Is Depression a Choice?

dani_bones · 12-21-2007, 01:07 AM

Hello Everyone,

I am really struggling with something and I am hoping that there are some of you out there who can relate.

I have been struggling with depression since I was 14. When I think back to the cause of my depression.. I remember feeling that it started after a weight gain of about 10-15 lbs. It was also a time of difficult family issues but those were highly present since birth. I remember thinking if I could lose this weight I would be happy. So I did what any rational teenager does and I decided that I would abuse crystal meth get super skinny and my problems would be solved. Big Mistake- Needless to say that wasn't the case. I lost weight and quit the awful drug only to gain more weight and then develop an eating disorder -first bulimia and then and still now- overeating/emotional eating. At 19 I developed an extremely hairy face and was diagnosed with PCOS at 23.

For the last 15 years I have been an up and mostly down roller coaster. I can't commit to anything, and I feel like my life is passing me by. I've been in long term counseling, tried medication, dabbled in changing my diet and exercise but I have not been successful in changing my lifestyle for any extended period of time.

You hear these stories of people being helped by AD's so I tried them but after a month or so they quit. I feel so great when they're working. I feel positive and like I can conquer this. I feel like myself, I don't want to overeat or eat sweets then they stop working.

So my question for you dear friends, is...how many of you struggled with depression and found that exercise and lifestyle change made the difference?

In my heart I feel like until I do things the right way-I'll never get better. However, I can't seem to find that balance. I'm really scared and have such a hard time imagining myself different- Happy. Because it's been so long since I've been stable and relatively happy.

I once read a book called depression is a choice www.depressionisachoice.com and it's always stuck with me. Basically the book states that you have to learn to control your mind when you get depressed and focus on other things. It views depression as both chemical and reactive. That people can actually "do or choose depression". When you do this you can will yourself out of depression. I was in a deep depression and I read that book from cover to cover in 2 days. It really resonated with me. I snapped out of my depression after reading it. However, I fell back down and have not been successful in stopping myself from going down that dark road.

Have you ever been deeply depressed, not wanting to socialize, clean your house and basically wanting to do anything but cured or managed that with a deep change in your life?

I would love to hear your stories.

~Danielle

shylatina826 · 12-21-2007, 01:14 AM

Hi Danielle,

I read your stroy. And I have gone through the whole depression thing about being overweight since I was about 16. I havent experienced the whole drug situation. I have gone through some eating dis orders which I regret. Now I dont have that problem anymore because I was in counceling for it which made me change my perspective on food and my body image. But I do wish you the best of luck on trying to get better. I just try not to think about it much and keep myself occupied with friends or reading watching tv shopping and traveling.
If you ever need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to write me. I'm here for you!
-Liz

Bethann · 12-21-2007, 07:34 AM

I'm newly diagnosed with Bipolar II, so perhaps I see it everywhere, but some of your experiences, including the trying multiple anti-depressants, having them work great, then stop working, feeling like you're on a roller coaster sound like Bipolar. Have you tried working with a pyschiatrist?

Pamster · 12-21-2007, 02:10 PM

Well...depression is sort of a choice. When you go to a therapist (especially one that wants to try cognitive techniques) they will do similar things -trying to change maladaptive or negative thought patterns and replace them with more positive thoughts. I guess this book is trying to say that people can do this by themselves. The problem seems to be that this is easier said than done. I know that when I was in the midst of a deep depression I definitely lacked the willpower to do it.

Exercise / Lifestyle change helped me last time I was in a depression. I don't think IT so much helped me as the sense that I was accomplishing something and trying to change my life. It can give you goals and setting and achieving goals really helped me battle depression. Other things that helped me were antidepressants, volunteering, and getting out of the house more.

I wish you the best of luck trying to cure your depression. I know that its hard to imagine being happier but it is totally possible!

