Did anybody else do this?

annem84 · 09-22-2005, 04:27 PM

It has been 2 1/2 months since I miscarried and I really haven't started the grieving process yet. Not a lot of people know about it, which I know is no fault other then our own but on to my question. I've started therapy and had my 9th session yesterday and she thinks it would be best to gather all the cards, dried flowers, balloons, etc and take it to a priest and have them say a blessing. I dont want to go because I am not married and children/pregnancy are not looked at positively in the Catholic faith and the guy that I'm dating is not Catholic and dont want that to be weird for him but yet I do want to start to grieve, want to mourn the loss and feel some closure but Oy--I just dont right now. So my question right now is that "Did anybody else do this" Did it help in the grieving process or did it in hinder it more? She also wants me to type out the "memories" of the miscarriage but I more or less blocked a lot of it out but guess if I want any sort of healing I better???

VivC · 09-22-2005, 04:38 PM

Anne, I think a lot of us have had memorial services. Would the Catholic Church refuse to bless your baby's memories? I would think they'd do it, since it's not the baby's fault s/he was born out of wedlock.

If you really think this would be too weird, you could still have a private service without involving the church. You could have your family gather to share pregnancy memories and mementos, read a few scriptures, poems, or something you wrote. It doesn't have to be really formal.

I think it's a beautiful way to honor your baby, and it might help with your grief, too.

As far as writing out your memories, that did help me. ((hugs))

Viv

Gnzls924 · 09-22-2005, 06:37 PM

I am "catholic" and married to a non-catholic through the catholic church....actually he's muslim. I never feared that my child would be rejected by my own faith especially after I lost him. I think that if a priest were to do that, it would really upset me. However, there are several women in my family who were not married and had their children baptised into the faith. I think if you go to your church and ask if they will do it, I can only wonder how can they refuse your request. Also you can check into other type of churches like non-denominational churches who are not as strict. Or maybe you can go back to the hospital, and ask to see the grief counselor or chaplain. I know for sure they would do it, that's why they are in the hospitals.

The chaplain baptised my little matthew just after birth. I have no idea if she was catholic or not. But for me God is God, no matter what religion. But i think it's an excellent idea to do.

Mustard Seed · 09-22-2005, 07:19 PM

Anne - I've only been grieving for a few weeks, but I have found a book that has helped me to feel more of what was going on... instead of just trying to go through the steps mentioned in other books. It's called "An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart". I would tell you that if a counselor is trying to make you feel a certain way, or do a certain thing to help you grieve, and you don't want to, then you're not to that stage yet and it probably won't do much for you. Even though it's a professional telling you to feel a certain way, I think that you need to feel what you feel when YOU actually feel it, not when someone tells you to. Not a lot of people knew about our m/c (or our pregnancy) either, and some that did are those that I wouldn't choose to discuss it with because they have never been through anything similar, and I don't feel that they can relate. But just as long as you and your BF can talk about it, and support each other, I think you will be fine. You're in my thoughts and prayers...{{{hugs}}}

JuliannePCOS · 09-22-2005, 09:59 PM

((hugs))

I don't think the Catholic church will discriminate against a child who was born out of wedlock. You'll be surprised at how progressive some of them are. The fact is, the baby is still one of God's angels and I bet they would be happy to give the soul of the baby what they call a "baptism of desire" which means that it's a baptism given to a child that is already deceased... which you had the intention and desire to have baptised it if he/she had lived.

We had one by the deacon while I was waiting to expel the baby from my uterus after he had passed away during the night.

Even if the baby is considered to be brought into the world in a "sinful" manner (which I think is not true, but I'm not a priest) the baby is still sinless and perfect and would be treated as such.

To be honest, I don't think I've started grieving my first m/c which was back in January.... and I'm not sure if I'll even have an actual full blown depression about it ever?? I think that I have dealt with it and am moving on pretty well... but I'm not in mourning like I would expect someone in my situation to be. I think I'm just lucky maybe. Sure, I have sad moments, but nothing that requires meds or more than a few minutes of tears at a time.

SweetPea76 · 09-23-2005, 06:11 AM

I did several things for the baby I lost. There is a church in NY (the Church of the Holy Innocents) that has a shrine dedicated to "children who have died unborn". Your baby's name is inscribed into a book that is in the shrine and people go and pray there daily. Also, a mass is said on the first Monday of every month to remember those babies who were added to the shrine the month before. You can ask to get a certificate of life with your baby's name on it (or you can just do Baby Smith, etc. if you choose not to name the baby.) You can submit your child's name to the shrine via the website, so there's no chance of a priest asking about the marital status of the parents. The website is www.innocents.com and if you look on the left hand side, you will see a link to the shrine. This helped me immensely- seeing that on paper my baby was recognized as a child. Also to know that people were praying for me and my baby.

I also made a memory box. I have a box with my baby's first ultrasound. It also has some cards people sent before and after my loss, along with an outfit that was a gift from my sister. I put in my baby's certificate of life and letters I write when I'm really missing my Angel.

It also helped me to name my baby. I didn't name her right away, but after almost a year I decided that for my own mental health, I needed to give my baby a name instead of calling her "the baby I lost".

I will also add that I have done all of this without DH's knowledge. He doesn't ever talk about Angel. But that's the way his family deals. His mom lost a baby- she was born full term and lived for only 24 hours, yet she is RARELY spoken of. I probably know more about his sister than he does b/c I think his mom wishes she could talk about it more- but my FIL won't have it. FOr me, talking about Angel helps a lot. It was a child that I had lost, not an embryo, or a fetus, she was MY baby. Yes I lost her at only 11 weeks gestation, and there was no way she could have survived, but she was still my baby. I have found that when I talk about her, many more women than I thought pipe up and say "I lost a baby too".

I hope that you do find peace and begin to heal.

SheriKCMO · 09-23-2005, 01:44 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please don't try to compare your grief jorney with that of anyone else... we are each unique, though there are often similar milestones and feelings. Whatever feels right for you and your intentions to honor your baby, definitely do it. For some people, less is more, but for many of us, we would like to semi-fulfill some of the hopes that we had for our children. Obviously one of those hopes for you was a christening... now you can just do what you can with what you've got, so to speak. I think it's a great idea. These things we do and the objects that we save are mere representations of our love, but often they are among our most treasured possessions because we can't hold our babies. This blessing might mean a lot to you through the years, and it might surprise you that it can mean a lot to the family and friends who also love your little one.
Best Wishes,
Sheri