DD's teacher miscarried for the 2nd time, what to do...

bluebug · 08-29-2006, 10:49 PM

How do I show support without being too intrusive? What can I say or do that will not make her feel worse? I felt we were becoming friends so I want to help her, but how?

She was 18 weeks. Should I ask if she and dh had a name picked out? Her family is in Texas and his is south of town about 2 hours. She has lots of friends to support her I just feel for her and wish I could help her. I want to cry right now.

Any advice?

HopefulCyster · 08-29-2006, 11:49 PM

I would just be there for her and let HER give out the details when she is ready. Let her know that you are there for her, and anything she needs, just let her know.

When she is ready to talk about all of those things, she will... but I really think that asking her right now would be a hard thing for her. Please remember that she won't want to hear "there is always next time" or "something was wrong with it" .... those things are SO cruel.

You sound like you are a good friend, just be there and supportive. She will let you know when she is ready for sharing. Good luck

*~SugarPlums~* · 08-30-2006, 12:01 AM

Unless you are good friends out of the classroom, I would just let things be. If she wants to ffer you the 'details' then be there to listen and offer condolences. I found (my personal experience) that when people I hardly knew or were just aquaintances inquired about my loss, that is was mostly out of curiosity and just being nosey. I am not saying that's what/how you feel, I am just saying that is how I percieved them to be and it really bothered me and on occaision made me feel worse. I never said anything to them. I have had 4 losses , 3 of them early and 1 twin pregnancy lost at 18 weeks. All losses are very difficult but the hardest one for me was the on at 18 weeks. Maybe I take things a little harder, I am not sure. When someone tells me 'I am so sorry thiis happened to you and don't worry it will happen again, blah blah, and it is someone I don't really know I want to yeall at them.

Now if you are closer to her then you can be there for her a little more. And I would definately not ask her about the name unless she tells it to you. hth! And good luck.

polly-pcos · 08-30-2006, 12:14 AM

As a teacher who has lost babies, I would advise not to say anything other than show you are pleased to see her, and encourage others to do the same. Plus, try to stop any parents going in with unecessary troubles or complaints as I expect her patients will have been pushed to its limits. Obviously everyone is different but I used work as an escape, and I was able to forget the M/cs while doing my job.

bluebug · 08-30-2006, 03:48 AM

Thank you all for your answers. I will just let it be and wont bring it up. If she wants to talk I will listen. Thanks again.

VivC · 09-03-2006, 12:53 PM

Blue, I'm on the opposite side of this. I think a card would be appropriate. I wouldn't make a call or visit, but it can't hurt her to know that another person cares, KWIM?

Viv

SheriKCMO · 09-04-2006, 05:07 AM

I agree with Viv on a sweet and extremely brief card. Often if people "can't think of what to say" they say too much and end up saying things that come across badly. "Thinking of you in this sad time" or "Your little one is missed" are possible statements, but you know her better than I do. It's just nice to feel loved and surrounded by kindness. There's nothing anyone can really do, so just offer a kind word or two, and she'll come to you if she needs to reach out.

Was her first loss also in the second trimester? I'm so worried about IC that I can't help but ask.

Thanks for being a friend.

LaurAnnHere · 09-04-2006, 05:14 AM

I agree with SheriKCMO & Viv, I would send a simple card. I wouldn't say anything unless you know her well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SheriKCMO

Was her first loss also in the second trimester? I'm so worried about IC that I can't help but ask.

Of course that was the first thought that entered my mind, too. I wish it was appropriate to ask about that.

Gnzls924 · 09-04-2006, 06:33 AM

I think a card would be very appropriate. I know that I received several from people outside my family circle. When I received them, I was very touched because they thought of me. But I also felt that I could easily open them in the privacy of my own home. I didn't have to worry about seeing that person in the state that I was in at that time.

I think it would be a good idea to send a card.

nicole47 · 09-04-2006, 02:17 PM

I would send a card or flowers... just like I would if an older child had died.

RoxieInPa · 09-08-2006, 04:42 PM

I agree with a card. DH's 2 Aunt's each sent us cards when I had my first loss. It was at 14 weeks. It means alot to me.

elr3345 · 09-18-2006, 01:25 AM

I think you shouldn't say a word. I miscarried at 5-6 weeks after 4 years of ttc. I don't even know how I got pregnant. I had tried clomid without success, tried injectibles without success and lots of terrible side effects, and had given up on the re altogether and started modifying my diet and taking herbal supplements. That's when I got pregnant. I wasn't even trying. After I miscarried, I went back on the herbs and the diet and never ovulated or got a period again, so obviously the herbs and diet didn't do the trick after all, and I have abandoned the diet and herbs. How it happened is a mystery. I can tell you that the most comfort I got was from the people who kept their mouths shut. I had some idiots give me the "the time wasn't right" line, I had others give me the "keep trying" line and another ignorant f**K tell me that it was all my fault b/c I did too much. I wanted to shoot everyone of them. Especially the ones who overloaded me with false hope for the future. I am most grateful to the people who either said nothing at all, or just said "I'm sorry for your loss...how are you doing?" and left it at that. My advice...either say nothing, or just say you're sorry for what she is going through. Thank you for having the sense to ask for advice before saying anything. I wish my friends, relatives and co-workers were as considerate as you.

*~SugarPlums~* · 09-21-2006, 05:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elr3345

I think you shouldn't say a word. I miscarried at 5-6 weeks after 4 years of ttc. I don't even know how I got pregnant. I had tried clomid without success, tried injectibles without success and lots of terrible side effects, and had given up on the re altogether and started modifying my diet and taking herbal supplements. That's when I got pregnant. I wasn't even trying. After I miscarried, I went back on the herbs and the diet and never ovulated or got a period again, so obviously the herbs and diet didn't do the trick after all, and I have abandoned the diet and herbs. How it happened is a mystery. I can tell you that the most comfort I got was from the people who kept their mouths shut. I had some idiots give me the "the time wasn't right" line, I had others give me the "keep trying" line and another ignorant f**K tell me that it was all my fault b/c I did too much. I wanted to shoot everyone of them. Especially the ones who overloaded me with false hope for the future. I am most grateful to the people who either said nothing at all, or just said "I'm sorry for your loss...how are you doing?" and left it at that. My advice...either say nothing, or just say you're sorry for what she is going through. Thank you for having the sense to ask for advice before saying anything. I wish my friends, relatives and co-workers were as considerate as you.

I know this thread is probably dead lol, but I agree with you, that's why I said do nothing also. I remeber so many people putting there too sense in, people who were just aquaintences ticked me off more than ignorant family members who said 'it was meant to be' or 'it will happen again, don't worry'. People who I hardly knew and gave me their 2 cents really aggravated me. They knew nothing of all my four losses and all my struggle of ttc. Maybe I was bitter and angry but after everything I had gone through and all the losses, I just wanted to be left alone.

I hope the teacher is doing good.