VJP · 12-21-2007, 08:21 PM

It seems in a lot of ways that depression kind of is a choice, and certainly a lot of people who haven't experienced it, dismiss it as some sort of lifestyle choice.
I found, before I started the anti-depressants, that I would think about making changes and just wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I would be in bed thinking "I should get up and take a shower" and just physically be so tired that I would be sitting on the floor in the shower, get out and just crawl back to bed.
My mother dragged me to the doctor and I genuinely worked to get better and followed all of my doctors recommendations.
Once the anti-depressants worked, they kind of changed my thought patterns right away. I only realized this after I was better and doing some reading, but when I was in the depths I was constantly thinking that the world was against me, even for stupid little stuff like missing the bus. I haven't thought that once since. And once the drugs started to work, I started to think "I am worth more than this" instead, and I had the energy to do things and take enjoyment out of them.
However, the mother of one of my friends has no desire to get out of the pit. She won't admit that she has a problem. She has a wonderful doctor, but refuses to take her pills, or downs a lot of alcohol with them. She won't go for counseling. She is actively working against a treatment plan, and I think she is choosing to stay with the familiar instead of trying to change.

Sorry for the rambling, I don't think I came to a conclusion. I think that getting depressed was not a choice, but healing myself was!

dani_bones · 12-21-2007, 09:26 PM

Thank you so much for sharing with me everybody.

Bethann your comment inparticular really resonated with me. Yes I have suspected that I was bi-polar. At one time I had a Dr. diagnose me as bi-polar but since I have never had full blown mania and I am mostly depressed I disregarded it. I have also had a Dr tell me that I wasn't Bi-polar but had an anxiety disorder. It's so hard to know which way is up. I've always just thought that I'm weak and lazy and not strong enough. So I try and pull myself out and I feel good about my momentum, start to pull out of the depression and then almost go into a manic episode where I'm eating less, sleeping less, being productive, and feeling smiley, motivated positive and happy. Then I crash and in a about a week to 10 days I'm fully depressed not wanting to see or talk to anyone, do anythingm or get out bed. It's a FIGHT to get in the shower. I'll look around at what needs to be done and just feel too overwhelmed to do anything. Then I feel guilty because I'm just making myself this way. Like how could anyone be happy if they weren't doing anything?

Like you VGP, the anti-depressants changed my thought patterns immediately also. But then it just stopped very similar to my up periods. I wake up one day and don't want to get out bed. Then I start craving food all the time (mostly sweet things) then I wanna call in sick for work because I will get there and doing the littlest tasks seems too much for me. If I really force myself I can get things done but it takes a long time and it's hard for me to focus and it is a real struggle.

Bethann- did you have the AD poop out problem? What were your manic periods like?

Bethann · 12-22-2007, 02:21 AM

I have been in mental health care, on and off, for 8 years, before being diagnosed, which I have learned is the average for Bipolar. What triggered my current (wonderful) pdoc to think of the diagnosis was a history of unrelentingly severe depressive episodes, despite taking a long list of anti-depressents. They'd work great, but eventually, the depression would push through again.

My manic phases are hypomanic, and very difficult to see as manic. They happen almost exclusively at night, I have chronic insomnia, and no one else thought to ask what I was doing during those hours--nothing harmful, just up, head so full of zooming, pushing thoughts, writing pages and pages of meaningless gibberish--thinking I was working on my dissertation, a room remodeling plan,...

My doctor has taken most of a year to diagnose me--he said he suspected from the beginning, hearing my history, but that he wanted to try a bit more treating the depression (because bipolar is in some ways a more serious diagnosis). After the worst depressive episode in years occured while on the maximum dose of cymbalta, which had been working, I agreed to try Lamictal (a mood stabilizer). I wasn't sure how many more of these depressive episodes I could endure and survive, to be honest. So far it has worked wonderfully, with no side effects, but I am trying not to get my hopes up. It has also reduced the manic issues at night (although obviously sleep is still a challenge for me.)

What I learned, having read various books about bipolar in the last few months, is that it can be very different than the (media driven?) image I had in my mind, and that the reality is much more variable, but in my case, it does explain a lot.

Hope this helps.

