Depression Leading to Anger???

VanessaKC · 03-13-2007, 04:26 PM

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride daily! With everyone telling me things will get better or it's just not my time but most have just stopped asking if we're still TTC. I went from leading the pack in TTC to the last with no kids (when most have +3).

It took over 4 years of specialists to figure out I was a soulcyster. And I've gone from frustration to depression to flat out anger at this point. I can't even watch TV programs with kids in it because it depresses me then I think about all the people I know that can't even handle the responsibility of a child (yet have many) and it just turns to anger. I can't even feel happy for any of my friends that having kids. Especially when they say they had a 'hard time' conceiving (a month or two), at least they are trying to relate.

Is all this normal? To have such anger after years of frustration!!!!

VanessaPem · 03-13-2007, 10:56 PM

Vanessa,
I know exactly how you feel. The only difference is that I have 1 child, she was born 3-25-01 and is getting ready to turn 6. All I can think of is why is everyone else able to get pregnant but now I can't. I was diagnosed in July of '06 and have been on Metformin, Provera and even started Clomid. I have been doing regular workouts and trying to eat better. BUT everytime I walk through the baby section of Walmart or Target, I cry, in the open. My best friend in the whole world is on her 6th baby (in 8 yrs) and another friend is on her 2nd. You read about how PCOS is so common, yet it seems like no one I know has it. I feel like friends of mine just think about sex and BOOM, guess what we're having a baby. I have to believe though that it will happen again, and as much as I want to get down and have a pitty party (trust me I want one at least once a day) I can't, I have to have a positive mind to keep me going. If you want to talk, just let me know. Your feelings are completely justified! Take care

VanessaKC · 03-14-2007, 11:37 AM

I've been doing soooo good the last few years (4), keeping positive and hoping
for the best. I just keep thinking if I can have one baby then if we have
anymore it would be a bonus (it's that #1 anticipation).

In the last 2 years, we have had 8 new babies born into the family. I was the first to tell everyone that we were trying, so it just makes it more depressing to be one of the last (my older cousin has fertility issues as well). The two of us support one another and try not to get into the baby boom blues but it's been so hard lately.

I have one friend whos child was taken away about 5 years ago and they've
decided to try for another baby and sure enough they're pregnant already.
Another friend who spends his entire day arguing and fighting with his
girlfriend and yep they're pregnant. My D/H and I have a great relationship and
he's so supportive but yet nothing for us. He always said he wanted to have
kids out of the way by the time he was 30, but he just turned 31. Now we have
to wait on me! It's very frustrating but reassuring to know that there are
other people, maybe not in your immediate circle of friends or family, that are
feeling and going through the same emotions/issues as you.

I'm going in for Laparoscopic Ovarian Cautery surgery on May 18. I am hoping
for the best. I have recently started smoking again so I have to stop that
before then and also keeping plugging away with trying to exercise, eat right
and lose weight. I've been slacking on the exercising because I haven't felt
like doing much of anything. I think going to workout today might be exactly
what I need!

Good luck to you too. I was on Clomid for over a year, then Metformin with one
cycle of Clomid and now the surgery (a fresh start is the way I look at it).
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

VanessaKC · 03-14-2007, 11:39 AM

I've been doing soooo good the last few years (4), keeping positive and hoping
for the best. I just keep thinking if I can have one baby then if we have
anymore it would be a bonus. In the last 2 years, we have had 8 new babies born
into the family. I was the first to tell everyone that we were trying, so it
just makes it more depressing to be one of the last (my older cousin has
fertility issues as well). The two of us support one another and try not to get
into the baby boom blues but it's been so hard lately.

I have one friend whos child was taken away about 5 years ago and they've
decided to try for another baby and sure enough they're pregnant already.
Another friend who spends his entire day arguing and fighting with his
girlfriend and yep they're pregnant. My D/H and I have a great relationship and
he's so supportive but yet nothing for us. He always said he wanted to have
kids out of the way by the time he was 30, but he just turned 31. Now we have
to wait on me! It's very frustrating but reassuring to know that there are
other people, maybe not in your immediate circle of friends or family, that are
feeling and going through the same emotions/issues as you.

I'm going in for Laparoscopic Ovarian Cautery surgery on May 18. I am hoping
for the best. I have recently started smoking again so I have to stop that
before then and also keeping plugging away with trying to exercise, eat right
and lose weight. I've been slacking on the exercising because I haven't felt
like doing much of anything. I think going to workout today might be exactly
what I need!

Good luck to you too. I was on Clomid for over a year, then Metformin with one
cycle of Clomid and now the surgery (a fresh start is the way I look at it).
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

sherita461972 · 03-14-2007, 02:18 PM

I know exactly how you feel...sorta. A neighbor of mine just had a baby, and she had tried for 3 maybe 4 months - and she just goes on and on about how hard it was for her to get pregnate. It really ticks me off that she has a baby because she is a terriable mom. The other day, I got upset with her and stood up and said, "Why don't you complain when you've waited 14 years!"

