DH & I are disagreeing!

VivC · 11-13-2004, 05:10 AM

I know that you guys have all been through this, so I'd appreciate any input you can give me.

I KNOW that DH loved Rivi as much as I did. That is not at question. But, it's only been a little over a month since we lost our little guy, and DH is already wanting to try again as soon as the doc okays it.

I'm not ready yet. I don't know when I'll be ready. Part of me never wants to risk hurting this much again. I told DH that I was scared, and he said I need to get over my fear or we'll never have a family. He has a point, but how do I get past the fear?

I know that if I refuse to get pregnant for awhile, it will cause major problems between us, right when we've finally straightened ourselves out (thanks to Rivi). And I feel guilty (I know that's not logical) that he still doesn't have a family after 8 years of marriage - first, I couldn't get pregnant, then I lost our little miracle baby.

Did any of you guys have this problem? How did you handle it?

Hayles · 11-13-2004, 10:55 AM

Viv sorry I cant answer your q's dh was willing to wait until I was ready the only advice I have is wait till you are ready for you may live to regret it if ya dont. Good luck I hope everything works out for you both & (((HUGS))))

SheriKCMO · 11-13-2004, 11:02 AM

Viv,
This kind of tragedy can tear a couple apart. I'm so sorry that you two aren't on the same page. I have two suggestions for this problem, one to buy time and one to really fix things if you both feel willing.
It would be fairly easy to call your doctor and tell him/her that you personally do not feel ready and would like for him to advise you to wait at least a few cycles. The doctor who talked to our support group said that she would love to see people wait a year, and I have heard this many times. Believe me, I think it would be wise if people are able to. The grief and pregnancy hormones are very hard to deal with at the same time, and that's with becoming pregnant at the six month point. Anyway, do you think your doctor would do that for you to buy a few months?
My real suggestion would be to get with a grief counsellor as a couple immediately before a real fissure starts to open between you two. He needs to hear it from a person with knowledge in this area that it is a good idea to do the hard work of grief before tackling the next enormous obstacle. He also needs to know that you aren't completely crazy and that all of us women go through the behaviors he's seeing from you. He also needs to know that he's not always right (though he thinks he has religion on his side) and that your thoughts and feelings are EQUALLY VALID. [I'm sorry if that's offensive, but it is how I strongly feel.]
This would be a great time to build on your intimacy as a couple without the fear of pregnancy. I've even got four months of bcp's from the past that I won't be using that I'd be glad to mail you.

You deserve this time to reflect. I wish I had had your patience, because it would have done me a lot of good.
((Big Hugs))
Sheri

AvivaElona · 11-13-2004, 08:39 PM

For us it was me who wanted to try as soon as possible but my husband wasn't sure. Nature solved the problem by making my cycle that month weird and so we didn't try. By the time my body was ready my husband was ready too, (a good thing since we got pregnant on the first try)

I second Sheri's advice to go get joint grief counseling. It sounds like more than just this issue is coming between you and the death of a child really can destroy a relationship.

Also though, try and just get him to relax and leave the thinking about the subject alone until its time...right now any doctor would tell you its too soon to start trying again. By the time your body is ready, you may feel ready too, and if not, that is the time to talk about it. Asking you to predict what your feelings will be in another month or two is really not fair. A month after we lost Isaac I was still bleeding. Two months after, I wanted to try but my body was still not having normal cycles yet and my husband was still too grief stricken to want to go through that worry again. Three months after, we were still very sad, but our pain had eased off to more bearable levels, my body felt fine, and my husband was ready to start hoping about something again. We figured we'd start trying, but weren't expecting for it to work so quickly...we ended up pregnant again before Isaac's due date, and that was hard in many ways.

I don't know if I would have done it differently if I had known I'd get pregnant so quickly, but I might have. That is something else you might want to consider. When is Rivi's due date? You might at least want to wait til it passes to think about this...the date is often hard on people who have had a loss.

Good luck Viv, and as always ((((hugs)))

Aviva