Depressed and miserable while pregnant :(

ReneeBeth · 04-14-2005, 07:05 PM

Yeah. I think saying I'm depressed is an understatement. I mean, I'm on 60mg of Paxil so I'm scared to death to think of how bad I'd be without it. Even the high-dose of Paxil isn't curbing the depression too much, or the stress/anxiety I have.
Basically, I'm almost 14 weeks pregnant. And this week, my husband decided it was a good time to leave. Yeah, leave. For good. Never coming back. We've been married for nearly 6 years. We lost our son, Daniel, last year due to PTL. I got pregnant, by surprise, fairly soon after losing Daniel. Also I got pregnant while my husband was "cheating" on me. He was "dating" a underage girl he worked with, but he never slept with her. He only told her he loved her and wanted to be with her. Oh, gee...the fact he didn't sleep with her makes it SO much better...shya right.

Anyway, I tried to forgive, I tried to move on. I want this baby more than anything. This baby was a gift from my son. I found out I was pregnant right before my due date was supposed to be with Daniel. This baby is due less than 2 weeks after Daniel's 1st birth/death date. There is no question that this baby was a gift from Daniel. It took 5 years, and 8 rounds of clomid, to get pregnant with him. Then this time, we weren't even trying. I was on Avandia. I got my wisdom teeth removed Jan. 19th, and this baby was coceived about 3 days later. Basically, if it wasn't for the online journal I had, I'd never know I had sex because I was doped up on percocet and don't remember even going near my hubby.

ANYWAY. I never thought he'd leave me like this. He didn't just leave. He LEFT. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He knows he HAS TO go to therapy if he wanted to go near this baby, and he's not willing to do that. He basically left because he hates me, he refuses to get the help he needs, and I asked him to change. My hubby is a "punk". He wears crappy clothes, looks like a bum, has safety pins in his ears, and has a blue mohawk. I told him that is not the father I want this baby to know, and he said too bad. Whatever.

So here I am. On modified bedrest, in a high-risk pregnancy, with my husband just left. He also hasn't shown up to work since he left, so he'll be fired if he ever goes back there. So, no hubby, and no money. No hubby, no money, no ability to take care of myself or the home, and no father for this baby.

I don't know what the heck to do. I never thought I'd go through this pregnancy alone. I never thought I'd be a single mom. I never thought he'd leave me with NOTHING like he did. I mean, fine...leave if you hate me so much, but be a man and support me since you know I can't! But nope, he left me hanging here with nothing.

I don't want to be alone. I can't do this myself. I WAS a strong person. I didn't kill myself after losing the son I was trying for for 5 years. I got through that. Why the hell should I now be expected to have to go through this? It's just not fair. NOT FAIR! What did i do to deserve this?

I just want this baby to be okay. But, depression takes a real toll on the body. I can't eat very well, I am too tired to do anything...I have nobody to hang out with or be with. I live in a pig-stye because that's the way my hubby left the house, and i can't do the work to clean it up. I lost 4lbs in 3 weeks so far. Even though I'm over-weight, the doctors were still very unhappy to see that much of a weight loss in only 3 weeks. I'm worried for this baby. I want this baby to make it. I am doing what I can, but I can't seem to do enough.

What do you do when your depression isn't just chemical imbalance, but it's caused by something real...something no pill can fix? I'm scared that between my depression and anxiety, it's going to wreak havoc on my body and hurt this baby

I want this baby to be okay, this little gift from my son.

For 2 days I've been able to do nothing but lay in bed and cry. I have to set the alarm every 4 hours so I can force myself to eat and drink something. I am not hungry, and i have to fight to get food in and keep it down.

I'm also a horrible mommy. Basically, my hubby refused to quit smoking this time when I found out I was pregnant. Last pg, we both quit (ok, so he smoked at work but never near me). But this time, he would not just smoke right there with me, but he'd buy me packs and throw them at me. He'd yell and scream at me, and start smoking in the middle. He knows that because of my anxiety, I smoke. No doctor can really tell which is worse for me: smoking or my anxiety. My doctors know i smoke, but I was only smoking 5 or less a day. They admitted they honestly get mad when it's over half a pack a day, but less than that..there are much worse things you could be doing. But now, since my hubby is gone, it seems I am smoking more without even realizing it. Thanks to my asthma I can't smoke much more than half a pack a day, but I'm smoking way more than I was, and way more than I should. I was doing good before this, down to 2 smokes a day...1 in the AM, 1 in the PM and I was fine. But now, I'm afraid I can't quit. If I try, I'll just start getting more and more anxiety attacks.

