1st off, I'm sick of everyone asking "How are you doing?" With that pity in their vioce. I don't want my friends to pity me! And I certainly don't expect them to understand, I just want them to support me. Nothing me.
2nd off, DH wants to know why I'm not in the mood . . . Maybe b/c by the time he gets home from work I'm usually already in bed! I take care of Allen all day, and clean and pay bills . . . at 1am I'm sleeping! Not thinking about SEX!
He also keeps mentioning that he really wants to buy a house and he's super tired of renting. I am too, I really would love to buy a house, but we can't! He knows that, we can't get a loan and until we can, there isn't much reason for bringing it up all the time.
3rd, I just can't seem to loose weight and I'm driving myself batty! I pretty much live in pjs or jeans and sweatshirts b/c my body has NEVER looked this way before and I"m totally not confident at at all anymore!
And lastly . . . I just want my little baby back! I look at Allen and I think how amazing it would be if Grace could've been born. They could play and hrow up together and be close like I am with my sis and bro.
It's not fair that Allen will never know Grace and that we weren't even able to just see her for a few minutes!
Why couldn't I have atleast seen that little face? Told her how much I loved and kissed her goodbye?
I feel like I'm being punished but I don't know why! Did I do something? Am I not as good a parent as I thought I was, so God decided not to give me another?
I'm just ANGRY! At myself, at DH, at the world . . . at my body . . .
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Sorry your feeling like this and going through all that you are. I can relate somewhat. This last week has been about as emotional for me as the week that we actually lost our little angel (which was 2 months ago). Knowing that I'm going to have to wait another month made it that much worse, plus the fact that we should have found out around now what we were having. Then on top of all that the weekend that I really need DH home to hold me and comfort me he's away all weekend on drill duty (Navy). So yea, I'm going crazy too.
__________________ Adopted DD Maddy born 11/15/05 with us since 5/12/06 DS Christian born 10 wks early weighing 2 lbs 13 ozs 6/26/06 Angel baby 9/2005 @ 12 wks
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I feel crazy because of how my loss still effects me so long after the fact. And because I fear that something will happen to my other babies. I'm sorry you are going through this fresh and awful time... we have definitely all been there in our own ways. Brighter days are ahead, and I hope that some of these bothersome things resolve themselves soon! (((Hugs)))
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
I feel like I'm being punished but I don't know why! Did I do something? I'm just ANGRY! At myself, at the world . . . at my body . . .
I just wanted to chime in and say no you are not crazy, you are more normal than you think. I know the feelings you are writing about. Some of them are in reverse though. I wish people would still realize that I am still grieving my son, and not pretend like it is the greatest thing in the world to tell me about someone else's baby, or their pregnancy. I am mad also sweetie. At my body mostly, and at the doctor's and nurses for not taking my individual complaints into account instead they just generalized my pain and patted me on the head and let me go on to lose my son. I think it is ok to be angry, I hope it is anyway, because a lot of us are. One thing I have learned so far is that when I am angry it is ok, but I gotta let it out. I don't have to be polite when people talk around me about babies and pregnancy or anything related to that. I can kindly say, I don't want to hear that...or something like that. I can go home and scream and take my pillow and hit the bed, the walls...whatever I want. To me the anger stems not just from the obvious of the loss, but also from the feeling of no control. I had no control over losing my son, but at the time when it could have been controlled, noone paid attention to me. The anger is still there for quite a few of us, so like I said before, no you are not crazy, and neither are we. It is completely normal and justified. Do you think you can talk to DH? Some men have a tendency to be irrational, mine is from time to time, so maybe he doesn't realize how much he is irritating you. Anyway you can let it out, don't keep it bottled up, or you could blow. We are always here to listen with understanding ears (or would that be understanding eyes for reading? )
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I just wanted to chime in and say no you are not crazy, you are more normal than you think. ... I wish people would still realize that I am still grieving my son, and not pretend like it is the greatest thing in the world to tell me about someone else's baby, or their pregnancy. I am mad also sweetie. At my body mostly, and at the doctor's and nurses for not taking my individual complaints into account instead they just generalized my pain and patted me on the head and let me go on to lose my son. ... I don't have to be polite when people talk around me about babies and pregnancy or anything related to that. I can kindly say, I don't want to hear that...or something like that. ... To me the anger stems not just from the obvious of the loss, but also from the feeling of no control. I had no control over losing my son, but at the time when it could have been controlled, noone paid attention to me. ... We are always here to listen with understanding ears (or would that be understanding eyes for reading? )
I totally agree with what Shandris said here. I'm feeling all those feelings. All of what you are feeling is normal. We are all here for you.
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
Check my album for current pictures
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
Crazy . . anyone? 
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