Depression versus PCOS, like the egg before the chicken debate.

DamagedYoung · 06-27-2003, 04:30 AM

Hi everybody, this is the only post I've made. I'm 19, and I was diagnosed with PCOS last year. I know that it's good that I know now, before I'm trying to become pregnant, but I can't help but wish I had known years ago. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but if it IS the main reason that I've grown up overweight and depressed between my two thin pretty sisters, then I think I would have liked to know. Even now I can't help but think the PCOS is my fault, that I might not have 'developed' it if I had controlled my weight (both my sisters were tested, and neither has PCOS). Or maybe even the superstitious thought that I deserve the PCOS. I feel like I'm being bitter and petty, but I'm always thinking how I'd trade all my current medical junk (depression, obesity, and then all the ugliness-inducing symptoms that go along with PCOS) for one serious disease. I truly don't want to offend anyone when I say that, but I feel like if I had something like cancer instead of all these, then at least I could enjoy whatever life I had left, live on the beach and have no obligations (and have a love affair, like some sappy movie). Instead, I'm healthy physically (excluding PCOS, but most people I've told don't consider it "serious" enough to call a disease), but I'm unhappy and lonely and not even twenty with one suicide attempt already in my past. So now I'm living at home and working as a nanny, trying to get accepted to transfer colleges and 'move on with my life.' And trying desperately to figure out how to like myself. It just seems like the PCOS is another strike against me, you know? The one dream I had left, that I figured I could probably achieve, was having children. I've wanted to be a mom since I was about 4 years old. Although I'm not sure I can find a guy who will want to marry me anyway - I've never had a single guy show interest in me. I feel so guilty for even writing this, I always feel ashamed when I act self-pitying. But don't get alarmed, I'm not suicidal or anything, I'm actually trying to take positive steps. I'm in therapy, on the pill and glucophage, eating more low-carb, and trying to muster the motivation to work out regularly at the gym. I'm sorry if my post upsets anyone or depresses them, I know it's really pessimistic and whiny, but I felt like venting. Good luck to everybody seeking their own dream fulfillments!

Sheepishly,
Mandy