Cysters with step children only

NYC Sapphire · 12-29-2005, 03:02 AM

How many Cysters only have step children.

I have a step daughter and sometimes it makes me feel worse am I the only one?

Blakesmomma · 12-29-2005, 04:32 AM

I don't know if I should respond to this or not (haven't had any losses).

When I got married DH had two step-daughters. It seemed fine when we were dating and first got married until we started ttcing. My love turned close to hate for them.

My DH had a vasectomy during his first marriage so we had that reversed with no luck. His sperm count was very low after it and after several months of meds they put him on. After all that I went through 1 1/2 years of infertility treatments and finally had DS in 2001 after getting married in 1996.

I definitely had problems with the step-daughters and ex. The ex would call and have the step-daughters talk to their new sisters (ex got re-married). I would just freak! The new ones were just babies and I couldn't handle it at all. It seemed like ex was just rubbing it in.

I understand your feelings,
Tori

SheriKCMO · 12-29-2005, 05:02 AM

I can understand how resentment can creep in to this situation, but I've not experienced it myself. I hope it is a brief part of the grieving process for you. (((Hugs)))

briggy · 12-29-2005, 01:00 PM

Hi

I came across this topic by accident as i don't usually come on the coping with loss board.

I have two step daughters, one lives with her mum and one with her dad and me.

I find it difficult because I feel my husband can't possibly understand the pain that i do of possibly never being a mum, because he go to be a dad without any effort (both his daughters were unplanned)

I also feel resentment towards his ex wife because she didn't particularly want kids, she got pregnant thinking it would keep her relationship with DH together. And i find it difficult that she just let her daughter come live with us and doesn't even bother calling to see how she is, Sandra can go for months without hearing from her.

I suppose i'm a bit sensitive about it but i really can't understand how someone can let their 10yr old daughter go live with another woman (who she won't even speak to) and not care enough to even call and see how they are. When Sandra was going though a particularly difficult time I wanted to discuss it with her mum so we could get it sorted and her reply was "i don't want to be in the same room with you"

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant, the short answer is, yes i do think it makes it feel worse

NYC Sapphire · 12-29-2005, 03:23 PM

I am so glad I posted this question and even more happy I got responses. I have a love for my step daughter but it is so hard. And no DH does not realize how hard it is to not be a mother or even have the thought that it might never happen. My DH is older than I am so he is to the point where if I don't have a baby he is fine with it. I am not. He also does not want to adopt. I have a God daughter that has a mother that would just hand her over with no problems and my husband would adopt her or any other family member but he is not for forster care and adoption of other children. I am OK with that because I do want the experience of being a mother to m own baby.

When I was younger I always said I would not date men with children because I heard about the "Baby Mother Drama" I did not want to deal with but I fell in love with my husband. For a period his daughter lived with us till we moved away. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3 and his daughter who is 15 is still not used to us being together and we had to have a talk all four of us this summer to try and straighten things out (her mother, DH, DSD, and myself) and it came out that she was treating me bad because she thought if she did it long enough I would go away. I was dealing with that along with not being about to have my own baby because we tried for 2.5 years before I was pregnant. She was not happy about the baby, but she did help us name him Jalen after he died because we wanted her to still feel like she was apart of things.

I have no ill feelings or resentment it just makes me so so sad. DH loves me but his fight is not as strong and his longing is not as deep because 1 he is older and 2 he already has a daughter. (This are my words and my opinion) He has said I am OK if we don't have a baby. And he has also said I want only one more child a son, and if he ets a daughter he is still finished.

Does anyone else's DH feel the same way that already has children?

<Oomis> · 12-29-2005, 05:04 PM

I have not suffered a loss so I hope it is ok for me to post. I have three step children, 2 DSD and 1 DSS. I have been a part of their lives for almost 9 years, we have been married for 8. I am lucky in the fact that they are so sweet and really love and respect me. We all have a great relationship. My DH had a vasectomy and we had it reversed almost 3 years ago. The reversal seemed to work and he had a normal count. While going through a study this year we found out the reversal caused sperm antibodies so now we have male and female factors. We have been trying for a while and it has been really hard. My DH is so supportive and I think he wants a baby as bad as me. He gets as upset as me when AF shows up. He wants me to be a Mommy really bad but I am starting to think that will never happen. I have had to watch his ex wife have two more kids and that part is what drives me nuts. I really cannot stand her but I tolerate her because of the kids. It use to be really rocky between us but we always put on a good show for the kids sake. There are times I hate to admit that I kind of resent the fact my DH could have kids so easy with her but we struggle so hard to have just ONE! I have come to terms with the fact that those three kids may be the closest thing I will ever have to having children. I am thankful that we do have them because when they are around they add even more laughter to our home and it makes my heart not feel so empty. I will admit that at times I struggle because I wish his ex would not have been so fertile, because of that DH had the vasectomy because she kept getting pg all the time (and still does). Thanks for listening...it is good to hear from cysters that have only step children. I know I am not alone.

