Today, I have to do a devotion, and I'm going to talk about Eric. I've been putting off writing it because its going to be really hard for me. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be until I started writing it. Anyway, I wanted to get your input and opinions. Here it is!
-- When I was go to college, I couldn't decide on a major. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I liked science, I liked psychology, and I liked Engllish. I ended up not finishing a degree because I could not figure out what I wanted to do.
6 years ago, I started developing symptoms of a disorder that could make it hard for me to have a baby. I was also gaining weight, I was miserable. I went to a couple doctors, and they couldn't figure out was wrong with me. I was anxious and depressed. I had no idea what was going on. Then I was finally diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome in April of 2004. My doctor to me to lose weight and exercise, to see if that would straighten my body out.
My sister gave birth to my nephew that May, and I became obsessed with having a baby. I knew I might have trouble getting pregnant, and I just wanted to be a mommy. I starting eating right and exercising all the time, and the weight started melting off. By October, I'd lost 20 lbs and I was regular for the first time in 3 years. I still hadn't gotten pregnant, but we weren't really trying.
Finally, in June of 2005, I got sick of waiting around, so I went to a guidance counselor at Lakeland to talk about going back to school. That week, I got pregnant, but didn't find out til 3 weeks later. I was so excited! But I still wanted to go back in the fall. I'd never been happier. I felt like this is what I'd been waiting for, to be a mommy. I was even excited about morning sickness. I couldn't believe it though, I kept thinking there was something wrong.
The next week, I started spotting. I was so worried, but I kept thinking that maybe it would be ok. It was brown, not red, and I know some people spot and have healthy babies. On the Fourth of July, it turned to bright red, so DJ and I went to the ER. They told me I might still miscarry, but I was still pregnant at the time. So I was still pregnant, and everything was still ok.
But I was still so worried. Every time I walked more than 5 minutes, I'd start spotting. I was so scared. All my doctor's appts were good, the baby had a heart beat every month, but I was so had a bad feeling. I prayed all the time. Sometimes I would just cry and beg God to let me keep the baby.
In mid-December, my back and pelvis started hurting. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand up. For a week it got worse, and I didn't think I could make it the 12 weeks I had left. On Sunday the 11th, I started spotting again, and I called my doctor, and he told me to come in the next day at 9. I spent the whole night awake because I really knew I was in labor. I barely got any sleep, The next morning, I took a nap before my appt instead taking a shower, because I was so tired.
When I went in, they checked me, and I was leaking amniotic fluid. I was sent to University hospital. We thought we were going to have a preemie. I thought we were going to hae to arrange everything, like Christmas and my baby shower. But that was ok, as long as the baby was ok.
They did an ultrasound, and the girl didn't say anything. She went to get another doctor, and they sent me down to the ultrasound room. They wouldn't tell us anything. After 3 extra people came in the room, and i could hear them talking, I freaked out and asked what was wrong. They still hadn't told us, but I knew something was really wrong. They finally told us that our baby had birth defects and at that point they didn't think he'd make it. I was so upset, but I looked at DJ and told him, "Seem I TOLD you there was something wrong!"
My parents, my aunt, and DJ's aunt and uncle came up to the hospital, and we told them our baby wasn't going to make it. It took awhile for it to sink in I think. We were told our "options." I couldn't legally be induced in Ohio because I was already 28 weeks. They were going to talk to the ethics board to see if they could make an exception.
I didn't want to anyway, or need to. I was already in labor. I'd been having contractions for a week, but they didn't pick up on the monitor. My aunt who's a nurse noticed that I was complaining every 15 minutes, and I was already leaking fluid. That night at 11:15, my water broke. Then I started passing clots, but I wasn't having hard contractions. They rushed me to the labor and delivery floor. There, they checked for his heartbeat, but they couldn't find it. Eric was born still at 1:38 in the morning. He was 1 lb 7 oz and was 11 1/4 inches long. He looked exactly like his father.
That next day, we got to spend time with him. We read him a story, sang to him, and told him how much we loved him. My stepmom, sister, mom and both our aunts got to see him. We got some pictures of him, and a memory box and a bear that we named Bearic.
Through this whole ordeal, I really felt God with me. I knew He was there. I could feel his presence like I can feel all yours. And I felt Eric too. I knew he was with God. It was amazing. I was so content, it was kind of scary. I thought there was something wrong with me. I was still sad, but sometimes I got this feeling of happiness because I knew it was going to be ok.
I ended up finding LCC because of Eric. My stepmom knew I needed support, and her friend came here. She contacted the Pregnancy Care Ministry, and I talked to ---- (I don't want to post her name). I also heard about Mastering Motherhood, and even though I wasn't parenting, I still wanted to go. We started the March after Eric was born. I had nothing to do. I hadn't gone to school because I was so nervous about walking around, and I couldn't start in January because I wasn't ready.
Its a good thing I started going to Mastering Motherhood. I wa given the go-ahead to try again in April, but I was really nervous. I think if I wasn't going to Mastering Motherhood, I would have been too scared to try again. I was starting to lose that need to be a mommy. I also had this feeling that the next baby would be healthy. It was like someone was whispering to me that it was ok to try again.
5.5 months after Eric was born, I got pregnant again. The test didn't come up positive at first, but I still knew I was pregnant. Finally it was really faint, but I knew I was pregnant. My duedate was Feb 17th, Eric's was the 25th. I wasn't that excited, but as time went on, I started to bond with the baby. It was hard, but that feeling that the baby would be ok got me through.
Both of my kids have taught me so many things already. I learned a lot from Eric, and Gideon has reinforced it.
1: You have to accept people for who and what they are, especially your kids. You can't try to change them, they are who they are.
2: You have to be there for them the way they need you, not the way you want to.
3: I learned what unconditional love is.
4:The hardest part about being a parent is when they don't need you anymore.
5: I learned who God is, and that He really does love us.
6: Being a parent means you have to put yourself on the back burner.
7: Things are completely out of our control.
8: We can expect something, or plan for it, but it can be changed or taken away in an instant.
9: Learned how God must love us. He's our Father, and if we love our kids just a little like He loves us, it must be amazing.
10: We can never truly be prepared for anything. We can try to overprepare, but sometimes we just have to give it over to God.
__________________ Molly
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BFP 12/23/08 M/C at appr. 5-8 weeks-nothing on the u/s To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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__________________ Melissa (30) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH (32)
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DS #2 Carson Ronald born 7/27/09!
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Yeah, they did cry! It went well, I think. I added a couple things, a coupe funny parts. And I couldn't say that Eric looked like his daddy. That really makes me sad for some reason.
Thank you for reading it for me! I really appreciate it!
__________________ Suzi and Lamar
PCOS and MF
TTC baby #1 since 2002
BFP March 2005!
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Eliana Imani Walcott born 01-26-2009
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__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
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Devotion for Eric (living child talked about) 