Ethyl · 12-22-2007, 11:55 PM

I wouldn't necessarily call it a choice. I wouldn't choose to have this problem. But, I believe many times it can be controlled. As mentioned, therapists will give you tools to use to help. I was first diagnosed around 15 (although, I know I've had mood disorders since I can remember-I was 8 when I had my first panic attack).
VJP said: It seems in a lot of ways that depression kind of is a choice, and certainly a lot of people who haven't experienced it, dismiss it as some sort of lifestyle choice.
I agree with this statement 100%. I've had so many people, including my husband, that has told me to just "snap out of it," or some other helpful advise. (I'm being sarcastic there.) There are also different degrees of depression. I had to leave college my senior year because I was sleeping around 20 hours a day. I rarely went to class, ate sometimes, and turned off my phone so I didn't have to listen to the poor people trying to help me. At that point, I just didn't care. Not one treatment works for everyone, either. Some may be able to talk themselves out of it, which is great. Some need to experiment with medication to find the right mix. Some need a mix of treatments. I think it can be dangerous for people with depression to be told it is a choice. If someone believes that, and just can't "choose" to get out of it, then I think it could make that condition that much worse, and feel even worse about themselves. But, being aware of the problem, and knowing that this is a condition has helped motivate me, and prevented me from thinking that I'm a bad person for being this way. Fortunately, I am currently in the upper levels from my depression where I can function and have moments of joy. I -almost- feel normal. I just went to a new doctor for a check up, and she agreed that with my history, that I should still take medication. Hopefully, this will prevent or subside a reoccurance. My husband still thinks that it is more of a choice, and I think he's a little upset with me taking the meds, but I say

If you've been there, you really don't want to go back. If I had been on medication this whole time, I don't think that I would have had so many episodes.

BeccaUK · 01-03-2008, 10:42 PM

i think my story is a little different, but i would like to share it if i may. i won't go into full detail, cos that would take forever!

i have been depressed since i was literally about 9 years old. it tends to swing between so bad i wouldn't leave my bedroom and if i did i wouldn't leave the house, to self harm, to feeling ok enough to get on with things to genuine positive periods.
there were alot of reasons for my depression. part of it was because i had this massive thing to deal with and i had to do it on my own with no support at all till i met my husband. i kind of got into this negative feedback loop, and my family helped to feed it. i always thought 'no one notices me when i'm down, no one notices me when i'm trying to be happy or even when i am happy, so whats the point in trying?'

a big part of the solution was to cut out the main negative influence which unfortunately for me was my entire family. occassionally i feel alone when people say how close they are to their mums and dads, but i am far happier without them.

for years i have written in a diary. and when i read them back it helps because then i know i have made progress and i can see what affects me.
i was always reluctant to go on drugs. where i am in the uk, the docs usually just want to put you straight onto anti-depressants. but i wanted to know that if i was happy, it was my doing. i had lots of counselling, but that only worked short term.

in recent years i confess i have a bit of an overeating problem. i ate for comfort and would carry on eating huge dinners, snacking, especially on sweet things, and just eat for england.
i'm managing to break out of it now. every time i want something to eat and its not dinner, or a meal time, i see it as a competition with myself. i resist and resist and eventually the feeling goes away. and now i am actually starting to lose weight.

is depression a choice? i think it can be sometimes. but more often than not, its not a conscious decision, we just don't know how else to act.

Lola22 · 01-06-2008, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dani_bones

I've always just thought that I'm weak and lazy and not strong enough. So I try and pull myself out and I feel good about my momentum, start to pull out of the depression and then almost go into a manic episode where I'm eating less, sleeping less, being productive, and feeling smiley, motivated positive and happy. Then I crash and in a about a week to 10 days I'm fully depressed not wanting to see or talk to anyone, do anythingm or get out bed. It's a FIGHT to get in the shower. I'll look around at what needs to be done and just feel too overwhelmed to do anything. Then I feel guilty because I'm just making myself this way. Like how could anyone be happy if they weren't doing anything?

Whoa....That's me. I got chills reading that. I seem to constantly be having a therapy session with myself inside my head trying to talk myself through each day. It's like there are two of me in one brain. (not literally, I'm not that bad! LOL.) There's a positive, rational,and energetic version (good) and a depressed, angry, irrational, and lazy version (bad) of me sharing the same space in my head. The good half usually talks down the bad half, but she get's extremely exhausted doing that all of the time, so sometimes the bad half wins. Does that make sense at all? I agree that depression can be controlled to some extent, but not entirely. I can't make myself feel better all of the time but sometimes I can. ???

