Coping with infertility

Pretty_In_Pink · 04-11-2007, 07:57 PM

Though I don't feel that I am deeply depressed, coming to terms with my infertility has been very difficult. My doctors have not said it's impossible for me to conceive; it's just unlikely. My husband and I have not used BC methods in 1 1/2 years, and still nothing. Metformin has finally helped me have regular periods, but my hormones are very, very touchy and rarely seem to be in check.

The strange thing is I go back and forth on wanting children. Once I learned I might never be able to have biological children, I tried to tell myself I didn't want children, because I thought I would deal with it the best if I changed my goals. However, now that many of my friends are pregnant and starting families, I feel isolated. They all discuss their pregnancies, babies, taking their children to the park, getting pictures done, first steps and funny moments, and I just sit there. My body has confused me so much that I feel like I don't even know what I want from it.

I'm working hard at finding other things to make me happy; I'll be starting work on my graduate degree this coming school year, and my husband and I are expanding our business over the summer. Sometimes it all seems like a great joke to me - here we are completely financially stable, spoiled in fact, young, educated, independent, responsible...and childless. I feel like I should be a mom now, but at the same time I just wish that longing would go away so I could pursue my other goals without this lingering shadow.

I can push it all to the back of my mind for a little while, but it always comes back. Today I found out that a single friend of mine is 7 months pregnant, and has been hiding it from her family. She is a girl I've know literally since birth. Adding her to the list, I'm up to five friends who are currently pregnant or have given birth in the last 4 months. I absolutely feel grateful that I'm in a good position in my life - not struggling or in a position of worrying about caring for a child alone, as this friend is - but it doesn't make the notion that I might never experience pregnancy any easier.

I know there must be thousands of other women who feel the same. How do you cope?

navy_wife_martin · 04-11-2007, 08:20 PM

I know exactly what you mean. I know people don't like to hear that, and it usually doesn't mean much. But, I honestly do. It's like you wrote a biograpy of our fertilty journey. We have been TTC for almost 4 years. And in that time we were hopeful, devestated, decided to adopt, decided not to adopt, took clomid, cursed clomid, gonna retry clomid, metformin, still no periods without yasmin, and now am losing weight. The only thing honestly that kept me decently sane and not commiting suicide was my husband. I had gotten so low for so long, and then on top of not being a "woman" b/c i was "broken" and couldn't give him a baby and didn't even have periods, i seemed to be DROWNING in it. I even almost wanted my wonderful husband who i've been with since we were 15 to divorce me so he could marry a woman to give him a baby. And on top of not being able to do the most "natural" thing as a woman like having periods and getting pregnant, we have the hair growth, hair loss, dark spots, awful skin, apple shape, acne, etc etc. And once it's on paper is seems like a death sentence. But i just keep telling myslef it WILL happen, and if it really doesn't then i'll cross that bridge when i get there. I just have to learn PATIENCE. which is going to help me more than most of the meds i'm going to take. Sorry i started rambling, i have a tendency to do that. But here is the biggest cyber hug i can muster up *squuueeeezee* Just keep pushing on.

DianeJ · 04-11-2007, 10:13 PM

First of all

It's a really hard thing to deal with. I, unfortunately, wasn't dx until I was in my 30's. And at that point, I had given up, I was so miserable physically and HAD to stay on bcp. Once I started meds and things improved immensely, my doctor gave me hope again. And here I am, 6 years later, and I still don't have any answers. As each year goes on, it is getting harder for me. I'm turning 40 in July and I feel like I'm almost out of time. I mean, how long before I say enough is enough, you know? I did IVF and after my last frozen transfer didn't work, I just didn't bounce back like I had before. With each negative, it got harder and harder. I ended up on medication last September because of it and they've helped quite a bit so far. We just moved here last October so I haven't gotten around to finding a support group. I really think that would help. I have a goal of losing 25lbs before i ask my doctor for a referral to another RE, but part of me has given up already, I think.

As for coping - I honestly don't know how I get through it. My hubby is a big part of it, he's been wonderful. And many of the women on this site have helped too. In fact, I know I wouldn't have gotten through all I have if I hadn't had them for support. I've also seen a lot of miracles on this board too, so it's hard not to give up hope. It's a roller coaster. I think if you decide to live your life child-free, it's something that you have to accept at such a deep level that you only know it when you reach it. Does that make sense? And is adoption definitely out? I know it's not for some people. I'm not sure of it myself, that it's something *I* can get through with my sanity intact.

