I don't know where to turn.. the past couple of days I've been crying whenever I'm alone almost constantly.. it's like I've lost all control.. I've felt depressed for a while now, but it just seems like right now everything's going wrong.. I'm failing out of uni.. I feel like I've sabotaged my own life.. I don't want to be worthless anymore.. I want my life back.. I have my finals on the 18th and then I leave uni and go back home for the summer. My parents are here visiting this week, they were meant to go home yesterday but extended their stay at the last minute.. I got involved with a guy who I have come to care very deeply about, but who warned me from the start that he didn't think he wanted to get attached to anyone at the moment, and didn't want to hurt me by making me think otherwise.. Of course I didn't find that out till the morning after I slept with him the first time.. but.. he warned me not to get attached and yet treated me so well.. and I guess I couldn't help it.. it was a purely sexual relationship while we were together (we both work late, and live about an hour apart) , and yet when we'd talk online or text each other we would talk about anything and everything for hours on end. How could I not love him? He's the first person to treat me that way in years.. I can't lose him.. We only have 2 weekends left when we can see each other and one of those has been ruined by my parents deciding to stay.. and the past week he's been avoiding me.. I know he has.. I don't know what I've done, I finally thought hell with this and wrote an email to him yesterday saying that I know he doesn't feel the same way but yes I do love him and I don't expect it to change anything.. I know we're both leaving the country.. I *know* it can't go anywhere.. I guess it just really threw me that I want it to continue whereas I think even if we could be together, he wouldn't want to.. I always assumed that if guys got to know me on the inside, instead of just seeing what PCOS has done to my outside, that they'd actually like me.. and this.. it's just made me realize that I have absolutely nothing to offer.. I have no qualifications, I work for my dad, I'm failing out of med school (one more exam to go and it's official..) and my personality is obviously repulsive.. I hate myself, so how can I expect anyone else to like me? After my last relationship ended, I got used to being alone.. now I remember what it's like to be in a relationship, to be able to tell someone anything.. and I like it.. I can't go back to that complete emptiness that was my life.. and I've started getting flashbacks again.. something that hasn't happened to me since I was 16.. I thought the memories of rape were done and buried.. but they've started coming to me in my dreams again.. and I hear his laugh every time I think of what's becoming of my life.. I've even started getting the numb feeling back.. I have it right now.. like I want to feel physical pain just so I feel something.. I just want to sit and cry and cry and cry.. and I can't, because my parents could walk in at any time.. I can't even cry..
Alison: I FEEL so bad for you! Life is rough at this time for you! Im so sorry. I can hear the frustration in you post! I wish there was something i could do other than say that im sorry and offer the support of the borad and a PM if you would like! Please know that you are worth something!..and your personality is NOT repulsive. You have had relationships and friendships and you parents who came to visit... there are people around you who know you 'on the inside' they know you for you and im sure they like that woman!
I wish you the best of luck! If you ever want to talk please feel free to PM me if you would like.
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
__________________ ___________________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ,Jackie
"Stick to a task,
'Til it sticks to you.
Beginners are many,
Finishers are few."
(((((HUGS))))) over the miles. I am sorry that you are feeling so down and I wish that I could say something to make it all better for you. . . I would say the same to myself for sure. Please hang in there. Know we are all rooting for you and that I can tell you are not a repulsive person. YOU ARE NOT!! YOU ARE NOT!!! You are so worth all the love in the world, including and above all your own love. Please don't forget that when the pain is too much.
Take care.
Lisa
Not ttc. DH has had a vasectomy. We have 2 gorgeous boys, 2 and 4. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Hi Alison
I know exactly how you feel and I am sending you lots of ((((((HUGS)))))). It really is good to just let yourself cry, I used to feel like I couldn't cry either because someone may walk in but even if you have to just go in the bathroom and lock the door and let it all out...thats what I do. You will feel so much better.
__________________ JennJenn To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
With the love of my life...Michael To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. (36) Me(31)
Currently taking control of my weight..cutting out CARBS!!
