DH refuses to adopt

babywarrior · 03-25-2009, 11:46 AM

Hi! We have been ttc for 4 years, and have done countless medicated cycles. Right now I am in my 2ww after an IUI w/ injectibles, and not feeling very hopeful. We are going to try our hand with IVF, but in the meantime, I think we should be open to adoption.
But my hubby is totally against it. He keeps saying once the money runs out (my insurance pays for IF up to a certain amount), we'll just have to be child-less. To me, this is a deal-breaker. I HAVE to have a child.
Is there any way I can go about convincing him, or does anyone have any resources for this situation. I am assuming this is not the first time. I love him dearly, but I honestly cannot go through life without a child.
I am panicking about this, and have been for awhile, since he said he will not adopt.
Of course, you talk about having kids before marriage, but you never discuss adoption...now I feel stuck.

Safyre · 03-25-2009, 04:19 PM

What are his reasons for not wanting to adopt?

~Traci~ · 03-25-2009, 04:40 PM

I would find out WHY he doesn't want to adopt, then go from there. Adoption is uncomfortable to some ppl so they just don't even want to look in to it. And all most of us hear about are the bad stories where birth children went back to birth parents, or other relatives, etc. We hardly ever hear about the good adoption stories in the news & those happen every day!

HOLLAND · 03-25-2009, 04:55 PM

I would sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Maybe there is something that he's afraid of or something that maybe you can have a better understanding of why he feels that way.

kathyjx · 03-25-2009, 05:16 PM

I knew prior to marriage that TTC would be difficult for me. Discussed with DH and he said, "If you can't get pregnant, I would think that's Gods way of saying our baby is already here. We just have to find it." I thought that was the sweetest thing in the world. NOW after a year of TTC with no O, he says he wants his own child and that we should not pursue adoption until we have no hope of TTC on our own. He just doesn't seem open to it at all. So I empathize. I wish I knew what the answer is.

mzamethystcrow · 03-25-2009, 05:51 PM

I would get to the bottom of his reasoning why not. I asked my hubby the same question about adoption shortly before I got pregnant and said "Yes and no." It was a little heartbroken, but his reasoning was that he wanted a piece of himself in a child. He was 50/50 on it.

kimmy-ki · 03-25-2009, 11:09 PM

How difficult for you!!! I really hope that you can talk with your husband and find out why he feels that way. Maybe it's just about getting him used to the idea... there are lots of books about adoption that might be helpful to both of you. Wishing you luck and ++++++ with this IUI cycle!!!

Jewels · 03-26-2009, 04:10 AM

I agree with everybody who said you need to find out where he's coming from first. I know during our ttc years it was immensely difficult not only on me but on my husband as well. It put strains on our marriage that I never thought would happen. So maybe partially he's just overwhelmed. I think a lot of men feel like their manhood is challenged when we have difficulty conceiving even if it isn't due to their medical condition. So as lovingly as possible find out where he's coming from and really reflect back to him what you hear him saying. I think if you can find some common ground like how hard the ttc stuff has been and really needing a break before even considering adoption it might take some of the pressure off.

If it is a question of his being worried about not being able to love a child that isn't his biological child, simply ask him if he can love you. The answer is always yes we can love others that are not genetically connected to us and what a wonderful thing that is!

Goodluck! You'll get to be a Mommy. It's just a matter of when and how.
Julia

babywarrior · 03-26-2009, 10:08 AM

Thank you all so much for the advice.
I have tried to talk to him, but he immediately shoots it down. I say, "Maybe we should look into adoption." And he says, "Absolutely not." When I ask why, he says things like there are "too many risks" and "I want my OWN baby." I think he may be thinking of horror stories of people wanting their babies back. Also, he is somewhat "old school" in a lot of his views, so that is part of it. I know him so well, and know if I can just get him to an informational meeting about it, he may slowly change his mind. I am just so sick of these treatments, and I want a baby NOW.

GoddessDanu · 04-07-2009, 06:28 PM

You can always try foster care adoption. A lot of times it's free. Good luck!

Stelladot_KKE · 04-09-2009, 01:30 PM

You can also try international adoption - they're always closed, and it's impossible for the biological parents to claim the child back.

My H had difficulty being convinced also. When I asked him why, he brought up that he was very concerned about a few things - one was real (we are taking steps to prevent it) and a few were misconceptions he had. Our adoption agency was able to set him straight. I put my foot down and let him know it's a dealbreaker - I was ready to walk. I think you should also find out whether it's that your H just doesn't want to adopt, or that he truly does not want children.

kathyjx · 04-09-2009, 04:33 PM

I would have a final discussion with him and tell him that if he denies you this, you are afraid you will grow bitter toward him and truly try to express your deepest thoughts about the subject. THEN I would stop bringing it up. Sometimes men become resistant when they think they are being forced in to something. I stopped saying anything to DH about adoption and I started praying that God would send Asian children (I want to adopt from China) into his path DAILY so he would think about it. In a few days he started bringing it up on his own. We still haven't started the paper work, but it is a step in the right direction.

babygirl18905 · 04-10-2009, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stelladot_KKE

I put my foot down and let him know it's a dealbreaker - I was ready to walk. I think you should also find out whether it's that your H just doesn't want to adopt, or that he truly does not want children.

First off NO BASHING THIS IS A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE NOT INTENDED TO SAY WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP BUT WHAT COULD HAPPEN!!!!

OK I kinda agree with the putting your foot down and letting him know your ready to walk BUT, you also don't want him just to agree to keep you. Sorry I am living it now and to be honest I'm not sure why. YOU should never try to intimidate your spouse by giving them a choice between you and a child if they don't agree then you need to decide you are going to leave and file for divorce or follow steps to get out of the relationship you can adopt as a single parent if you are financially stable and have a good home.