May I ask why your doctor has told you it's unlikely for you to conceive? If it's just because you have pcos, please get a second opinion! Even if it's something else, have you gotten another opinion? Depending on where in WA you live, if you're near Seattle, check out http://www.seattlefertility.com They are *very* good with pcos, from what I've heard from a few people. If you're near there, might not hurt to do a consult with them. Oh, and good luck with school this summer!! What a great accomplishment for you.

navywife - hey, I'm a navy wife too!! Funny, too - we just moved from Bremerton to Great Lakes in Oct. - AND my hubby used to be on the Stennis when it was stationed in CA. Sorry to hear your hubby is on deployment. How much longer does he have? Hope it's not too much longer and he's home soon! And it does seem as if everyone you meet in the navy has children, doesn't it? It's really 'in your face' if you live in housing too, kids everywhere. I wish you lots of luck with your weight loss; congrats on what you've lost so far! Sometimes just losing 10% of your weight can help tremendously on the ttc front. Lots of luck when you get to try again!

navy_wife_martin · 04-11-2007, 10:22 PM

HEY DIANE! small navy world, huh? lol Ya we DO live in housing and are THE ONLY literally the only childless couple on my street FUN FUN. But ya, I'm reaaching my second wind, well more like that fourth or fifth wind lol. Thank you for saying hi...I forget what it's like to talk to people sometimes hehehe. He has around 4 to 5 months left (can't say more and of COURSE you know what i mean lol) he's on an extended WESTPAC if that helps. I hope that one day everyone everywhere that wants a child will get it. But on a smaller scale I hope we all *here* get our miracle. I know I am very lucky to have been diagnosed so young and I'm hoping that taking my health in to my own hands will pay off with a child in my arms. what's your hubby do? mine's an ABE launch and recovery (aka he catches jets lol) but he's TAD in the brig as security right now. k well, keep in touch, k?

Pretty_In_Pink · 04-11-2007, 10:36 PM

Thank you both for the encouraging words. As you both well know, there are good and bad days, and I think today has just been one of the bad days. I did my hour of exercise though; keeping moving always helps.

As for the infertility, I have had two doctors tell me the same thing. Both seem to label it somewhat of a mystery, saying that there might be a window of opportunity, but it is likely small. I live in the Yakima area, so Seattle is about 2 1/2 hours away. However, the initial diagnosis actually came from a specialist over at UW, as I was there for a connective tissue disorder I also have. It is possible this disorder (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome type Hypermobility) could also be playing a role.

Again, thanks for the comments. It is so nice to know other people understand!

DianeJ · 04-12-2007, 01:18 AM

Pink - the doctors at the link I sent? They're the doctors who used to run the fertility department at UW! They all left and started their own practice. I was bummed; it happened right around the time I moved to WA and if they were still at UW, I would have been able to see them. But in their own practice, they didn't take my insurance and their prices were a little high for me. I'm glad you've seen more than one doctor. I worry when women only take the dx from one about important things. I don't know anything about your disorder though. I would think since it's a connective tissue problem that your options for IF treatment are limited? Can you take IF meds? I wish they had been able to give you more hope. Glad you got some exercise in; yes, that can definitely help. Just be good to yourself. And come for a chat when you need to, k? You're definitely not alone.

navywife - definitely small. lol My hubby does legal. He's only been on one westpac, and that was with the Stennis. All others have been med cruises. I think I can finally say that he's done with cruises though. When we leave here, it's going to be his last tour (woohoo!!), so he can pretty much decide where to go (called a twilight tour). I'm so ready for him to retire. lol And, yes, you are lucky you were dx so young! I'm so happy to see more and more are being dx so young and not have to go through the hell I did. Good for you for taking control of your health NOW instead of putting it off.

to you both.

Sew Crazy · 04-13-2007, 12:48 AM

Pretty in Pink,
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. It is so hard to hear your chances are slim. My husband and I went through infertility for a long time, and I can relate to the feelings you are expressing, including being given a slim chance. When we found out my DH has primary testicular failure and has absolutely no sperm, we tried to use a sperm donor, but decided to go the adoption route when 3 md's told us our chances were extremely slim for me to carry a healthy pregnancy, or even conceive and IVF was our only hope with slim odds.
Even though we have our homestudy done and we are "waiting" I still wonder if I could live child-free, or if we were just not meant to have children (due to the dual-factor), and all of the other feelings you have expressed in your post. For me the longing for a child continues to come, and I know it is something I want very much. I can say the adoption process is easier than infertility in a lot of ways, but still has its own set of struggles.
I am sorry you are watching everyone else have babies. It is hard. Especially when you are watching them have 2 or 3. The hardest thing for me right now ( I am extremely happy for them don't get me wrong) but my bil and his wife are pregnant, and they have the exact same conditions as us, but were lucky enough to get a couple of sperm and do IVF. I just wonder why they got to be so lucky, especially when they don't really seem to appreciate their pregnancy, and the child they will be having. Their whole journey through infertility was only 3 months including IVF, because we educated them about our situation, although not realizing the primary testicular failure was hereditary.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. Pm me if you would like.