Danni_Baby · 12-29-2005, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by briggy

Hi

I came across this topic by accident as i don't usually come on the coping with loss board.

I have two step daughters, one lives with her mum and one with her dad and me.

I find it difficult because I feel my husband can't possibly understand the pain that i do of possibly never being a mum, because he go to be a dad without any effort (both his daughters were unplanned)

I also feel resentment towards his ex wife because she didn't particularly want kids, she got pregnant thinking it would keep her relationship with DH together. And i find it difficult that she just let her daughter come live with us and doesn't even bother calling to see how she is, Sandra can go for months without hearing from her.

I suppose i'm a bit sensitive about it but i really can't understand how someone can let their 10yr old daughter go live with another woman (who she won't even speak to) and not care enough to even call and see how they are. When Sandra was going though a particularly difficult time I wanted to discuss it with her mum so we could get it sorted and her reply was "i don't want to be in the same room with you"

Oh Briggy, I know exactly what you are going thru....I also have not suffered a lost, but a friend of mine who started this thread has, and I wanted to respond to this topic, and after I read your post, I felt you were speaking thru me. I am married with 2 step-children by DH of course, and the son (10yo) lives with us and drives me insane,adn the BN doesn't even have anything to do with him per se. It makes me sick to my stomach, that she would allow another woman to basically raise her 10yo son, w/o even wanted to meet me, or sit down and have converstion with me or anything. Now his BM is having another child by another guy (Baby-father #3) and we are due approx the same time. I am just so saddened, by the fact that I have to split myself in to for someone else child as well as my own, when it comes. I didn't choose this at all. Sorry for the rant.

Thank you Patrice for this thread.

nikkisix · 12-29-2005, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pcosttc

When I was younger I always said I would not date men with children because I heard about the "Baby Mother Drama" I did not want to deal with but I fell in love with my husband.

I have no ill feelings or resentment it just makes me so so sad. DH loves me but his fight is not as strong and his longing is not as deep because 1 he is older and 2 he already has a daughter. (This are my words and my opinion) He has said I am OK if we don't have a baby. And he has also said I want only one more child a son, and if he ets a daughter he is still finished.

Does anyone else's DH feel the same way that already has children?

I could have written this post pretty much word for word, except my DH would want a little girl and already has a son.
My Dh has already said that he only wants to have one more child, and has told me basically that if we weren't together he wouldn't have any more children period. I think sad is almost an understatement to the way I feel, I feel like I have been fooled - here I am raising someone else's child for the last 3.5 years (and I'm good enough for that), but when it comes to me, I don't deserve to have it myself.

I have really seen the true colours of my DH through this whole ordeal, and I honestly don't feel the same for my husband. I don't want to BD with him, I don't care if he's home or not or if he tells me he loves me or touches me at all. I just don't care. Is this normal?

I feel for all the step parent cysters, because I know that even though having a child in your house brings you love and joy it's a double edge sword, because it also brings sadness and resentment. I have been a step parent to my DSS since he was 18 months - and it's been very trying.

Blakesmomma · 12-29-2005, 07:29 PM

pcosttc - I know what you mean about being treated badly by step-children. My DSD's were awful and still are at times. They would come to our house and think they were at the Ritz - not picking up wet towels (leaving them on beds!), not helping with any meals (Nothing!) and even making DH carry their suitcases in. I mean really I had enough and would yell at them when DH let me that is! He usually won't let me say a word to them. I just have to take it. I wouldn't care if these girls were 3 or 4 but they were 10 and 11 when we got married.