I gave DH (we were not married at the time and I really believe he had no intentions of getting married ever) the ultimatum (sp?) of him agreeing to adopt a child with me or I was ready to walk needless to say I went through all of the classes by myself, paid for everything by myself (ALL of the adoption fees, the baby's clothes, diapers everything) without support from him and then we went to court and the judge gave me an ultimatum (sp?) either we get married or I find a VERY LONG TERM job before he would finalize the adoption. My husband said "I promise the fighting and arguing will stop, we will get along better, blah, blah, blah" and I kept thinking this was a mistake but he kept reassuring me everything would be fine and guess what.......................It has only gotten worse! We rarely speak to each other, we have slept in seperate rooms for 2 years now (and counting) the arguing has become physical, the police have been called and I could really go on and on.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying this to deter you from your desire to become a mommy like I said I was ready to walk too just for the chance to be a mommy I just want you to be aware of what you are asking if your DH is really against it don't force him into it or he will grow to resent you rather than you resenting him and you don't know how things will really work out.

My husband plays with DS and so forth on but as far as financially I am the sole supporter of him (other than DH paying medical) which technically I don't need since DS has healthy start but as far as diapers, clothing, birthday gifts, christmas, just because he needed it, easter etc....I have been on my own the past 2 years.

Just think about it before you give him that decision.

Stelladot_KKE · 04-12-2009, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babygirl18905

OK I kinda agree with the putting your foot down and letting him know your ready to walk BUT, you also don't want him just to agree to keep you. Sorry I am living it now and to be honest I'm not sure why. YOU should never try to intimidate your spouse by giving them a choice between you and a child if they don't agree then you need to decide you are going to leave and file for divorce or follow steps to get out of the relationship you can adopt as a single parent if you are financially stable and have a good home..

I'm sorry your adoption experience has been so negative. It seems strange to me that the judge would ask you to make such a drastic change in your life before allowing you to adopt - he should have made the decision on you as-is.

Please understand that I am not bashing you, just disagreeing with you.

I don't think your situation sounds typical, at all. If you and your spouse do not want the same things out of life - especially something as life-changing and un-compromisable as having children - then YES, you do need to reconsider your marriage.

Not for the purposes of intimidating your spouse, but for the purposes of being true to yourself and, as PP have said, not ending up bitter and resentful towards life/your spouse. I do have a relative who was in OP's position when she was in her twenties, back in the 1950s. She and her husband did not adopt, and IMO, yes, the bitterness did seep into every area of her life and relationships with other people, and remains that way half a century later. Not a great way to go through life.

babygirl18905 · 04-13-2009, 01:52 PM

[quote=Stelladot_KKE;1889809958]I'm sorry your adoption experience has been so negative. It seems strange to me that the judge would ask you to make such a drastic change in your life before allowing you to adopt - he should have made the decision on you as-is. [quote]

My adoption experience has not been negative per'se just DH's attitude. I would do it all over again. As far as the judge he said he could not understand why were together so long and not married and that he wanted to be sure the baby would be taken care of if we were to seperate. Maybe I'm overreactting about DH he did NOT have to get married, he could have left me and went about his business and he did say let's get married etc......

[quote=Stelladot_KKE; 1889809958] Please understand that I am not bashing you, just disagreeing with you.

I don't think your situation sounds typical, at all. If you and your spouse do not want the same things out of life - especially something as life-changing and un-compromisable as having children - then YES, you do need to reconsider your marriage.

Quote:

But if you are telling your spouse you are going to grow bitter towards them and I know I read a post on here where someone suggested saying that to their DH do you not think your spouse will take it as you giving them an ultimatum? And if your spouse loves you would they not want to do it to make you happy but what resentment will come from their end later on down the line. What if your spouse said to you "I want a baby" and you knew in your heart you did not want a child but he kept insisting, you kept resisting and he said he would grow bitter towards you if you did not give him a child, if you Love your husband would you not give it to him and it could go 2 ways either you would grow to love the child and accept it or you would grow bitter towards your husband for pushing the issue.

[quote =Stelladot_KKE; 1889809958]
Not for the purposes of intimidating your spouse, but for the purposes of being true to yourself and, as PP have said, not ending up bitter and resentful towards life/your spouse. I do have a relative who was in OP's position when she was in her twenties, back in the 1950s. She and her husband did not adopt, and IMO, yes, the bitterness did seep into every area of her life and relationships with other people, and remains that way half a century later. Not a great way to go through life.

Don't you think if she would have reevaluated her relationship and followed her heart and left the relationship to adopt a child she would have grown to be a much happier person. I know in the 1950's things were ALOT different, but think about what you said, she went her whole life without ever having a child for whatever reason her and her husband could not have their own biological child, THEREFORE she gave up her dream of being a mother to stay with a man she eventually grew to resent and as you say is still unhappy, and bitter about the situation a half a century later. So let's say for instance (just since this thread was started by babywarrior no pun intended) babywarrior is doing everything in her power to get pregnant and she cannot so she is very interested in following her desire to adopt and her DH is totally against adopting no matter the circumstances do you think it's fair for her to stay in the relationship and never be a mother? what if her and her DH grow bitter towards each other over the situation and they reevaluated the situatrion and decided they would rather move on with their lives and she had the chance to meet someone who would be on board with the adoption option would that not be a better life for both of them?

I'm NOT trying to start a debate here I'm just thinking about it from all perspectives. and I am not telling anyone to divorce I have no intentions on divorcing at this point in time but I am giving my input just as everyone else is.