babywarrior: This sounds like a really tough situation. The positive thing though sounds like you have time, you still have options to try to get pregnant. Maybe this would be the wrong choice for you but for me I would just try to keep dialogue open about how emotionally taxing it is on both of you ttc and the failures. This is just my personal belief but I feel if someone truly wants to be a parent there are enough kids in the world and God will make it possible someway for us to find our babies. Here's a quote from a book that I really like. It's a really cute metaphor for adoption,
“Some came to the reunion by car. Some came by airplane. Some came by train. What mattered was who, not how they came. The plan by which our child came to our family was the right plan…” Fertile in Our Faith (pg. 46) by Krista Ralston Oaks
I have two cousins who have had to adopt due to infertility and their kids belong to them. I mean they look like them and act like them. They might of had to come to their family by way of someone else but they belong in that family.
Maybe you don't feel that holistic way is the way for you but there are lots of people that have had promising results on this forum with d-chiro-inositol, soy, vitex and other stuff. You might want to look into it. Or maybe after medical options run out you could continue to try even if DH isn't into it, and he is still against adoption. I would hate to see a marriage end because of disagreement. And who knows at anytime he could have a change of heart.
It's been a while since you posted. Just wondering how things are going?
Julia
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babywarrior: I was in the same situation with my DH. After three years of treatments and surgeries and a miscarriage at 12 weeks, I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to adopt, but DH said no. He said he was happy with me and didn't need a child to complete our family. I nearly left him for it - I HAD to have a child. What was the point of living without one?
We ended up in marriage counseling for a year. Eventually I realized that the problem lay with me, not him. I was so obsessed with having a child that I forgot to cherish the relationship I had with my DH. I was trying to fill a void; someone was telling me that I couldn't do something (have a baby) and I refused to take no for an answer. We've since decided to stop treatments and stop looking to adopt. We are just enjoying each other and traveling the world and volunteering in the community.
I truly do not mean any kind of disrespect when I say this, but maybe you need to start thinking about why you must have a baby. Your focus is on your DH and why he doesn't want to adopt; maybe he doesn't really know? Do you know why you must have a child? What happens if you can't? Would spending the rest of your life enjoying time with DH be the end of the world for you? Just a thought.
babywarrior: I was in the same situation with my DH. After three years of treatments and surgeries and a miscarriage at 12 weeks, I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to adopt, but DH said no. He said he was happy with me and didn't need a child to complete our family. I nearly left him for it - I HAD to have a child. What was the point of living without one?
We ended up in marriage counseling for a year. Eventually I realized that the problem lay with me, not him. I was so obsessed with having a child that I forgot to cherish the relationship I had with my DH. I was trying to fill a void; someone was telling me that I couldn't do something (have a baby) and I refused to take no for an answer. We've since decided to stop treatments and stop looking to adopt. We are just enjoying each other and traveling the world and volunteering in the community.
I truly do not mean any kind of disrespect when I say this, but maybe you need to start thinking about why you must have a baby. Your focus is on your DH and why he doesn't want to adopt; maybe he doesn't really know? Do you know why you must have a child? What happens if you can't? Would spending the rest of your life enjoying time with DH be the end of the world for you? Just a thought.
I agree with you that OP - in fact, that everyone - needs to find joy and meaning in their lives from multiple areas, rather than just putting "all their eggs in one basket."
I truly mean no disrespect when I say this, but looking over your post it sounds to me like your husband truly does not want children. And there is nothing wrong with that; better he figure that out before having kids rather than after. But, there is also absolutely nothing wrong with wanting children, which is a fact that our culture tends to ignore somewhat. "focus on your career, get a hobby, travel", seems to be the party line shoved in a lot of infertile women's faces.
For some women, yes, that truly can be enough if you have the chance to mourn motherhood properly. For others IMHO, that can only be enough with an appropriate amount of self-delusion. But just because something is difficult doesn't make it not meant to be or not worth doing, KWIM? Infertility is such a hot button that unfortunately, there is not one single person that can speak without bias. That's why you need to listen to your own heart.
What jumped out at me from your post, is that either deep down you don't want to have children, which is fine; or that your therapist and your husband have bullied you into convincing yourself you don't want children, which is unconscionable.
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Thank you all for your advice and kind words...
Sorry I haven't posted lately. I have been trying to keep my mind on the positive things in my life, and am trying to put the infertility on the back burner. We are doing our first IVF this summer. In the meantime, I am working on my husband with the adoption issue.
But, you all have given me great words of advice!
Thanks, again!
I truly mean no disrespect when I say this, but looking over your post it sounds to me like your husband truly does not want children.
Oh, that is not the case at all! He definitely wants children, sometimes I think more than me. He is just very old-school in the respect that he wants his DNA to be passed down.