Ugh.
I just hate life right now. And because I'm pregnant, I feel like a horrible mother already. I failed this baby in so many ways, I'm afraid i'll lose this baby

I don't want to lose another baby.

Guess I'm done, I'll go back to bed now.

TickledPink · 04-14-2005, 10:16 PM

awwww sweetie! I urge you to go to your doc and talk about new meds! 60 mgs of paxil is ALOT and I think you need to switch! Maybe to something like celexa which is safe during pregnancy.

Maybe some good old talk therapy with a profesional would help to as you seen very overwhelmed with alot of things on your plate.

(((((hugs)))))

ReneeBeth · 04-14-2005, 10:29 PM

I'm not allowed to switch my Paxil. Every med i've tried switching to (wellbutrin was the last one, and there were 4 others before that) have made me either suicidal or homocidal. So, my docs have decided no more messing with the meds. I'm stuck with the Paxil. Actually, the Paxil is working. I haven't killed myself or anyone else. Without the Paxil, one or the other (or both) would have happened by now.
And yes, the hospital has a counseling center (it's a woman's hospital) and they have specific counselors for pregnant women. When I go next week for my 3-hour GTT I have to see the social worker for the tan unit (high risk pg unit there) and then pick a counselor. But honestly, sometimes talking isn't enough. I need help, I need people, I need money....

joanne23 · 04-14-2005, 11:46 PM

((((((HUGS)))))) I am so sorry to hear about the misery that you are experiencing right now. I know it's tough to have your husband leave, but maybe you and you child will be better that way. He doesn't sound very nice, cheating on you and throwing packs of cigarettes at you etc. Do you have any family members that may be able to help you, or that you can talk to? Perhaps you can get some information from your doctor about the programs that are offered to preganant women in need. I know that there is a government program called WIC (I think?) that provides groceries to pregnant women as well as low-income women with small children. I sure that there are other forms of government assistance that could help you with the need for some $$$ as well. Good luck and feel better!

TickledPink · 04-15-2005, 02:24 PM

I have some articles posted about this and resourses on my website, the link is in my siggy! Keep in mind I just set it up

QueenK · 04-17-2005, 06:27 PM

They stopped making my Paxil cr. I went to get my rx filled and they gzve me just one month and said i have to change my rx.. I cant believe this.. I dont want anything else..

Quote:

Originally Posted by TickledPink

awwww sweetie! I urge you to go to your doc and talk about new meds! 60 mgs of paxil is ALOT and I think you need to switch! Maybe to something like celexa which is safe during pregnancy.

Maybe some good old talk therapy with a profesional would help to as you seen very overwhelmed with alot of things on your plate.

(((((hugs)))))

*pEaNuT* · 04-17-2005, 07:09 PM

((((HUGS)))) If you need to talk I am here!!!

wina · 04-21-2005, 02:07 PM

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

I think you need a change in your reality, not in your meds. It's completely understandable for you to be depressed in your current situation! You're dealing with a LOT of difficult stuff!!! Please don't feel guilty on top of all that's going on. So you're not perfect - none of us are.

You may look back on this one day and realize your DH (and the "D" don't stand for "dear"

) did you and your baby a favor by leaving. Throwing cigarettes at you? Cheating on you? That's not what you need!!!

You're dealing with some drastic changes, and change is difficult, but sometimes it's necessary. This baby is a gift, a miracle, and a great source of hope. You have the opportunity for a bright future, a chance to change your reality.

Right now you need a good support system and some financial help. Do you have family or friends that can help? You need support, the kind your DH (again, not "dear") didn't provide. And definitely see if you can sign up for government assistance and WIC. Good luck to you! Please take care of yourself.