Dealing with Grief

Jakes_Angel · 06-17-2008, 02:25 AM

I was just wondering how each of you have dealt with grief when it seems like everyone else expects you to keep living like it never happened.

And how do you deal with the grief in the midst of TTC again?

nae · 06-17-2008, 02:10 PM

I'm so so sorry for your loss...to get so far and then...my heart goes out to you..
do you have a supportive family and friends...when you need them use that outlet. Prayer and a relationship with God is always good..for He cares for you. Crying is good too...let it all out. The pain will soften but the memories with always be there...don't run from it. It's a process...take your time. God bless.

SheriKCMO · 06-17-2008, 06:38 PM

I needed so many different things in those early days you are still suffering with. I am not a religious person, so that part was out. I was here, I was trying to learn how to prevent my problem from happening to the next baby. I was desperately throwing myself into charting and ttc. I exercised a lot. Eventually I went to an in-person support group for bereaved parents. It was so helpful to me to hear the people in that room say the things I was thinking.

I was not alone. You are not alone, unfortunately, and we are here to listen.

If anyone were to suggest I "move on" I would have thrown it right into their face that they hadn't buried their only child and had no idea how painful that could be. I'm sorry you've been made to feel this way. (((Hugs)))

SandV · 06-17-2008, 10:00 PM

I am sorry about your loss. My hear goes out to you.

When I found out I was PG, I also found out that the fetus and my left tube would be removed. It was very difficult for me. I did not want the dr to remove my baby (all vitals were still strong even though my tube was rupturing).
I was trying to understand why this was happening. I would talk about it when I could, but not with everyone in our family or all our friends. I would get upset when people told me not to cry. Crying is part of the healing process. If someone told me "But you can always try again." I would reply abruptly stating "That will be so much easier since I have only one tube, right? It will just happen as if there was no other problems, right?"
Then I started to realize they didn't understand. No one will know exactly what you are feeling, but they can listen. I did a lot of soul searching.
Now I have turned my loss to a time to educate others. I am trying to get PCOS awareness out to the island. It is rarely diagnosed here and many many woman do not go to the dr for a problem let alone a regular check up.

Poor DH could not even talk about me being PG. He just tries to act as if that wasn't part of my surgery.

Lezasc20 · 06-17-2008, 10:14 PM

I do not know your exact pain b/c I never met my little angel. But I had her for a wonderful 7 weeks in my body. My grief is just starting and I cant stop the tears or the pain. No matter what. I've consumed a bottle of wine just to push the pain away...that made it worse since I'm so emotional when Im drunk. Its hard to think last week I was pregnant and now I'm not. I wish I could tell you what would make you feel better. The only thing that works for me is to have my dh hold me while I cry for hours. I dont think that words, meds, or anything can help us other than going through all the emotions that death has to offer. I hope that God can bring you peace. I'm still waiting for mine as well. I have alot of Faith in my God but since this has happened I have not prayed. I automatically blamed myself and thought that I did something to make Him angry with me. I begged him to let me see that hb and he did then two days later she was gone. I dont know why but He felt it was her time already. I cant explain to you why your baby was taken. that is not my place. Everyone tells me that someday you'll see your baby again and someday you'll beable to ask Him why...but that doesnt help you now so I wish I could find the right answer for you. I hope that someday you will find your peace. In the mean time, use this board to vent your fears and vent your pain. We can all feel your pain without judgment.

God Bless you Jakes Mommy!

justagirlgirlgirl · 06-17-2008, 10:14 PM

(((hugs))) Like many others have said, I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now, especially since you are apart from your DH.

But I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you, and to tell you that there is no way you should ever try to keep living like it never happened to you. Your precious son graced your life for a short but very memorable time, and I'm sure you will think of him in some way every day for the rest of your life. You earned that right when you became his mom all those months ago. Obviously that doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but you have a right to grieve and mourn for as long as you will. Hopefully if you can find a support group of families who have lost, you can get a real outlet for your thoughts and feelings and not feel like you're being judged.