I know how you feel. My husband and I will be married 11 years in July. We have been trying all this time for a baby. I want to adopt, and one day he is ok with it, then the next day he doesnt want to. His reason is he is afraid that he wont love it. I know that he will he is a wonderful man and would be a wonderful father. He is great with our nieces and nephews. Breaks my heart to see how happy he is with them..and he may never have the chance to be that way with his own.
Love is love no matter who it is you're giving it too.
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Oh, that is not the case at all! He definitely wants children, sometimes I think more than me. He is just very old-school in the respect that he wants his DNA to be passed down.
Oh, I was talking to Sundevil, sorry.
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6 months ago my husband and I brought home a beautiful 4 year old daughter from Kyrgyzstan. My husband is sooooo wrapped around her little finger. That being said, it took him over a year to decide he was on board with the adoption. I did not want to have biological children so for me adoption was the only option but when we got married I didn't want children at all. That changed for me but not for him. He was worried about his age, he is 15 years older than me. He was worried about money and how is 14 year old son would react. He was worried about not feeling the same way about an adopted child as a bio child etc. I'm not really sure what happened to make him change his mind, one day he just decided he was ready. I think going to an information session, complete with a recently adopted adorable kiddo from Ethiopia, helped bring him around even though it was a year later. He saw and heard from an adoptive parent first hand. I also didn't push too much but would mention different folks I knew who were looking into adoption or that I found out had adopted.
My husband was not completly understanding of the adoption route at first either. We have already done all of the infertility treatment we are willing to drain our bank accounts with, and adoption was an easy decision for me. We had a child that we had known for about five years show up on our door step one day (on his 18th birthday), and he had just been thrown out of his foster home because he wouldnt sign a paper to stay until he was 21. We took him in, and he is now in college. This changed my husbands view about adoption. We formed a family bond with "our son", and no doubt it will be forever.
However, we then decided that we really didn't have the money to adopt through an agency, and we figured we would foster adopt. That experience has pretty much completly caused him to do another 180. We went through nightmare after nightmare with our state system. We were flat out lied to on multiple occasions, and after almost four years, we still don't have a child. We are both scarred deeply for all of the pain we went through due to foster care, and I can't even begin to imagine what the children in our system go through.
We ended up just realizing that we really want children, but it's not in our hands. We have tried pretty much every route out there with, fertility, foster/adopt, private and even an agency. Every time we have hit a road block. So recently we just decided that we needed to try to live our life. Our thinking in doing so is that in ten years if we still don't have children, and we waste our entire life dwelling on it, the end result will still be the same. dwelling was just wasting our time, it didn't change anything over the past 5 years, except that we wasted massive amounts of time we can never get back.
We didn't give up, because we want children more than anything. We did however, realize that no matter how bad we wanted it, it wasn't going to happen if God didn't include that in our plans. At first, it was harder on me to just let go. I went through some really hard times (grieving, I think), but now we are doing better. We are just living our livew for US. We do the things we want to do, buying the tings we want to buy and go to the places we want to go.
This will never fill the viod we have, and it's still really hard sometimes (seeing babies is the worst), but at least now we have enjoyment in our life. Don't get get me wrong, the pain is still there and it always will be, but we just decided wasting our life worrying about changing something that was beyond us, would not do any good. In the end we decided that we are sad enough over not having children, and we didn't want to be even more sad because we wasted our life dwelling on something we may never be privledged enough to have.
Not every Foster Care system is like that. We went through foster care training before I got pregnant with my son. You have to be willing to accept a child for who they are. In foster care you can not be picky about what you want in a child. We made some really good friends during our training and now they are in the process of finalizing their foster care adoption of 3 small brothers. ages 1, 2, and 3.
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Jennifer (27)
Clomid 100mg June 2008 - BFP July 7th It's a BOY!!! - James Hunter born March 8, 2009 @ 10:30pm 7 lbs 11 oz, 20 inches long
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I didn't say a word about being picky about the child. Our situation was totally not related to accepting the child. They told us for six months (since birth), that we would be adopting the child. Then out of the blue they called and said that the other couple that had a sibling changed their minds, and wanted her (they said they didn't want her for six months). If you had a good experience with foster/adopt then good for you. We certainly have not, and seven other teachers in my school alone have had pretty much the same experience that we have.
Foster/adopt is probably a O.K if you can keep from forming attachments to the children quickly. However, I think for people that want children as badly as we do, it is something that can devistate you 100 times worse than infertility itself. Watching the baby that we loved since birth be carried away and placed with people that didn't even want "another kid with delays", was hands down the hardest thing we will ever face. Being told from the beginning that we would be adopting her and then finding out that we were "the back up plan", was more salt on the wound.
I belive it is a deal breaker if you feel that way. Trying to "convience him" may be difficult. Some men believe in their genes only with regurads to being able to love a child. It might be a good idea for him to talk to other fathers that have adopted children and see how they feel since this is a deal breaker issue. If after that and discussion, he still dosen't want to adopt, you have a decision to make.
He is just very old-school in the respect that he wants his DNA to be passed down.
