 Depressed For Ever....
I have suffered with depression on and off years but last year was a really really bad year for me but I hid a lot of the time how I was feeling until I couldn’t cope with it anymore and I took some sick time at work. I was only off 6 weeks or so and the AD started to kick in, but my negative feelings didn’t go and come the New Year as I was feeling worse than ever.
Then in February one little incident with a neighbour (I suffer with really bad anti-social behaviour where I live) set me back and I went sick again and was off work for 10 weeks.
I went back to work just over 6 weeks ago but I know now it was too early for me to return and I am still feeling really depressed, but I have always been scared to really confide in my doctor and actually tell them how I was feeling.
After giving things a lot of thought for the past few weeks I have decided that at almost 29 there is only me that can get myself better and I should not keep listening to those who love me who don’t know the full extent of what I am going through because I don’t tell them and who I always put first and just try to carry on like normal, even though I am crumbling inside.
Yes I worry about losing my job, but my employers know the extent of what I have gone through with where I am living so they know this is not just something that is a one off. I am losing the fight to carry on as I have tried to move house for 4 years but the council are not offering me anything suitable and I lost my appeal for a priority move house. There is no way I can afford to go into a private rented property as it would see an increased of rent by 50% and I just cannot afford it.
On top of problems with neighbours last year I was also finally diagnosed with PCOS and told I was a Type 2 diabetic.
I am so tired, I am struggling with day to day life and I am becoming more and more paranoid about my good neighbours and even my friends.
Some days are good, and I am happy, hyper almost can talk for England and then one thing will just trigger me into being depressed.
Suicide was something I consider a lot last year but always put others first like my parents and friends, but more recently suicide became appealing and I forgot about leaving those that love me behind, that scared me as I don’t want to die, but sometimes it seems like the only option, but more than anything I want to get better.
Now I have made the decision that I am going to go sick again at work and this time not think about going back until I am 100% better, I have wrote down some of my issues which will make it easier when I see my doctor as sometimes I just clam up in those places… and I am going to ask for a referral to a psychotherapist to try CBT (THERAPY), it was something I looked into a long time ago but I never asked for help and just carried on with the AD, it’s obvious the AD don’t work as I have been taking 40mg for months of Citalopram and I don’t really see an improvement apart form the odd days.
My depression is affecting my job, in which I am stroppy to customer, and as someone who was once proud of her job, now I don’t care, and I don’t want to feel like that….
I just wondered if you could all wish me a bit of luck for when I see my doctor next week…. Maybe finally I will start to road to recovery…. | 
