Depressed... and confused...

flo0ow · 06-02-2009, 12:15 PM

im not sure if this sounds more like a rant or what but i need advice/help/a few good words at this point...

well i know i am depressed even the drs agreel, i have been medicated in the past and am actually supposed to be on zoloft right now as well but have chosen not to keep up with it at this point...

a little family history... 2 months before i was born my gmom (moms mom) commit suicide while locked up in a state hospital... i dont know what her diagnosis was... my mom is diagnosed as bi-polar skitzo (sp?)... i have been diagnosed with just depression...

ok... now growing up my dad has always made sure that i knew that it was my moms fault that everything was happening the way that it was... he always reminded me of how my gmom was a looney and commit suicide... and now... at 25 he is doing the same about me... he is telling people that im the cause of his gambling problem (that he has had for years) and a whole lot of other things...

yes we are going through something right now because of his wife... and i have told him around april 29th that he was never going to see his grandson or future grandson EVER!!! i am hurt by this even though i am the one that is enforcing this rule...

while we were all on vacation back in april... my step mom decided to stir up some drama... well she did the same thing my last pg and the craziest part is that it was at the same point in the pg... so my last strings were pulled when she kept telling me to go f myself at our resort... all this because i just wanted to talk to my dad alone and explain to him what was going on... and instead she took a trip down the f-bomb road... that was my breaking point when my dad turned around and walked away with her...

and that was when my decision was made to never allow him to see my children again and never see my furture child... which is killing me inside... but at the same time... i cant let him do what he did to me as a child to my children... always telling them "your mom this and your mom that and its all ur moms fault" i just cant live through this again...

besides all of this ive had issues with my dad in the past and somehow managed to put all that to the side when he got sick and almost died in the hospital... but now we are back to square 1 and i dont want him in my life anymore!!!

well all because i dont want him in my life anymore he and his wife are telling mutual friends things that i have not even said... he is threatining to 302 me and with everything going on i just dont know how to handle it all...

my new insurance requires me to have a referral for every therapy visit (which i never felt like it did me good anyways) and i need to see my pcp every time for a new referral...

i just realized this had no point to it what so ever... so im not even sure what i wanted to get out of this post...

thebluefox22 · 06-02-2009, 04:24 PM

Wow! Pardon my french, but what your Dad and step-Mom have done is f***d up! It sounds like you have been to hell and back again in your relationship with your father. I have been there too. My father is Bipolar and has a major gambling problem. He likes to blame everything on my Mom or me as nothing is ever his fault, even the situations he puts himself into. I have realized over time though that this is part of his disorder and that it is easier for him (and anyone for that matter) to blame others rather than themselves for their hardships. I know it is not easy, but I hope that you realize that nothing that your father does is your fault!!! Nothing!!! In the case of him not be allowed to see his grandkids, I think you should do what is best for your kids and your own sanity! If not seeing him is healthier than him being in your kids lives then you should follow your heart and your gut and go with you instinctive reaction which is to not let him see them. Good luck to you, you'll be in my prayers.