Did my friend mean this the way I am taking it?

jlbrown122 · 12-20-2005, 03:04 AM

I had a friend call me the other day. She said she was reading her Bible and came across Psalms 127:3. Here is what it says:

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord;
The fruit of the womb is a reward

She told me how she knows her 2 kids (which she didn't even want) are a gift from God. And that she thinks God rewards us for our good works. I didn't say anything then, but the more I think about it, the more it hurts me. Was she trying to say that she is a better person than me and is rewarded with 2 beautiful children. Am I such a horrible person that I don't deserve to be rewarded with a living child? She has made no secret that both of her kids were accidents due to condemns breaking while she & her husband had sex. So, she deserves kids that she doesn't want. All I have wanted since I was a little girl was to be a Mommy, and it hurts to know that she thinks I brought these fertility problems on myself.

How would you all have taken this comment? Would it bother you or am I just overly sensitive? This is a hard time of the year for me because I had found out I was pregnant the day before Christmas Eve, so the holidays are very difficult for me.

This friend also made the comment a few years ago when I was in a car wreck and eventually had to have surgery to replace 2 ruptured discs in my neck that I shouldn't have the surgery, but have enough faith in God to heal me. Well, I believe that God did heal me through the hands of a wonderful surgeon. She has just made comments so often that hurt and I don't know if she does it on purpose or not.

camarofanatic90 · 12-20-2005, 03:14 AM

It sounds like a hepicrit (sp) to me. God gave her kids that she didn't want and for why? I think that she means things the way she says them. And that when you do have your kids your going to be the best mommie ever.

enits · 12-20-2005, 03:21 AM

Janet, maybe it's your friend's way of trying to make peace with herself (you mentioned that she didn't even want her kids). She probably has some guilt for feeling that way. People say the stupidest things -- whether they think about it or not. I don't think you're being overly sensitive, either. Comments like that are just uncalled for! ((hugs))

PS...
are you still enjoying the Braun Silk Epi?!

Juana Baby · 12-20-2005, 03:43 AM

Wow, I am so sorry that your friend was so insensitive to your feelings right now. I have had that verse shown to me and more and have learned to take it with a grain of salt. Yes, children are a blessing from God, but being disciplined as his children is also a blessing -as hard and strange as that seems to be and say. Perhaps you are being prepared for something very special and have to go through more than what your friend will ever have to go through. Obviously you have more wisdom on when to not say hurtful things in the hopes of being nice or "Christian." I am reading a book right now called Hannah's Hope http://www.christianbook.com/Christi...N&item_code=WW

This book has been hard for me to read at times even though I just got it two days ago because of what it has to say.

Don't let your friend upset you. God bless you and may He be your comfort while you hurt. I understand about the anniversary and Christmas. My fourth miscarriage happened a few days after Christmas last year. My thoughts and prayers will be with you during this Christmas season.

laural

levacy · 12-20-2005, 04:49 AM

there are thousands of saintly women who simply cannot get pregnant. there are also absolutely horrific mothers who do unspeakable damage to their children. this woman is an idiot. god does not bless all who deserve children with their own biological children. it just happens. the world would be a much better place if only those who deserve and want their babies actually got them. it just is not that way. as for the surgery, god gives us the tools to help us heal ourselves through doctors and medicine. faith cannot heal everything. there comes a point when being involved with religion becomes fanaticism. i think your friend has started taking the trip down the scary religious freak road or she is just projecting her own guilt on to you. either way, honesty is always good. if she hurt you, i think you should tell her.

saluki_fan · 12-20-2005, 05:33 AM

I think your "friend" is insensitive. And that you would be doing her, and possibly others, a favor to tell her that.

I swear, I just do not understand what the he** goes through people's minds sometimes.

VivC · 12-20-2005, 05:32 PM

ARGH! I am so sorry she said that.

After Rivi died, our pastor said that, "Next time, we'll have to build up your faith." My MIL and hubby even blamed me for his death, saying that I didn't have enough faith to save him (hubby eventually got his head screwed on straight, but it almost ended our marriage). It's just BS! Why would God punish a baby, make him/her suffer, lose his/her chance to live on this beautiful earth He created, just because his/her mother didn't "deserve" them? I could quote you scripture after scripture that says that we receive our reward in HEAVEN, not here on Earth, and that we will face our judgment in Heaven, not here on Earth. So God doesn't punish us while we're here, and I refuse to believe that he'd punish innocent children for our behavior.

That said, I don't KNOW why babies die. It's not fair, and it's the first question I'll ask God someday. In the meantime, please know that your friend is an idiot who apparently likes to build herself up by tearing others down. Please limit your exposure to her until you're stronger.

I had to dump several friends after losing Rivi because they weren't supportive. It's very sad to have to do it, but at least he helped me realize who my real friends are.