And about the depression... yep, I feel really sorry for my husband because I've been so unpredictable...and moody. Does it ever get better, do I need to take meds?

VanessaKC · 03-14-2007, 02:47 PM

Sherita, yes it does get better! You've found this website and its a start. I just joined yesterday but after the day I had I thought I was totally alone. Quickly I'm seeing that there are plenty of women that have all the emotional ups and downs that I have. I'm feeling better already just knowing that I'm not alone!

A friend of mine always tells me, never look down on other people unless you're helping them up. I try to keep that in mind when I get frustrated with people for trying to relate with me or when I get angry at "unfit" parents. I am learning to cope with my anger/jealousy issues. I have to understand that I need to work with what I was given and not be angry at people who do not understand what a gift a child is. I might currently have no human children but I am the best furbaby mom ever. Not to mention a top-notch Aunt to my beautiful niece. I use them to assist me when a having a 'motherly' day.

We get what we put out to the world. If we're negative all the time then people will pick up on that and eventually be negative towards you. The best thing is to stay positive and on the days that you can't vent to the people that understand you or your issues. If you still feel like you are depressed then you should seek medical help (counseling or otherwise).

But just remember we're all in this together!!

craftyshutterbug · 03-14-2007, 09:00 PM

Vanessa,

Yes, it is quite normal to feel anger and frustration. Anger turned inward is depression; your depression has finally become more external. It's absolutely normal! It's the next step in that whole roller coaster of emotions those of us with PCOS go through in dealing with others.

VanessaPem · 03-15-2007, 12:06 PM

Vanessa,
I have told myself many many times, eat right and excercise and never followed through. FINALLY I have stuck with it. I am eating 3 meals a day and making sure to eat at least 3 servings of fruit. I have gone to whole wheat and am excercising for 25 minutes a day. I bought that Tony Little Gazelle and I LOVE IT!!! I have it in the living room and will watch TV while doing it and half the time lose myself and not realize I have been going for like a half hour. WE can do it, don't lose hope yet, I know it may seem easy for me to say since I have a child BUT to watch everyone around you have babies is disheartening, I know that. Just keep your chin up! I am not overly religious but I do believe that God has a plan for everyone, maybe he just hasn't finished working on yours yet.

VanessaKC · 03-15-2007, 12:57 PM

Sometimes I feel like a just need to rant and rave like a lunatic! Then I get grounded by reality and I'm fine. I just keep working on the things that keep me happy. My cousin is a great supporter of me. She is going through the same thing (though we both didn't know it till this year) but she is 12 years older than me. I figure if she can stay positive and 'keep the hope alive' then I can too!

If/when it happens then it will make it that much better and more memorable for D/H and me. We are the best furbaby parents ever now though. We have 2 dogs (Destiny and Goliath), 2 chinchillas (Pearle and Rex), 2 snakes (Montana Lee and Twiggy), and a portly pacman frog (Caligula). We spend our time with them and are currently planning a fishing trip for us and the dogs. We go everywhere with them, so if they're not welcome then neither are we.....lol.

Do you find the exercise part of your lifestyle daunting? I lost 25 pounds during this last year but have hit a plateau of 185lbs since November. I workout and eat right and I stay the same as if I did nothing.....that's not right.

I had a workout partner but she was less motivated than I was. I'd call her ready to go then she would back out then both of us wouldn't go. Then D/H and I joined a gym together and he was just as bad....'I don't need to work out I'm skin and bones already' (He's 5'10" and 155lbs). I'm making a workout schedule to follow next week, I do better if a organize what I'm going to accomplish each day. But I get bored very quickly so I will try making a few schedules to switch up the pace every week. I find strength training to be the best though, I might not lose lbs but I lose inches (does that make sense?). It's all about retraining my body to all the changes that I've undergone in the last 5 years (it took them five years to figure out that I had PCOS).

wantnbbs · 03-15-2007, 02:55 PM

i am the same way..... i actually have started to resent people with kids, it had made me kinda angry , it is something that i am trying to deal with...... good luck, my prayers are with you!!

Julia Escalante · 03-17-2007, 08:52 AM

WOW, I have been through a battery of procedure including mounds of prescriptions tests specialists that are hours away and 13 surgeries the last being a total hysterectomy after enduring chemo YES I know all to well how you feel I am angry and i have been angry since the last surgery. People dont realize that infertility and the emotions linked with it are nearly identitical of one who is mourning the death of a very close loved one There are five stages of mourning and more than likley you will cycle through those stages over and over until you can come to terms with things. And good luck because I still cant. You are mourning the loss of something that noone else can appreciate because you are the only one who feels the reality of the situation every month. Good Luck to you and God Bless you in all of your endevors!! Julia