aleutianrunner · 04-19-2007, 04:55 AM

There is a RE in Spokane, I can't remember his name but he came from one of the top Fertility centers in New York. If you want his name I can look it up for you. I moved away so I only used him once, but I believe he is a board cert. RE. Good Luck in your journey. (((Hugs to you))) Hope you feel better soon

DianeJ · 04-19-2007, 06:53 PM

SewCrazy - good luck with the adoption!! Great news about your friends, but it must be bittersweet for you.

How is everyone doing today??

ladyd · 05-12-2007, 02:35 AM

i just turn 35 on may 7, and feeling so blue because mother's day is coming i feel so depress when this comes around ,,,i have been trying to Tcc for 12 yrs and hardly went to the doctor only about 2 yrs no money no insurance until now its been hard i have a wonderful hubby who never throws anything in my face he just to good but i feel so sad for him i sometimes tell him to go with some one else ,,,i know it so dumb of me but i get so fusterated i see everyone having a wonderful life with thier kids and my life is in a halt i feel. i am the only one in my family and hubbys family who doesn't have any kids and it is so depressing i have stayed away from my family i don't go to any reunions becaude i feel so left out everyone talks about how thier kids are doing and i am just sitting there i cry myself to sleep sometimes my head tells me to just get the idea in my heart that i probably won't ever have any kids but can god just make my heart understand ,,,i get very worried my clock is ticking i am getting older i so stress out .,,,,i should be happy now that i got insurance but you know how it is they will only cover so much and i am at this point so stressed out i hope god gives me strenght to go on ,,,i wish the best i know how lonely and hard this journey can be ,we need to keep going so later in life we won;'t regret it ,,,,,,,,ladyd

jupiter · 05-12-2007, 11:44 AM

Hi ladies- I just wanted to let you all know that I understand what you are going through. I was told by three doctors that I would never be able to conceive. I have PCOS, Type 2 Diabetes, Endometriosis and enlarged ovaries. My left ovary is filled with cysts and is pretty much useless. I felt like a failure and and I also felt as if my life might as well end. Mother's Day was one of the hardest days for me to get through. I used to have long talks with God about how could He allow all these young teenage girls to get pregnant when they didn't even want a baby.
DH and I were married in 2004 and started TTC because of our age. I had an HSG done in October 2005 and found out I had a blocked right tube. The dye pushed it out which was extremely painful. I went on YAZ and an increase in Metfomin from October-December 2006. On January 10 I got a surprise BFP. Even my gynecologist-now my ob-was surprised. He thought the only way I might be able to conceive would be fertility treatments.
Sorry this is a bit long but it is my prayer that it will give some of you some hope. Something I had considered before was foster care. Where I live there is such a shortage of foster parents. If one of the children in your care goes up for adoption you would be first choice to adopt. I know it wouldn't be the same as having your own. I know two couples who have adopted and their adopted children have become as much their flesh and blood as if they were their biolgical children.
I wish all of you the best of luck in your TTC journey. It might help to check out the pregnant cysters thread. There are so many success stories on there.
Big hugs to you all,
Julie

Abercrombie_Lucy · 05-12-2007, 01:34 PM

Oh My Gosh, are you sure this isn't MY biography??? I completely know how you feel. We want a child sooo bad. I've been through like 4 doctors before I found one that actually LISTENED to what I had to say. He put me on Metformin and it has helped in tremendous ways. I used wake up with headaches every morning and after the met that just stopped. But I still haven't ovulated. But I've only been on it since March. He said that 6 months from the time I started Met (March) if I had not ovulated then he would put me on a "High Dosage" of Clomid. But I'd rather not wait....but I suppose I will have to...

I just feel like I'm 24 and I'm ready to be pregnant. But I can't seem to manage it. I just wish I didn't have the desire to have a baby. I feel like if I didn't want to get pregnant then it wouldn't hurt so bad when I keep failing all these Pregnancy tests. Of course My Husband says that's crazy. But that's the only way I have found to cope, although it's not working that well for me.

I too have had long long looong talks with God about this but I keep getting the impression that he wants me to be patient.