"Everyone is beautiful in the eyes of GOD" To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Thanks everyone.. I'm still not up to much, but I have cried myself out.. My parents left.. it may sound good that I have parents who visit, but well, it wasn't me they were visiting. It was my older brother and his girlfriend. Noone in the world makes me feel as inferior as my mum and dad do.. the insensitivity is unbelievable. I spent an entire week where my only contact with anyone has either been with strangers at the graduation or my parents, who every day they spend here make me feel a little bit more worthless. I can't take being ignored by my family, and I can't take it when they don't ignore me. There's no in-between, I can't pretend they don't exist when they're here. I can't pretend that I didn't appear from my room the other day after studying to find them all round the dinner table, eating, but only 3 places set and nothing at all for me. I don't know whether it's out of spite, or malice or they just don't care enough to even remember that I exist. My Mum asked when I was going home to Cyprus, when I answered the 18th, she actually said good, you'll be home for your 20th birthday. My birthday was in April, it's July now.. She genuinely didn't know she was wrong.. Or the new "in" joke that it would take a blind man to go out with me.. You tell me what I'm supposed to make of it. Am I really that impossible to care about? Or do I just expect too much? I know I bruise easily but I had to go to a graduation dressed "like a girl" (another new joke.. ) with black and blue finger marks around my wrist from Dad pushing me away when I went to the door to welcome him on Sunday.. I don't deserve that..
And I think the reason I feel better is that I realise I don't deserve it.. My bf/partner/friend/whatever doesn't care about me, and that's because I don't deserve it. I can accept that. I *know* I'm not a good catch.. I *know* I'll not find a guy to like me.. Because I'll always be the "good friend" and nothing more.. and I've had that my entire life. Maybe I'm tired of being the good girl? It was amazing to have a guy actually attracted to me.. I never get that.. I'm not attractive, and certainly no other guy has ever wanted to please me. We may not be suited in any other way, but physically, he was the right man for me. I'm not stuck in any form of relationship/fling, and if someone came along who could offer me what he did and more, then I'd take it. But frankly, there's noone offering and I'm sick of being alone. I'm not going in to a year and a half long celibacy again.. and if that means I have to deal with heartache along the way.. then OK. To me, anything really is better than being alone.. I just have to work on accepting that noone cares. And until I do, I'll enjoy the company of a guy who is best for me right now. I know I'm going to lose him at the weekend, so I'll leave the tears till then. Am I making sense? Because I really feel like I'm not.. Maybe I'm not cried out..
I am sorry Alison, to be so blunt and I hope it does not offend. . . but your parents sound like the 'worthless' ones who don't deserve a thing including your time and effort, tears and caring!! I am sick that they would treat their own dear blessing that way. (Give me their addy, I will set them straight!!) That is what you are. . . A BLESSING! They don't DESERVE you and you are right you don't deserve them. . . YOU DESERVE A FAMILY THAT TREATS YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE. . . A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!!
I am sending so many mental hugs your way.
Please take care of yourself.
Not ttc. DH has had a vasectomy. We have 2 gorgeous boys, 2 and 4. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I have to agree with angelbean, it seems that your parents are the ones that aren't deserving. They have this wonderful daughter and they don't appreciate you. You just keep your head up and everything will turn out wonderful for you. I know its hard to think that way but I have been there and for people like that "What goes around, comes around".
LOTS OF ((((((HUGS))))))
__________________ JennJenn To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
With the love of my life...Michael To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. (36) Me(31)
Currently taking control of my weight..cutting out CARBS!!
"Everyone is beautiful in the eyes of GOD" To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
It seems I can never be alone to cry either. And if my husband were to catch me crying, there would be no way to explain the complexities of my problems/concerns/wants to him. I usually cry in the shower or in the car. I feel like no one truely cares about me and others see my problems as petty or worthless. My parents never took care of me (emotionally or financially) either. I have no friends other than at work and they are not my friends away from work. It seems like no one has ever cared about how I feel , only about what I do...the dishes, the laundry, earning an income, paying the bills.etc.
