Crying...

storm172666 · 07-23-2003, 11:29 AM

I am crying as I write this. I feel so lost and miserable.All I think about is dying, having cancer and dying.Im so scared and it breaks my heart to think of my loved ones watching me die sometimes I think if I were to find out I have a disease I would just leave so I could die alone.My mother tried to reach out to me this morning,she asked me if anything was wrong because she sees me closed within myself not going out not talking and I told her nothing was wrong.As she walked away she said ok i'll believe you but i wanted so bad to scream out to her dont believe me i'm lying! It seems every week I become obsessed with some new type of cancer, I'm running through them all, last week it was stomach cancer, this week its liver and skin cancer. I ask God what He is doing to me and then I realize its me doing this to myself, its me letting my mind come up with these ideas. I dont know what to do. Im tired of crying, of looking around and feeling like I should start saying goodbye to things, of thinking I'm not going to be around much longer.All i think about is whats the point of doing anything if im going to die and I just wish no one loved me at all, isnt that weird? I really wish no one loved me because then I wouldnt have to worry about people hurting because of me.I cant stop crying

hopeful408 · 07-23-2003, 12:38 PM

Hi Storm
i wish i could give you a BIG HUG right now! i'm so sorry you feel this way. those depressing thoughts are not good. your pain comes from something that you have holding in your chest, girl, take it all out! talking (in this case typing) will help you some. you are not alone, i support you and i sincerely hope that we can help you out. let me know what is going so that i can advise you. no matter what, your life is valuable and you deserve to live it to the fullest. love.....Claudia

prunepie · 07-24-2003, 02:50 AM

i hun. i am sorry you are so scared...can i ask a question? the fears of every type of cancer seem to be a bit of an obsession..and i am wondering if you ever obsess about any other problems like cancer or if this is something new? some people have ocd..obsessive compulvise disorder..... and i am wondering if you have talked to someone bc its soooo scary to have all these thoughts........ big hugs xoxo jenn

FairyTaleDreamer · 07-24-2003, 08:54 PM

I am going with prune on this....I am NO PRO at this...but it DOES sound like OCD to me...My mother has it(she also has alittle of EVERYTHING) but please honey, so a professional about it. It'll feel better to have someone listen and then help you get better, either through meds, therapy...or a combo or both. Life is too short to have to feel this way. And I think PCOS just makes a person EVEN more aware of their mental illnesses. But don't worry...."this too shall pass"

storm172666 · 07-25-2003, 11:19 AM

It is sort of a complusive thought i have about cancer. a while back i also added HIV to the thoughts but they have since tapered off but the cancer remains there. this all started back in december when i had a spotty period and read it could be from cancer and freaked. ever since then all i thought about was that i have cervical, uterine, ovarian or endometrial cancer. and now every pain i get i think its some other type of cancer or one of the reproductive cancers spreading. i realize that according to my mind i have every cancer all at once and i know its crazy but i cant stop myself from thinking about it. im obsessed with dying, its what i think about all day, evrything i'll never have, how my family will miss me, how they will watch me die, i even picture my bedroom empty and my parents just keeping it shut, i picture my sister missing me. its just horrible that for the past 6 months its all ive thought about. ive stopped going out, stopped talking to friends, just locked myself up kind of just waiting to die, when i dont even know if i'm sick in the first place. im scared to go to a doctor, scared of what ill find out, but some moments for just a few minutes i think how stupid i would feel if i found out i'm fine and ive spent the last 6 months wasting time on this.

prunepie · 07-25-2003, 06:15 PM

listen...i have been where you are..i have had so many hiv tests in my life..even though i havent been around the block 100 times... my parents died when i was y oung and i constantly thought any time i felt bad i was going to have a heart attack...

i think having health problems excacerbates any obsessive thoughts you have.. BUT only a doc can realllllly tell if its normal worry or truly OCD problems..

i will tell you this.. with out reaching out to a good.. and i stress a good competant doc..that your pcosish problems and the obsessions will not stop... you know this is no way to live..

I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE AND SOMETIMES I STILL AM ... but you must believe in yourself to help yourself...