Amy I know how you feel. DH's ex has been married 3 times now and had one child with first marriage (even though DH was there when she was born), one with DH and now two with current interested. I hope and pray you have the enjoyment I had. When I had DS he was in neonatal for 16 days. One day when we got home we had a phone message that ex had called. She said she was a little jealous is why she hadn't called to congratulate us.... well duh! Why would she call to congratulate us? She's nuts! Anyway she says "congratulations Tori" like my husband didn't have anything to do with it. I loved it though!!! I finally felt some peace but DSD's still are awful to me. Last Christmas I got a child's size angel soap and sample size lotion from Avon from the one... geez must have cost her $2. I wouldn't have cared but she bought her Aunt a nice two person plate setting for her.

Nikkisix - I kind of felt the same way about DH when we were ttcing. I felt like he already had kids so he didn't want to try as hard. He would say things to the effect 'why put yourself through this?' Because I want to be a Mommy that's why! He never really said anything but I'm sure he would have been just fine if we didn't have any kids. I think he has definitely changed his mind since he gets to see DS every day and be with him every day.

Sorry I could go on and on...

I pray for all of us Step-children cyster,
Tori

<Oomis> · 12-29-2005, 07:44 PM

Thank you Tori for saying that. I hope to be able to experience "real" motherhood someday. I am lucky in the fact that my Dh always sides with me and allows me to discipline them as I see fit. I have NEVER spanked any of them even though their mother gave me permission to. I just don't feel comfortable doing that and quite honestly they have never done anything to justify me spanking them. I do get irritated at the fact they do not pick up after themselves real well. Their step dad is well off so they have a maid that cleans their house. I don't know if their sloppiness comes from that or not because they have always been that way. My DH makes them clean up their mess before they go home which is nice because I tell them over and over that I am not their stinking maid and I don't get paid to pick up after them.

My resentment is more at their mother then at the kids. It is like she wants the child support money and insurance paid but she does not give my DH enough credit as a father. For that I honestly despise her deep down. My DH is such an awesome Dad and I cannot tell you how many times she has called us complaining about them not being respectful to her and wants Dh to discipline them. He finally told her...these kids NEVER disrespect us or talk down to us so since I was not there to witness it I am not going to handle it. He also told her he thought it was funny that she always called wanting him to discipline them but never calls to tell us when band concerts are etc. There are times the youngest starts acting like her Mom and it makes me want to thump her at times. I am afraid that out of the three, she is going to be like her. The other two are just like my DH as far as personalities go. I don't mean to ramble on and on but it is so nice to be able to chat with people in the same situation. I do not have any friends with step children so I don't have anyone to really talk to about being a step parent.

NYC Sapphire · 12-29-2005, 08:52 PM

I agree this feels great to be abe to talk about this here.

My step daughter has a very smart mouth. At times she does not clean up after her self also. She can be disrepectful at times and it just annoys me so much. I agree with you on the child support thing. Her mother is happy now that she has taken him to court and it is coming directly to her. Even with that and the fact everytime DD calls for money or anything he gives it to her she still complains. We don't live close so she used to meet half way now she dosn't want to even do that unless she is coming to the city herself, otherwise her car is broken or she has no money (lies).

As far as being mistreated SD has told me she was being mean so that I would leave and her mother and father can one day get back together. And she got used to doing it. I nipped that in the bud telling her if she can't respect me she can't come back over. (Yes! it got that bad).

Does anyone else think that age is the factor in Dh having the same enthusiasm regarding ttc as I do. I always thought it was because he was older than I was and he has a 15 year old. But maybe just having one child makes them not want to struggle as hard.

Blakesmomma · 12-30-2005, 03:19 AM

Ex's can be a handful. DH's ex use to meet him/us half way (we live south of the Quad Cities - Iowa/Illinois and they live in Chicago) until she decided to pop out two more kids. Then it was "the babies are too small, the babies are too big..." whatever she could think up. We finally got them talked into riding the train when they got older and we pay for that.

We have been lucky. Since we got married we haven't had any crappy phone calls. DH had one when he took the girls with a church youth group to a nearby homeless shelter/women's shelter. Ex's new hubby called and more or less yelled at DH because he took them there. Ex had to live in one for awhile with her Mother and she didn't want her girls to see that. Now come on - wouldn't it be better to have them understand?

I talked to my SIL once about the girls and she said they had told her that they give me a bad time... Real nice - even admit it!

I wouldn't doubt it none if SD isn't trying to get DH and her Mommy back together... tough luck! She has told me and my SIL that EX just isn't happy with her new hubby. Tough luck. She's not getting DH back.

Tori