diagnosis aggravating depression

meglet · 06-26-2003, 11:23 AM

heya, i'm fairly new here, and also fairly newly diagnosed.

i'm not dealing well with my new diagnosis. i am in some ways, doing the research, making lists of things to talk to my doctor about. but i've become very depressed over it as well. i feel like its my fault (because of obesity, like maybe i caused it), and i feel like the eating changes i have to make are going to make for a horrible, nearly unliveable life, i feel like i'm too weak to do it, i feel like a failure even though it has just started.

i have bipolar and i'm always terrified when my mood dips because it always comes with a corresponding manic swing.

also i'm worried because i'm suffering and i don't like it. i hate feeling so hopeless and alone. sometimes i just want to stand up and scream at people "you don't know what its like! you don't understand being hijacked by your brain chemistry, then betrayed by your body!"

i've had a terrible year, first semester i had a relapse of depression that led to me having to leave school for awhile, and it led to a bipolar diagnosis. second semester was spent recovering from the first semester. and now my summer has been mostly spent dealing with this new diagnosis and not dealing well.

i know i'm rambling, i just feel so ****ty. i want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

DamagedYoung · 06-27-2003, 04:44 AM

Dear Meglet,
I practically heard myself echo through your post. I'm 19, diagnosed with PCOS last year, although the major depression was diagnosed years ago. I blame myself for the PCOS too, because of the weight (and because I'm the only one of 3 sisters who has PCOS or a weight problem). I'm so angry about all my diagnoses, but since there's no one to aim that anger at, I turn it inward. I don't trust myself to tackle this, to be successful with something like Atkins or even regular exercise. And I HATE how people think of depression as a joke - you're SO right with what you said about being hijacked by your brain chemistry. Furthermore, my first year of college my depression got so bad that I overdosed on my antidepressants and have since been out of school, which I feel practically puts a stamp of "loser" or "failure" on my forehead. I know that I'm not really helping you here, but I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one. I don't even know how I'm going to deal with my own pain, but I wish I could take yours away. None of this is anything close to being fair.