Depression and SI

Taelynna · 07-11-2009, 04:14 AM

I have been struggling with my depression for a long time now. I started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago and I have been on and off medication for two years now. I don't know if my depression is connected to my PCOS or some of the other medications I'm on or if it's just genetic. I'm really struggling with cutting though. I want to stop but it's really difficult for me. I will go a month or two or sometimes more without cutting and then slip up and do it again. Sometimes I will go back into cutting a lot. I stopped cutting for about four months and then slipped up and cut one day again. It's been almost two months since then again. I'm really trying for 6 months. The sixth month mark will be on my birthday and I want to know if anyone has any suggestions or even if anyone else is struggling with it here. I haven't noticed any threads about it.

sunstarmoon777 · 07-12-2009, 02:42 PM

Hey. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I tried cutting about 4 years ago when I was in the lowest and darkest bout of depression I've ever been in. I can recall how good it made me feel but that also scared me; it's so dangerous. I cut for about a month. Then I went and saw a really great psychologist. I don't think that works for everyone.

When I am feeling really anxious or upset now...I try to write. Sometimes when I look back it makes no sense and other times I feel like I've written a gut-wrenching masterpiece. Either way everything that was upsetting me is out of me and on paper. Paper can be destroyed, hidden, shown to others. So you may want to try that.

Also therapy and medication may work but you have to be consistent. You also have to like the doctor. So many people give up and say that their therapy isn't working when it make just be your doctor isn't right for you. Don't be afraid to Dr. shop. You also have to speak up and let your Dr. know if you meds don't seem to be working. If you don't like meds try the holistic route or talk to a therapist who specializes in Cognitive-Behavior therapy.

If you need to talk to someone I will listen. Don't hesitate to get in touch with me. xo

melisadenny · 07-22-2009, 11:11 AM

I know a young man that cuts himself. When he is with me I keep him busy but alone at his own home he gets bored and nervous. It is a serious mental disorder because bleeding to death is always the risk you take. Stay outside, get a job, get two jobs, stay so busy you forget to cut.

BiPolarBear · 07-22-2009, 04:58 PM

It's been months and months since I've last self injured. Cutting was a huge part of my life and when I feel myself lapse back into depression I fantasize about it constantly. I refuse to touch the knife because of my boyfriend. He cares for me so much and if I would give into my desires, he would be so hurt! I couldn't live with that. I've already hurt him enough through doing it in the past.
I won't lie, it's so difficult to get to the point where you're ready to give up cutting completely. As a comfort, I still keep razorblades in my room but have not touched them. If I didn't have them in my room, that would prompt me to get creative and find another source of injury (such as visiting the garage and searching for something sharp). Because they're so easy to access from being in my room, it reminds me how easy it is to just say no to them and leave them alone.
Even when I'm not depressed, I still fantasize about all the good feelings that come from cutting. I would cut just to cut, because I was bored, because I was manic, and so on and so forth. Making cutting not a part of your life anymore is such a difficult thing to accomplish because it becomes the first response to your troubles/issues. If you feel a certain way, you cut. It's automatic because it works for you every time. You need to establish a list of alternatives and let that become your automatic - going to that list. Instead of cutting, you will read a book or take a walk for example (or whatever else you have written on your list). From going through the suggestions of alternatives on your list, you will eventually find your new automatics. You will no longer have to resort to your old stand-by of cutting first.
Luck to you! If you have any questions or need to talk, feel free to PM me.

Taelynna · 07-23-2009, 02:29 PM

It's been a little over two months since I last cut. I'm trying to make it to six months. If I make it this time it will be my birthday present to myself that I did not cut for six months.

It is really hard though. I have tried to stop multiple times before. I haven't cut in two months because of my boyfriend though. I love him too much. It's still really hard.

I do try to find alternatives. I tried the rubber band thing at one point, but found that I really liked flicking it against myself really hard and would just hurt myself in other ways. I sometimes pinch myself or dig my nails in. It's not quite the same effect but I know that is not healthy either.

