Depressed....

Britsky · 03-06-2006, 04:10 AM

I'm really not sure how to really begin this whole thing...Hmmm....well...I come from a big family...I had 6 brothers and sisters and so there was almost always someone home and to talk to and all. When I moved out of my parents house, I lived with roommates for about 2.5 years and now live alone. I have found I really hate it, though there's nothing I can really do about it. So, to make up for that, I spend alot of time at my friends' houses and hang out with them. My apartment hasnever really felt like home to me. For quite some time now, I've been dealing with signs of depression...lack of energy, tired, feeling as though my life is going no where and wondering at times if its worth all the hassle....and also at times I get the sensation that I'm not really even connected to anyone or anything that's going on around me- I feel numb. Some days I get really angry about the smallest things and some days I don't want to do anything but cry. At first when these things began, I could work through it and find ways to occupy myself and my mind and I would feel better later. Now it seems as though nothing matters anymore and I don't feel like doing any of the things that once were favorite hobbies of mine.

Recently, I have begun a new job and work a shift opposite most of my friends, including my boyfriend. I feel as though that has made things worse. Also, my parents and my younger brother have not been getting along and my parents are talking of divorce and will call me or if I call them, they both unload all their issues on me. i hear my mom's side of the story and then get my dad's. I've also been dealing with doctors and all with my PCOS issues (a positive is I have been scheduled for an appointment with an Endo at the university of Iowa) bills, and just a bunch of everything. Depression/anxiety runs thick in my family and I think it's now my turn to deal with it. Before I could deal and no it seems like it's out of hand...I can't muster up the energy to really even clean my apartment anymore when I used to always be a stickler on keeping it clean.

The final straw was this morning with a situation that happend with my bf. I had stayed the night at a friends' house and he had stopped by the apt after work this morning and I wasn't here (a bunch of friends and I all live in the same complexes). Then he stopped to drop off our other friend at the place I was staying and I walked out to the car. When I went up to talk to him, I could tell he was angry and he asked if I even live at my apartment anymore. I said yes....and then he said he had stopped and the cats were out of food and water (they had had both the day before). Then he went into this big speal about how it was ridiculous and they aren't that big og a deal to take care of and if I didn't want em I should get rid of em. After I left the car, I got into one of my angry moods and went home and began to clean and move stuff and then I plopped down in a chair and cried.

I know this is a long thread and I'm sorry, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared about getting on another med, yet nothing else I have tried has worked. My bf has had severe issues with depression and he worries that he will rub off on me and so it scares me to tell him everything that's going on with me for fear he will think it's something he has done. Throughout his dealings with it, I have been the strong one and been there for him when he needed it the most and I hate to think that I'm losing my own strong hold. This may be more of a place for me to get it all out, but anyone have any suggestions? I feel like I'm spiraling downward and am going to crash soon.

SurrenderedCyster · 03-06-2006, 05:29 AM

Common thread I see here is change. Your residence, your job. It also sounds as if you are a very caring part of your family, you talk about your brother and your parents not getting along, and your parent's talk of divorce.
I can relate, I went through the same thing when I was younger - the exact same thing.
I heard my mom's side of the story and then got my dad's. It sometimes is a generational curse only we can break. I know it may be difficult, but somewhere you may need to think about how much (this sounds) like it's hurting you, making you feel very stressed, sad, and anxious - ready to crash, and decide if that's something you want to continue. What is your part in all of this?
You have a lot on your plate - no wonder you're crying. As another cyster so nicely suggested to me, baby steps.
What can you do right now that will help you feel better? Are you responsible for others' happiness or your own? What do you have power over? What can you change?
In my opinion, either being on 'another med' or not being on another med, these issues will still be around, kinda like if you moved away from it all, remember that saying, "Wherever you go, there you are"? A book or something, but it's so true, I lived it.
It will pass, and I bet ya it will. You talked about your boyfriend's fear of telling him how you feel, have you ever seen a therapist? Sometimes it helps to get a neutral stance from another person to help you with what you're feeling.
It is easier said than done, I know, it sounds like you have a lot of concerns, just remember that you are most important. You can love your family, let go, and take on your respnsibilities in life. Have you ever tried a gratitude list?
What can you do tonight that will make you feel special, important, and valued?
Hope this helped a bit.

Hang tough, life is tough - but we are tougher

kellykel1979 · 03-06-2006, 05:38 AM

(((HUGS))) I would go see your doctor asap. This depression might be beyond just depression and will need to be treated accordingly. Hang in there!

Britsky · 03-06-2006, 05:52 AM

I've not talked to my doctor about it...in fact I've told myself when I've been going for my PCOS apps I'm gonna talk to her and then I get cold feet and don't. My thing with my bf is that he has gone through depression and continues to battle it and has said that I have been his lifeline through it and we have broken up in the past cause he feels as though he weighs me down with trying to help him and is a burden, but I don't feel that way because I love him and feel as though that's part of being in a relationship is working together to help each other out. I know that the whole pulling away and separating yourself from friends and family is a part of the symptoms of depression and I fear telling him about mine will cause him to feel as though he's bringing this on and will cause him to end things once again. I know he loves me and I love him though and when we broke up because of his in the past, it seemed as though we still couldn't be apart even after we broke up and we have gotten back together shortly after. I don't know...I'm in one of those crying/catastrophising moods tonight and may be putting more into this than is there, but I'm scared. T_T

scottishsweetie · 03-06-2006, 09:23 PM

Hi-

When a bunch of things happen to you at one time and your world turns upside down it is common to feel helpless! It is easy to fall into a depression when NOTHING seems to be going your way. One thing I have found that helps me is to relish the time I have alone! MAKE your apartment feel like home! Have your friends over to your place for games and movies instead of always going over to their place. The more comfortable your apartment becomes the easier it is to have alone time. Cheap things to do are to throw blankets over your sofas and get silk plants your cats won't eat. Put colored lights on the plants. Surround yourself in colors that make you happy (blue and yellow for me) and think of little projects to do like sort your cd's or clean out your summer clothes.

It looks like everyone wants a piece of your time and there is only so much you can do. I am the same way, I always want to be there for everyone but it just isn't possible. Take everything in stride.

When two people are battling depressing they have a tendancy to project on one another. Be there for your BF but he also needs to be there and understand you too!!! You shouldn't have to be strong enough for the two of you!

Things will turn around- keep that chin up!!!!!

Love,