Depressed newbie

queenofpawns · 09-10-2004, 02:19 AM

Hi. I'm new. Although I haven't been diagnosed, I believe without doubt that I suffer from this disorder. Actually, I found this site while doing a search for cognitive problems.
Anyway, here's my story.
I'm a 28 y/o secretary. I've never had sex. Need I say more? lol
OK...guess I need to, even if only to vent for my own release.

My perioids have never been regular. Sometimes they don't come for months. When they do, however, they're so painful that I can't do anything but curl up in fetal position. I also, on occasion, get stabbing pains in my side that feel as if someone has just stabbed me with a hot poker. And this is the least of it. The physical pain I can handle. It's the emotional pain that is proving to be too much.

I have severe cognitive problems. My memory is so bad that I can't remmber things that people said to me a few minutes prior. My concentration is even worse than my memory. I wanted to do something meaningful with my life. My brain just won't let me. All I can manage is a simple secretarial job - and even that I screw up.

Physically Im a mess. I've always been overweight. Even though now I've lost most of the excess lard, my body hasn't forgotten. I don't care what anyone says - 240 pounds worth of extra skin does not look good on a 140 pound body, nor does it go away. Only recently has my acne cleared up, but if I so much as dab anything but water on my face, back it comes. I have disgusting body hair everywere! I used to wax my face, but the hair always grew back so quick and stubby and, when it first starts growing back, it's too short, thick to shave. Since I can't take 3 days off work each week to wait for it to grow to shaving length, I've resorted to shaving. Now my face has all this nasty stubble. And of course, the one place where I actually want hair, on my head, I'm losing it in mass amounts. I wear my hair in a pony tail.

Because of this I've never had sex. I think it's worse now than ever. When I was younger and fat, guys didn't want me anyway. Now, I've had plenty of decent men ask me out. I can't do it. The subject of sex will eventually come up, and I can't let anyone see me. So I turn them down. A friend of mine (male) tried to brush his hand across my cheek in a loving gesture and I turned away. He was hurt. I felt so bad, but I didn't want him to feel the stubble. I cried all night after that happened. I wanted that so bad...that touch. It wasn't sexual. It was loving, caring, something I never had from a guy...so simple...I can't even have something so simple.

No career, no salary I can support myself, no love, no sex. Yea, so I'm depressed.

santa'sbaby · 09-10-2004, 05:13 AM

Although I am sure it's hard to imagine...there isn't a single person on this site who can't relate to your story one way or another.

It's hard to function when you feel that you have so much to hide from the world. I sill can't let anyone touch my face to this day. I remember speaking to my DH for the first time over the phone before our first date. I spelled it out for him in the following manor.

...I have this condition, It's a hormone imbalance and it causes me unpleasent side effects such as depression, acne and oh yeah I have a full fledged beard as well as some hair across my shoulders, back and chest.

It was harsh, maybe abrupt but I needed to know that he was man enough and mature enough to get past that and love me for the wonderful person that I am. You see PCOS is not the be all or end all of who we are. We are all fabulous women with a condition that we have to work at every single day of our lives. However it doesn't take away from the power that we have or the gifts that we can offer the world.

I am hoping that you are somehow able to get a diagnosis from a doctor. In the mean time do some research on the research articles fourm. We have alot of support on this board and some wonderful ladies who share your pain and struggles.

We are here for you. Let us know how you are doing.

God Bless,
April

callthewind · 09-10-2004, 02:17 PM

Hon, don't give up on love or life.

As April said, everyone here can empathize with you. Isn't that a comfort?

Please see a dr. if you aren't already. There is so much he/she can do to help you rein in the symptoms of PCOS. You can get alot of info here about controlling this thing with the ir diet, meds for insulin control and hair growth, loss, etc. Laser hair removal is becoming more and more available/affordable. But remember, these are just symptoms. Incredibly annoying and heartbreaking symptoms, yes, but they are not YOU, just your symptoms.

As you will see from reading the boards, many many women here have husbands and devoted significant others who are completely unfazed by our cosmetic problems. Most have found that their guys are much less concerned about the facial hair than they would have ever expected or imagined.

I was more than 12 years widowed, limping thru middle age and daily battling some of the cosmetic symptoms and many of the emotional ones ( hormone queen here!) of PCOS. I had had several intense relationships with users/loosers who dumped me for no apparent reason. Finally decided I would just give up on hoping for love and enjoy the parts of my life that were good. While just looking for a cycling buddy I met my second great soulmate. He is cute, sweet, smart, kind, loyal, etc, just in every way "better" than those others who "didn't want me". I'm convinced the Lord took those other fools out of the picture while making way for something good for me. He will for you too, you'll see.

Three years later, my guy has never faltered in his devotion despite some real hair (no pun intended) raising emotional roller coaster adventures with me. And one day he let me know in the most loving way that he was aware of the facial hair problem. He just knew it was tormenting me trying to hide it and worry about it. He actually thinks my little mustache is adorable and just shrugs off that charming black forest of chin hairs that I have to pluck twice daily. Now when we travel together I just lug along my super-magnifying lighted makeup mirror and plucking and shaving is just another part of our 'getting ready so we can get on with our day 'routine. No big deal.

And if some men were to really reject us for these things? Well, huh, good riddance. Better to be temporarily single than a Stepford Wife. So don't be afraid to date, have fun.

I know really nothing about cognitive problems. I do know that met has helped me come out of a dismal "brain fog" that really hindered my life for a long time. I can recall and concentrate much better since I started taking it. I think there are some posts here on the board somewhere on that subject with more info on how it can relate to PCOS and insulin resistance, if you haven't seen them already.

And congratulations on the incredible weight loss! That is an achievement to envy. Enjoy it!

Sorry to be so long -Take good care of yourself most of all.

CathyWood · 09-11-2004, 02:28 AM

Pawn...Welcome to SC. Glad you found us. I am sorry you are down..don't give up. Feel free to contact me if you wish. See you around.

*pEaNuT* · 09-16-2004, 08:53 PM

WELCOME TO S.C.!!!! (((HUGS)))

strixca · 09-16-2004, 09:05 PM

i'm new too, found out i have pcos last nov, still makes me feel sick, took me 9 months to get the appointment and since then i haven't seen anyone, no one will help me