I did see a therapist for a few months. I liked her. She gave me ideas that apparently I was already doing in my younger years because of my depression. To be honest I can't remember a time when I have been okay enough to say, no I didn't need help at that time, whether I was getting it or not.

The problem mainly for me, is that my depression in the past several years has reached such a low that none of the things I used to do seem to do it for me anymore. I love to read but even when I'm in a decent mood it is incredibly hard to get myself into a book and just read. I love to write as well, but that seems just as hard now, because I can't seem to go off into my own little world so to speak.

I used to constantly imagine other places and characters and what they would be doing, completely blocking out the world, which is apparently a technique my therapist told me to try but it's really hard to do it now. I have been trying to regain that ability. It's an upward battle. She also thought that the fact that I could not do it anymore was because my mind was telling me that I could handle what life was throwing at me again. I don't really have anything to say to that theory other than that I had ended up cutting because I apparently really couldn't handle it and cutting would sometimes give me that same effect of blocking out the entire world while I was doing it.

I stopped seeing the therapist after my first visit with the psychiatrist she sent my too. I liked my therapist. I did not like the psychiatrist. And knowing that they worked together and I was referred to the psychiatrist by my therapist just sort of wrecked the idea of going to see the therapist again. I felt weird telling her I don't like the psychiatrist you referred me to. I don't feel comfortable with her.

I have been off depression medication for a few months now as well because the psychiatrist was supposed to get me on new stuff that would actually help me rather than the stuff I was on.

I haven't cut in two months though, so I am not currently looking to go back to therapy. If I gave in and cut again I might go back. But my therapist doesn't know about when I cut two months ago. The last time I cut was in February in her mind, before I started seeing her.

I told my boyfriend that it was a trigger to see razors because it made me want to cut even when I wasn't in a particularly depressed state so he took all the razors out of the bathroom and hid them. I still know where all of mine are but I have to get them out before I go to the bathroom, so going into the bathroom isn't such an ordeal now at least.

I honestly have no idea what might or might not work for me to keep me on track and not cutting. I'm just sort of taking it one day at a time. Some days are a lot easier not to cut.

Thank you for replying to this post.

It really does make me feel better just to know there are supportive people out there. Other than my boyfriend, everyone else has just sort of abandoned me when I told them I was a cutter and asked for help. They were too freaked out by it, didn't know what to do, and they just took it for granted that just being there and being supportive might actually help. They just don't want anything to do with it.

COLDstar13 · 07-27-2009, 08:06 PM

Therapy is what helped me stop. I still fall back into sometimes but it has been nearly a year since I did it last. A lot of people roll their eyes at therapy, but honestly you just gotta find a therapist that works for you, even if that means going through 5-6. Another thing that helped me is making a list of things that I can do to try and distract myself. Things that make me feel better. Listen to music, write, watch a movie etc. And usually that would work and I would end up not cutting, but sometimes it wouldn't, but I wouldn't feel as bad, knowing that I was trying to stop.

satalitegirl · 07-27-2009, 08:57 PM

Its been three years since I last cut myself. I have battled with depression for 15 years on and off. I have been on medication many times (been off them for a year I think). There are definate links to PCOS and depression because of the imbalance of hormones. What helped me stop cutting was my hubby (we met when I had my worst incident), everytime I feel like doing it I think about how upset my hubby would be.
Also counselling really helped me because I had chance to work out why I was depressed, what the triggers were and how the old me would deal with the problem (abusing drink, food, cutting etc). Whenever I get a really bad moment I have a trigger song and place I imagine in my head (place I feel calm) and that worked for me.
You have made a great achievement to be not cutting for two months, just take one day at a time, distractions are very good (I used to paint, they were awful but the distraction was enough). If you wanna talk you can always PM me, I know how hard it is when friends dont understand the way you feel.