Depressed Again (vent)

Bertiebugg · 08-30-2007, 03:07 AM

I go through stages where everything is really good and then BAM its not good anymore. I'm really depressed.... for many reasons. Here is my vent:

Of course my body is all over the place, and my moods are swinging. Last year I lost 60lbs which is great but nothing compared to what I need to loose and now I've gained 50 back. I changed nothing and I started gaining. I hate my body for being this way. Everything will be going the way I want it to and all of a sudden my hormones go wacky and my body stops working and nothing can prevent it from being 'normal'. So my weight is a huge issue for me! I hate the way I look I hate the way I feel. I dont want my husband to be around me or touch me... nothing I feel like a horrible fat slob that and nothing can stop my body from being out of control. I wish I had control just once... I wish that there was a cure something to stop this from happening. Everything I do only make me feel that much worse. I am really good at putting on a front so no one knows whats going on I have no one that I can talk to about it... nobody understand how could they I dont even understand! Every time I think I understand my life gets turned upside down again and nothing makes sense. Because of all of this I binge eat. I try really hard to get my eating right and then I binge. This is been going on for a year now. I really think this is why I have gained my weight back. I just cant stop it. I dont know how to stop. I binge because I'm unhappy, because I'm lonely, because I hate how I look and feel, because I want my husband to be close and touch me but I cant stand the thought of him touching my fat. I binge to have control! Yet I'm out of control when I binge! I eat I get depressed so I eat more. This has got to stop... but how? How can I break this cycle... how can I overcome these obstacles and move forward and be happy and loose some weight and enjoy life again?

We gave up on having bio children about 3 yrs ago. We moved onto adoption 2 years ago infact we just hit our 2 yr mark this month. We are still going through the process. Everytime I think we are a step closer we are actually 10 steps back. This is such an emotional roller coaster that we've talked about giving up... but we keep hope and keep moving forward. This emotional roller coaster doesnt help with any of the problems above.

I'm angry at myself for having no control... I'm angry that there is nothing out there to help... that no dr really know or understands.... that everyone around me doesnt see this because if I show it then I am overwelhmed with questions and concerns. I just dont know what to do and this emotional roller coaster is getting hard to ride. I just want it to stop and become better and for life to become better... I just dont know what to do for that to happen.

ScreamingBeauty · 09-11-2007, 01:50 AM

*hug* i hope things start going good for you again soon. hang in there. I know i couldn't begin to have the right thing to say to make you feel better but know, you're never alone. you will be in my thoughts.

JennieK · 09-11-2007, 02:12 AM

I can understand. You are not alone. I have also binge ate in the past and sometimes now. Before it was chocolate cream pies, and I'd eat a half a pie at one time, and the next day the pie would be gone, and I'd hate myself that much more. It's usually something chocolate. I'm definately a stress eater, and I know it doesn't help--only eases the pain for a little while. Have you tried to talk to your husband? Maybe he'll be more understanding than you think (I hope so). Remember, we are our own worst enemies! It doesn't say in your post what meds your on. Are you ttc? I've tried several different antidepressants, and finally found one that helped (Effexor), but I have to be on a low dose or I get headaches. I'm also on something for mood (Topamax) which helps with appetite. I've lost 14 lbs so far.

You are right. Depression and eating to feel better is a viscious cycle. PCOS and insulin resistance can cause sugar cravings I've read, too. I'm struggling with it myself right now, and when I go off the Topamax, the weight comes back with a vengeance! It isn't fair, but so many things aren't. Try to think about your blessings, instead of your faults. That helps me come out of it when I'm feeling really low. There are people who care about you. (Even people who don't even know you

Take care and God bless!