Depressed beyond all reason. (TTC mentioned)

GabrielsMom · 10-28-2005, 11:04 PM

It seems like there are so few places I can go where people really understand me. I'm so thankful that I have this place.

I don't think I've ever been so depressed as I am right now. And nobody would know, really. I spend all day acting like nothing is wrong and I come home and lose it. For two days this week, all I've wanted to do is cry my eyes out or break things. Sometimes both.

It all started when I got a BFN on what I thought was 13 dpo on Wednesday. I was really hopeful this time, that I was pregnant. I can't get over the sick irony of the fact that I got pg with Gabriel my first month trying. I would have been patient back then, if it took a long time. But now, I just can't deal with it. I want to be pregnant so bad it hurts. Then I got another BFN this morning and AF has yet to show. I refuse to take another test and see another negative. I just can't take it. So this means I probably didn't even O. I had two short cycles when I COULDN'T TTC and now that I can, no O. I feel like this is some sort of very sick joke.

And everything about right now... the weather, the smells, the feeling of heaters blowing, the chill in the air, everything... just reminds me of last November when I lost my Gabriel. I swear I feel worse now than I did back then. I just can't stop crying and I feel so hopeless. I felt like quitting my job on Wednesday. I have these fantasies of just going away somewhere. I wish I had the money to just go somewhere else... maybe somewhere where it is warm.

Well, I feel a little better now. Thanks if you read this....

kwannabee · 10-28-2005, 11:37 PM

Hugs Adrianne...i know these potholes are hard...i'm so sorry about the bfn i know nothing i say will take away the heartache...i wish there was

This gray dingy weather sucks...but i'm hoping for brighter days ahead for you...hang in there okay??

~Traci~ · 10-28-2005, 11:57 PM

{{{{HUGS}}}} Adrianne

Traci

Pamela · 10-29-2005, 12:51 AM

Nothing I can say will help you except that I'm thinking about you and I think about you often.
(((HUGS)))

jlbrown122 · 10-29-2005, 02:13 AM

{{{HUGS}}} Adrianne, I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. I went through the same sort of thing last month. My period was actually 3 days late. I took several pg tests, all BFN. The thing was that one day when I felt like I was going to pass out, dh put ear cleaner in one of our dogs ears and the smell of the ear cleaner made me run outside and throw up. I thought for sure I was pregnant because I was really sensitive to smells last time I was pregnant. It is so discouraging waiting to see 2 lines on a pg test and only seeing the 1 line that the test is complete. You are not alone. Feel free to pm any time you need someone to talk to.

JuliannePCOS · 10-29-2005, 02:51 AM

Oh honey --- I know how you feel. The smells, the heat going on..... We had bought a halloween outfit on sale for out Scooter boy. It's a 3-6 month outfit and he was due on July 12 and it would've been perfect for him.

I got my BFP on Nov 5. It was the happiest time of my life. Now... it's a year later and I should be about as far along as I was when I lost the Scooter boy with #2.

I also know how you feel about some Drs not respecting unborn life. My OB.... which was on call the day Scooter was born unfortunately.... told me, after I was worried about IC that he wouldn't do anything "heroic" for me.

Luckily, he's left the practice..... but my baby is still not here. It sucks. I started counseling last Monday and have 2 more appts scheduled.

I'm sorry.

SheriKCMO · 10-29-2005, 12:51 PM

After THE disappointment of a lifetime, it is sometimes impossible to handle any disappointment or even uncertainty... I find myself overwhelmed because I forgot to run the dishwasher or because I can't find anything to wear or Brad is ten minutes late. Getting BFN's is bad enough when you aren't fragile, but when you are, they are totally excruciating. I completely understand.
(((Big Hugs)))

enits · 10-29-2005, 02:17 PM

Oh Adrianne, I know how you feel. ((hugs)) Just take it one day or maybe one hour at a time. If you need to break something, buy some cheap plates and break them in your garage or basement when you feel the need! It may help release the tension. Hang in there, okay?

