Depression Is Starting To Be A Way Of Life

LadyZeta89 · 03-27-2004, 03:33 AM

I have been so depressed over the last few weeks. It really comes and goes. I'm not depressed all the time but when it hits... it makes up for lost time.
I am a Pediatric nurse. I might as well be in prison some times because I am surrounded by children all day and I am having so many problems having my own. It seems like everyone I work with is pregnant or has just had a baby therefore, all the conversation is about pregnancy and babies. I put on a plastic smile and act like it doesn't feel like daggers through my heart to hear them talk of their kids. I have handled this well for the past 2 yrs but yesterday about done me in. I felt like I was in a closed room where all of the oxygen was shut off and I was suffocating and was sure to die.
I guess it is not bad enough that I am on Glucophage XR 2000mg a day and have no idea how my body will react and when . I have been taking Clomid on days 5-9 of my cycle for the past 3 months and it hasn't worked yet. No that is not completely true... I had a missed pregnancy this month. It just wouldn't attach. But to top that, one of my co-workers is going to MY fertility dr. She is probably a size 1 or 2 and has only actively tried to have a baby for the past few months. She has only been going to my dr. less than a month and is already on Clomid. I have this absolutely nauseating feeling she will get pregnant before me. That is just how my luck runs. This sounds so petty I know but... I am now the new reference person on infertility issues and I rather not be but because of the PCOS I am slowly becoming an expert.
I really think my co-worker is a great person but I just don't know if I really like her going to my dr. I know...I don't own my dr. but this is just more stress I could live without.
I have considered talking to my dr. about anti-depressants. I really didn't realize how depressed I am until yesterday. No lie... I cried about 75-90% of the day. At work even!!
My major problem and it is hard to admit it but I feel less than a woman because I haven't been able to have a baby. I know it is silly but that is how my brain works sometimes. I guess part of the problem is I see 12 and 13 yr olds having babies and me being 34 is having difficulties. I see way too often abused children. THAT TOTALLY OUTRAGES ME!! I am having problems and some IDIOT has decided to take the child God blessed them with and either shake it and cause brain damage and eye injuries, take an extremity and twist it like they are wringing a wet towel or just beat it up. Where is the justice???
I still believe my day is still coming but it is just the waiting I am having a problem with.

LISA H · 03-27-2004, 04:15 AM

I HAVE SOOOO BEEN EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE NOW......THE FIRST TIME I WAS PG I MISSED AROUND THE SAME TIME A COWORKER HAD GOTTEN PG ALSO.....AFTER I MISSED I COULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT HER.....SHE IS A GREAT PERSON BUT I HATED HER!!!......SO NOT FAIR BECAUSE IT WASN'T HER FAULT I WASN'T PG......AT THE SAME TIME THERE WAS A STORY IN THE NEWS ABOUT A GIRL WHO WENT TO HER PROM DELIEVED HER BABY IN THE BATHROOM PUT HIM IN THE GARBAGE AND WENT BACK TO DANCING......UGHHHHH THAT JUST KILLED ME.......I CRIED ALL THE TIME....ONCE I GOT PG WITH NICHOLAS I WAS MORE SENSITIVE TO OTHERS WHO WERE HAVING FERTILITY PROBLEMS.....I WOULD GO OUT OF MY WAY TO AVOID THEM JUST NOT TO MAKE THEM FEEL BAD.....AS A RESULT I WOUND UP FEELING GUILTY FOR A GOOD PART OF MY FIRST TRIMESTER......WE CAN'T HELP THESE FEELINGS AND AT TIMES IT DOES SEEM SOOOO UNFAIR BUT YOUR TIME WILL COME I'M SURE OF IT.....GOOD LUCK!!!!

LaurieAnne83 · 03-28-2004, 02:20 AM

Have you ever thought about adopting...?

LaurieAnne83 · 03-28-2004, 02:25 AM

If it makes you feel better..lol..and you're goign to think I'm a total nut, but some of me and my friends who never wnat children were talking about how we think its gross our bodies CAN eeven make babies, and the whole female reproduction system makes us feellike stupid submissive earth housewives or something, and that having kids shouldve been distributed equally among men or women or something..lol But I seriously doubt I personally could have a baby, obviously, cuz of PCOS, I don't have a period unless I take a BCP..