Let us know if you need anything...

enits · 06-18-2008, 12:37 AM

(((hugs))) I am so so sorry for what you have been through.

Even though it has been a couple of years since I miscarried, every single day I think of all my children even the ones I've lost.

I dealt with my grief by crying, blaming myself, blaming God, unblaming God, talking to my DH. The one thing that helped was I surrounded myself with good people who were all very positive. I ignored those who said negative and hurtful things about my losses.
You know how they say it's easier to live one day at a time? I lived hour after hour and minute after minute. I went out, read books, went for walks, had lunch with myself. I volunteered for March and Dimes. I spent time here on these boards and like you posted threads to reach out to women who have gone through and are going through the same experience. It's just so hard to live after losing babies. I don't think I've moved on. I just learned, over time, how to exist with the fact that I have angels out there. THe pain hasn't gone away. Every now and then I see reminders of what I've lost, of what could have been.

I rambled on...I wish you well. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Jakes_Angel · 06-18-2008, 03:31 AM

I need to call the SADS/SIDS support group...I keep forgetting to do that...but other then that I really don't have anyone. I am here with my family while DH is away but family seems to want to push it aside and look to the future and I just keeping being told that it will be easier to get pg next time(took two years to get pg with trey) I have a hard time believing that it will be easier. or that I will even bring a baby home next time. how do they know that it wont be more difficult? how do they know that my body is going to do what it needs to do? I jsut dont understand that I dont understand how they could jsut assume that everything is going to be fine because i will be able ot get pg againa nd have a healthy baby and my mom says she thinks its going to be MANY healthy babies...but I jsut dont know if that is true...ug...why cant I believe what ppl tell me?

biogal · 06-19-2008, 09:29 PM

JAkesangel, I am so terribly sorry for your loss! I understand the pain and sadness oflosing your baby. My son, Myles, died on 2/16/08 at 26 days old. I too have been struggling with how to deal with everyone else moving forward in life while my life is in an indefinite paused state. It also took us two years, two miscarriages, and IVF to get pregnant with Myles, so I understand your worries of getting pregnant again. Once we do get pregnant again (notice my optimism) then comes a whole new set of worries. I would be happy to chat anytime, so please feel free to PM me. Also, I have a myspace if you do and want to add me as a friend: myspace.com/nanderson1. If you send me a request, please identify yourself because I have a private myspace and am particular about who I add. Many hugs and healing vibes to you!!

Niki

cherry22 · 06-29-2008, 10:46 PM

What a terrible loss...I am very sorry...we lost our twins at 22 wks...and the pain from that was almost beyond beleif......but to have lost a baby full term. my heart goes out to you...the worst for me was going back to work(one of the girls I work with was also pregnant) my thoughts are with you XX

wpttrmom · 06-29-2008, 11:26 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss. It is so fresh and so raw. I lost my only son several years ago at birth. It is something I will never 'get over' but have learned to live with it. The pain is not as raw as it once was, but there are still times when it is still very painful. You expect your child to be with you for the rest of your life and to have to unexpectedly have to say goodbye is so difficult. It's something you come to terms with in your own time, in your own way. Nobody knows the depth of your pain but you alone. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this!!

I don''t know if you are TTC right now or not. You will know when the time is right for you and hopefully you have a caring doctor who will help see you through another pregnancy. Your doctor should give you extra special care and if he/she does not then find one that will! Going through another pregnancy will be very emotional for you and it will be very helpful to have a doctor who understands that and helps reassure you all is well by having you come in more often, more ultrasounds, etc. If for no other reason than your peace of mind!!

If you ever want to talk or cry or anything else, please feel free to send me a message. Many many hugs to you!!

Jakes_Angel · 06-30-2008, 02:40 AM

tank you all, somedays are so hard and others I grieve more because my husband is gone and I want to try again so badly. and still others seem ok...I dont know if I will ever be ok again, i see life in a whole new dimension now but i hope one day god will give me another little boy