calmwaters · 01-06-2008, 03:39 PM

[quote=dani_bones;1888831824]
So I try and pull myself out and I feel good about my momentum, start to pull out of the depression and then almost go into a manic episode where I'm eating less, sleeping less, being productive, and feeling smiley, motivated positive and happy. QUOTE]

I'm just wondering as I am also in the midst of depression (not treated - just w-a-i-t-i-n-g for winter to be OVER and then I'll be normal again.) I am confused by your description of your almost manic episode. THat sounds like episodes of normal to me, and by normal I mean not depressed. Can intermitant depression mixed with periods of normalness be considered bipolar?

ivetastedflight · 01-06-2008, 06:34 PM

I don't think so... I think that one or more true manic episodes have to be present to consider bipolar disorder, otherwise the disorder is Unipolar - Depression. Well there is Unipolar Mania, too, but it is relatively rare.

What Dani may be describing is called hypomania. They are definitely not normal behavior. ^.^ I have only been "blessed" enough to experience just a few of these episodes. My mania is full-blown-yelling-racing-thoughts-hallucinate-kick-holes-in-the-walls-not-sleep-ever-again-psychotic mania.

People with bipolar disorder have an average of thirty percent more of an important class of signal-sending brain cells. There are some studies (although not entirely conclusive) that show that hippocampal abnormalities, white matter lesions, and variants in APOE-4 genetics also play a role in many people's mental illness.

My manic-depression is not a choice, and if it was, I wouldn't willingly choose to put my family through it and my life on the line because of it. I can't imagine anyone doing that. I am making the choice instead to help myself recover and stabilize in anyway I see fit mentally and emotionally, despite the chemical imbalances and physical differences in my brain that make me behave the way I was born to.

pal · 01-07-2008, 04:57 AM

This is a good discussion. I'd say that my depression is NOT my choice. I fought it for years and years, with therapy, very good lifestyle and lots of exercise (exercise helped alot, it's a natural upper.) However, at some point a pdoc made me realize I didn't need the constant stuggle of mood swings and suggested trying drugs. I resisted, but then finally (when I realized I really might get so depressed that I could kill myself) I tried meds. Bingo! It's so incredible to live without constantly fighting the big downs. My experience is similar to Bethann and others here: off and on major depression (which are hard to pull out of) and moderate ups (that I could usually control). In my case, the depression seems to be pretty much a physical problem, much helped by meds. Now, I CHOOSE to work on the problems caused by living for many years with an untreated medical condition.

Betwixt · 01-07-2008, 10:16 AM

At first when I read the "depression is a choice", I got kinda ticked, because I feel like mine has never been a choice. I've sorted a lot of my history out with shrinks, I've tried pills, I've really -worked- on my issues. But still, I have my bouts. But then I think of friends of mine, who seem to ENJOY wallowing in their constant misery, and I almost want to slap the s*** out of them. They have these seemingly great lives outside of their depression. (I'm thinking of one specifically, admittedly.) I always think, you know, I can't imagine being depressed if I were you. The one individual doesn't really even seem to try to work on whatever issues they might have. I dunno, maybe I'm just being judgmental. But I honestly can't see why they are really depressed.

I do think there's a difference between environmentally brought on depression, ie, depression brought on by history or past or traumatic events, etc, and biochemical depression, ie, depression from bad chemicals in your head/body. I think I've had environmentally triggered depression, because a lot of the things that seem to make me spiral into a bad day tend to be things that remind me of the bad stuff.

Sharmayla · 01-23-2008, 01:01 PM

I hate it when people say depression is a choice. I'm not supposed to be depressed because if I left my facial hair alone, I would look like one of those guys in ZZTop? I'm not supposed to be depressed because I grew up being ridiculed before I even got this PCOS? I'm not supposed to be depressed because I grew up an abused and neglected child? I'm not supposed to be depressed because I never grew boobs and therefore never felt like a female? I'm not supposed to be depressed because I had the MIL & SIL from Hell? I'm not supposed to be depressed because I felt I had no choice but to marry to get away from my dad? I'm not supposed to be depressed because I finally met the man I wanted to be with when I was 33, but suddenly started sprouting facial hair and thought "he'll never want me now!", so I let him get away?

Yea, right. Depression is a choice.