((hugs)),

Viv

shandris · 12-20-2005, 07:58 PM

I would just like to say that some of you cysters on this board have the patience of saints. I cannot believe your 'friend' would say something like that. I agree with a previous post that said that she is dealing with her own guilt. I just don't understand how some people can be so insensitive and stupid.
I haven't had anyone say anything really stupid to me, other than the normal cliche's of how I can get preggo again...you know, stuff like that. But I don't think that I would be able to keep my cool if someone said something like that to me. I went thru a personal phase of blaming myself, and in a way I still do...I blame my body and myself for not pushing hard enough...but noone has said that they blame me or that it was punishment from God. I had one friend say "it wasn't the right time, and maybe God is giving you a chance to get some things right in your and DH's life, you never know." I told her that is not an excuse or a reason, because drug addicts, prostitutes and just plain old woman who don't want children have them every day, and I don't believe God is picking on me.
Maybe you should address your concerns and frustrations with your friend. Tell her how it made you feel, but be prepared for more insensitive comments. Is she truly your friend?

Mustard Seed · 12-20-2005, 08:28 PM

Janet - From that one comment, I would think that maybe (if she really is a true friend), your friend was trying to encourage you and wants you to know that you will have children because you will receive that reward from God someday.

On the other hand, the other stuff you wrote about her (what she said about your surgery a few years ago) makes me think that her faith is very off-base and she probably did mean to imply that you aren't being rewarded because of failings in your own Christian life. This is completely false. There are many scriptures that can be used (twisted) to make people believe this, but I personally don't believe that at all. All of humanity is under the curse of sin, which causes death (be it an 98 year old, or an unborn baby). God does bless those who follow Him, but if He isn't blessing you, that is not an indicator that you are a bad person or out of His will. Like the story of Job, who lost his crops, servants, livestock and all 10 of his children in one day, God sometimes allows things that we see as bad to come into our lives. Job's response to the tragedy in his life, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." is what our response should be. Honestly though, I know I haven't always felt that way since my m/c... just another example of sin in this world, I guess.

Pamela · 12-20-2005, 09:23 PM

Your sister and friend are insensitive wenches.
God does not "reward" our good/bad behavior. He especially doesn't do it involving babies!!!!
I don't have any answers either.
Just a ((HUG))

Anonykat · 12-21-2005, 02:20 AM

That "faith healing" stuff is crap. One of the writers of the Gospels (St. Luke) was a PHYSICIAN, for Pete's sake. Viv, your MIL is an idiot.

baby3bound · 12-21-2005, 04:28 PM

I think your friend is a psycho from you know where!!!!!!!! I also have a friend who has "put her faith in god" that she will get pregnant and refused to do IVF. She is now 40 and it doesn't look promising . I've always learned that god helps those who help theselves, and not to expect to sit around do nothing and count on God to do everything for you, that's just ridiculous, and very vein ImHO.

Ever hear of the story of a man who was caught in the flood? He begged God to save him. So as he stood there and as the water reached his ankles, he saw people running by, and they called out , "come with us we'll save you" . The man responded that God will save him and stayed. Now the water is up to his knees, a boat was sailing by. The peolpe inside yelled out, "jump on board we'll save you". The man exclaimed that God will save him. Now the water is up to his neck, a helicoter flies by. The peolpe inside yell out, "Grab the rope we'll save you". The man refused saying that God will save him. So the man drowns. He is at the pearly gates and sees God. He asks, "God why didn't you save me?" To which God replied, I sent you running peole to guide your way; I sent you a boat to float you to safety; I even sent you a helicopter what did you expect? For me to come for you myself?"

All I can say is that your friend is extremely lucky to not have had anything bad happen to her so far, but as I' sure we've all learned that luck runs out pretty quickly. I think once it happens to her, she'll realie how horribly insensitivie she has been to you, not to mention What a freakin' idiot!!!!!!

SheriKCMO · 12-21-2005, 07:23 PM

it is easy to be extra sensitive to what people might have meant, whatever they've said. i wouldn't take her statement any way other than her own self-satisfaction, which is pathetic. while a friend is grieving is the worst time to be selfish, so she seems very immature to me.

Rebecca's Mom · 12-21-2005, 08:34 PM

well girl kiss her good by if she can't just say i am so sorry and god has a plan for your life, i would knock her out, i am glad you had the surgrey done and think you should count her off your list of friends....people say stupid things, i just lost a baby last week and it hurts, but i know there is a reason, god loves us so much he would not hurt you..... rebecca was the one thing i wanted all my life but now i know i need to draw even closer to god so i can be with rebecca one day and continue to try to have a child or adopt.... but your friend should not say those things to you.....talk to your pastor he can help you.....i am here if you want to talk may god bless you.....Tricia

LaurAnnHere · 12-21-2005, 08:40 PM

I am so sorry she said that to you. I think most of us have been forced to deal with people like her who need to have their mouths wired shut. You were blessed and rewarded with the fruit of the womb. God gave you a precious child. God grants and takes away loved ones all the time. I do not understand his reasoning. I do not understand why bad parents or people who do not want children are given them readily while others who long for them must suffer. I want these answers so very badly. I have grappled with this for so long. At times I thought that I would never be given the opportunity to hold a living baby in my arms. I thought perhaps I was being punished for all my sins. Now, I don't understand things much better, but I know that God doesn't punish us by taking our babies away. (((hugs)))