.

I also suggest naming your child, get something to remember them with. It makes it easier, though harder in some ways, to have something around you to remember them by.

Big hugs again hun.

Miracle07 · 09-30-2008, 12:20 PM

I ditto what Another said in her post.

It is hard not to put yourself under a microscope and analize every single thing and think that if I did or didn't do this or that things would have been different.

Iluvstjohn · 09-30-2008, 10:21 PM

First of all...Breathe....in and out.....it is all so new to you...so raw and still so new. It will be a roller coaster for a while. Want to be pregnant...do want to "feel it"....you are fine...then you want it all over again. That is so normal. You have been so normal all along...you just didn't know it!

Second of all....good things will come...I promise...I just can't promise you when they will arrive. For me...after my dnc....I didn't get af for 8 months! How on earth can I get get pregnant if I didn't have a friggin cycle! That started my "journey".

I found it VERY therapeutic to memoralize my "angel". I got angel figurines to put in the garden and EVERY time I do the dishes I look out to see this angel...and I am reminded.....I have the ever popular willow tree angels...a wonderful collection. and they are proudly displayed in my home.....

I wish wish wish...I got a tatoo...of angel wings....but I am saving that for mt 40 year b-day gift as a rebellion gift! lOl.....

let yourself grieve...the 3 months doctors give is a time for the heart to heal and the uterus to get a nice thick lining built up for the next pregnancy. Allow yourself time to grieve and build up a healthy lining for the next baby.

Oh and slap your fil silly.....you didn't have a 'belly" from this baby......people don't get belly's at 4 or 5 weeks pregnant. It's just not physically possible. If you had any "gain" it was normal bloating....and that's not baby! Tell him to shove it!

hang in there.....it is a long road...

SheriKCMO · 10-01-2008, 02:18 AM

I'm so sorry about all of this. You should not blame yourself at all. So many of us around this board have had subsequent pregnancies that went to term, and the whole time was filled with "I'm sure it's not going to make it, something feels wrong, I shouldn't tell anyone, I'm going to lose it, I'm certain!" Seriously, this does not cause a loss, and YOU did not cause your loss. Guilt is a normal stage of grief, and we've all been there. Please believe me when I say you don't have to wait a certain amount of time, but in a few months you will feel more settled into your new normal and feel ready in a different way than you feel now. Wishing you peace!!! ((Hugs))

babes4me · 10-02-2008, 12:42 AM

I lost my pregnancy about the same time you did. I was just a little far behind you in duration. I'm pissed and sad and I can't cry either. I think I should be able to, because I think it might make me feel better, but I think I'm holding off to prove that I'm stronger than that.

Two days ago, I found out that coworker is pg. A month ahead of where I should have been. I got really angry at her and I haven't forgiven her, as strange as that is. I don't have a lot of interaction with her, but I find myself going out of my way to avoid her so I don't say anything to her (I suspected the same, she was in the bathroom as often I was last month).

I think everyone grieves differently. Some people (me) need to carry on with life like nothing happened. I started a round of Clomid last week already on the advice of my doc and am just waiting for the big O to happen this month so we can try again. Right now, I'm not scared to try again. I'm sure that will change when I get pg again.

Stay strong, and keep talking about it until the pain goes away. If you are ready to try again before Jan, talk to your doc and make sure they say it's good from a medical perspective. But that's just MHO.