Reebekah · 10-29-2005, 02:44 PM

believe me, i have been where you are. there are days i literally didnt think i would make it through. somehow, i always managed to talk myself out of anything crazy that came to mind. for example, when i wanted to quit my job, i convinced myself that i would need the money for when i had another baby so that i could give him/her everything that i never had. when i wanted to run away to somewhere else, i realized that a change in location doesnt mean a change inside of your head. and when i got those BFNs after i lost my girls, i kept telling myself to be patient, my time would come and i WOULD get pregnant again. i know its easier said than done, but try to remain patient and optimistic....you WILL get pregnant again soon.....there is no reason why you wont. and i know a new baby wont bring back or replace Gabriel....nor do you want it to....but i guess we really have no choice but to look forward and continue to try for the families that we long for. hang in there.

Hugs
Becky

shorty1kanobi · 10-29-2005, 03:59 PM

I'm sorry, my friend. I've been thinking of you, your husband and Gabriel. Anniversaries and milestones come with intense emotions, and added disappointment surely doesn't help. We're here for you.

GabrielsMom · 10-29-2005, 06:46 PM

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort! It means more to me than I can describe. Mandy, thanks so much for checking up on me and giving me words of encouragement. Everyone who has been through a loss should have an empathetic friend like you. enits, I did think about buying cheap plates and breaking them. The idea sounded so theraputic, but I didn't want to have to clean it up! Sheri, that's a really good point about the disappointment. I never thought about it that way before. I think you are onto something. I do have a harder time dealing with some disappointments than I did before. Other more trivial things actually bother me *less* now, but things like TTC are very difficult. I guess I just feel so frustrated that I have to do this again. It makes me angry. I already conquered this battle... I shouldn't be TTCing right now, I should be taking care of a 6 month old! Julianne, that story about your doctor just makes me angry. I've heard too many stories like that.. it's so wrong. I'm glad he left the practice. I changed docs to one I love. Janet, thanks for sharing. It sounds a lot like what I went through this month. And thanks for the gift, too. That was so sweet of you. Pam, Traci, and Kim... thanks as always for your encouragement and support. You are such sweet cysters... I don't know what I'd do without you!

So, as an update... I started spotting today!!! I was jumping for joy when I saw that. I must have O'd later than I thought, but a 30 day cycle and a new beginning is very encouraging to me. Hopefully, I won't be stuck in this limbo for too much longer.

Love you all!
Adrianne

Pamela · 10-29-2005, 06:55 PM

YAY for spotting--another opportunity!!!!

karney · 10-29-2005, 08:32 PM

Adrianne , I am so sorry that you are going through this . It's hard enough going through a loss of a baby , but then we have to go through the dissapointments of a bfn and through the anniversaries of our loved ones . You just want to scream out say ," How much more I can take " ! It's good to know that you are among cysters who love you and can understand what you are going through . I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you ladies to come to when I lost my Tommy . Take care and know we are hear for you .
Karen

saluki_fan · 10-30-2005, 02:02 PM

Quote:

YAY for spotting--another opportunity!!!!

Every time AF came around, DH and I would tell each other "a new chance" and try to be positive about it. It helped.

Adrianne, I just to say how sorry I am for what you are going through.

I also wanted to tell you that the peak of my depression came at the end of November and beginning of December of last year, when we could start TTC again. I was FURIOUS that we even HAD to TTC again, I was still supposed to be PG! Ironically, although I was sad after Loss 2 and Loss 3, I was always the saddest and angriest when we had to go through the process of "trying again." Don't know why that is...but it is the truth.

I never had the feelings of wanting to quit my job - maybe my job is what kept me sane, I don't know. My co-workers were AMAZINGLY supportive (much more than our families) and I think that's because an amazingly high amount of my co-workers have had losses - early, 2nd-tri, and even stillbirths. So, I was blessed with a very healthy work environment for my support network. (I still am. I'm frustrated at work for other reasons right now, but mental support there is not one of them - they are wonderful in that regard.) But I didn't want to see my friends or really leave the house. My friends would call and finally say "We are coming over and taking you somewhere" and usually, that was just what I needed. My pets helped too - maybe because they depend on us so much, who knows. You can't look at their sweet little faces and not want to just hug and love on them.

We all adore you and wish the best for you! And we're here whenever you need us.

Meghan

VivC · 10-30-2005, 08:12 PM

((Adrianne)). Fall will never be the same for me, either. It was always my favorite season. I think everything you're feeling is perfectly understandable. I wish I could take some of your pain away. I know that getting past Rivi's birth and death days really eased my pain a lot. I'm hoping the same for you.

Viv