Alison -
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have to tell you that when I opened this thread, before I read the post, I looked over and saw your picture and said to myself, "she is very pretty" - I really did!! I feel so bad that you are having such negative feelings about yourself and I absolutely HATE that your family is being so horrible. I can't stand when families make these little comments that they think are "jokes" but are really just hurtful insults. Have you ever told them to please STOP saying those things because they are not funny and you don't like being put down? You deserve so much more, that's right YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE. You mentioned that you were raped and are having some trouble with thoughts of it coming back in your life. Is there someone (preferably a counselor) that you could talk to about all this? I'm wondering if maybe that horrible event in your life is kind of taking over how you are feeling about yourself. The reason the man you are currently with is not interested in a relationship is because he is just not interested in anything serious with anyone. It doesn't have anything to do with you or your personality or who you are...he said from the start he didn't want anything serious and I believe he meant it, but I think he did you a great wrong by not telling you that until after you had slept together. He really should have said that from the beginning in order to be fair to you and give you the choice of whether or not you wanted to continue seeing him. You DO deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who feels the same way about you. You just have not met that person yet, and to be honest, I don't know many people who are 20 who have. You are very young and have so many wonderful years ahead of you with that special someone. But, please, the first thing you need is to LOVE YOURSELF!!! I know that there are wonderful things about you and you need to focus on those things and like yourself before you try to find someone else because if you don't first love yourself, then you will "settle" for less in your relationships. I will tell you something about me and you can laugh and laugh...I did not even kiss anyone until I was in College!! That's right...not until College. And even then, I never even really had a real "boyfriend" in College. So many women (I'd say most) just do not find "Mr. Right" in school. Really, it is "ok" to be alone...sometimes it is wonderful!!! Please hang in there and don't let the ending of your friendship with the guy from school ruin how you see life and don't assume that everyone will be like him. Take care of yourself!
Lisa
__________________ Lisa - age 39, gallbladder surgery 5/03; lap for Endometriosis 7/03; Hysterectomy 9/03 (uterus only); Celiac 4/04; PCOS; horrible return of the Endometriosis beast in 01/06
Someone once told me that every woman is a princess and deserves the man of her dreams. And it's TRUE. It will take some tears and hard times, but he's out there. Keep telling yourself this. You can change yourself but you can't make anyone else change. And you SHOULD NOT have to. If he can be that insensitive he shouldn't have been dating ANYONE. Tell him to get lost! (I know that's easier said than done).
Thanks for the posts. I really appreciate it. I'm feeling slightly better now, particularly now I know what's been causing my mood swings. I had a fantastic day with him today.. and despite it being our last day together, I have no regrets. He makes me feel like I'm a princess when we're together, noone's ever made me feel like that before. I think now it was wrong to say he doesn't care about me, and mostly I think he's trying to spare both our feelings. He was the perfect gentleman today, and I saw exactly what it was I fell for in him.. It was nice to just spend the day in the park, or wandering round.. talking, cuddling.. technically it's only the 3rd time we've had a proper date without just ending up in bed.. I've truly been a horrible person to be around the past couple of weeks.. The fact he's still around just shows me that he's not as shallow as I thought. Now I know I can get through this and rely on his support. Whether as a friend, a lover, boyfriend, I don't care. I just know I want him in my life no matter what and that he's willing to be there for me.
I do really feel better but I'm still having nightmares, and I still can't sleep properly. I did have counselling when I was 15-16 and it helped immensely. Unfortunately where I am right now that sort of help just isn't available and I can't afford it anyway. I know my hormones are all over the place and that's probably playing a huge part in this. I just wish I didn't hear his laugh all the time. I spent a long time believing the things my rapist told me. And even though I know they're joking, when I hear my family say similar things, it hurts. I've tried talking to them about the way I feel, but I can't seem to get through to them that what they find so amusing is actually really hurting me..
awww I can so relate to what you are feeling and it sucks! I have been so depressed lately. If I get busy and am working or whatever I'm not to bad but even then I have it sort of in the background. I have trouble sleeping and then when I get to sleep I can't get up. I feel like I"m getting old and gross. I have gained some weight and I feel like why would anyone want me? I know that you need to love yourself, but how do I do that? I have a guy I totally have a crush on and I hate it. So I haven't even gone out with him and I feel like why would he want me? So basically I'm just saying I can relate to everything you are going through. I wish I had an answer. Of course therapy would help us all but it's expensive as hell.
__________________ not TTC
I was meant to be a mommy to dogs.
Crying.. rant 