PLEASE GO SEE A DOC... YOU DESERVE IT XOXOX JENN

dandelion · 07-26-2003, 08:48 AM

((((storm))))
Sometimes when I'm wracked with anxiety and crying spells I have the most irrational thoughts. I truly believe that these thoughts are my brain trying to come up with a reason for why I'm so anxious. To rationalise my physical anxiety I suppose. It's probably not the same thing I know, I get terrible panic attacks and anxiety and I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles.
Your mum probably does know something is wrong. I know it's hard but maybe you should try again to tell her. She's probably just waiting and hoping you'll tell her so she can be your mum and do the mum stuff.
Lots of hugs
Dandelion

Lendi · 07-27-2003, 11:32 AM

Aw, Storm. I'm so sorry. I can feel your pain, just from your post. You are hurting so much! I'm proud of you for reaching out. That is the first step. Now, the next step is to get some professional help. Make sure your body is healthy, allow your mom and your Dr. to know your feelings. There is help for you, there really is. But, you have to reach out for it. I agree it does sound like OCD, but only a professional can verify that. But, you can control it, rather than allowing it to control you. Please, seek help. Please let your mom into your world. She knows you are hurting, but she can't help if you don't allow her too. Let us know how you're doing. We care, too. Hugs, Lendi

Ms_Peaches_01 · 07-27-2003, 08:22 PM

Hi Storm..

I'm inclined to agree with prunepie and Fairytale. It definitely sounds like OCD. I have a cousin who's OCD and I understand that the best treatment for it is Zoloft. I've never taken Zoloft but it does do WONDERS for people who have OCD. The side effects last for about 2 weeks but once they're over you feel much better. I suffer from clinical depression and anti-depressants have really helped me. I don't want you to feel like I'm push.. push.. pushing anti-depressants on you, but you may want to take it into consideration.

I hope you feel better...

Akashamoon · 08-01-2003, 06:01 PM

Hi Storm..I too have the same fears about Cancer...I was adopted as a baby and when I found my mother in my 20's and found out that breast cancer,colon cancer and lymphoma were rampant on my moms side in the women,i freaked..and than I got cervical cancer when my son was just a year old!!That didn't help!!The very starnge thing is that befor I went to the GYN,I would be doing normal things like shaving my legs in the bathtub or doin the dishes and all the sudden I would hear"Cancer"LOUD!!And sometimes I would hear"you have Cancer"!!!I tryed to ignore this but I knew not to, and went to get checked and sure enough,I had it!!It is gone now..I had cryosurgery and it wasnt bad enough to need chemo or anything...but i still obsess about cancer and like you,I think,skin,liver,colon,breast,ect..all the time and anytime I get a pain..my husband just laughs and shakes his head now and smiles..he thinks I am nuts about my cancer fears..even though he knows whne I "heard"that stuff yaers ago,I told him I was hearing it and then found it to be true!!!i don't think that is crazy,just psychic..I believe in that kind of stuff because it's happened to me my whole life..anyway,I feel for you..I do....Do try and get checked out and get some help,o.k?...let me know how you are doing..I'm thinking of you..Akasha

Miss Maren · 08-05-2003, 06:17 PM

You poor thing. I have tears in my eyes while reading this because I just came off a very deep depression spell. I was a wreck and could not get thoughts of suicide out of my head, although I knew I wouldn't go through with those thoughts. I am still "down", but am doing better. I am taking my meds (my anti-depressant has been increased), I am forcing myself to eat regularly, whether I like it or not, and I am forcing myself to stay on a good sleep schedule. I am also forcing myself to get out of the house, even if it is to go for a short walk outside. It's hard, but it HAS helped.

From what the other ladies have said, it does SOUND like some sort OCD going on, but I'm no professional. I hope that you do visit a Psychiatrist or therapist and see if they can help you (which I am sure they can).

Please take care of yourself right now. I'm glad that you could come to this board and talk to us.

**massive hugs**

08-11-2003, 02:02 AM

(((((Hugs)))))

I am sorry to hear that you have been obsessing about Cancer and Death. I don't know much about OCD or what it does to a person, but I do have severe BiPolar adn Cancer does run on both sides of my family. I have thought about that and dying many times as well.

I do pray and keep positive thoughts for you and hope that you will be able to get some professional help, to help you first and foremost.

(((((BIGHUGS))))))

Take Care Hun ... I am always here if you ever need to talk.

~*~ Corrie-Ann ~*~