Did you blame your babies

hela · 01-11-2008, 09:14 AM

I think for a long time I've been blaming my baby Rose for what happened with the loss of my twin girls

It was the membranes around her which slowly ruptured causing me to go into labour, then after she was born my cervix closed completely and I had to be induced to have Molly as I had not passed Rose's placenta. Molly was born with her membranes still intact and the placenta attached.
After they were born one of the midwifes made the comment that if Rose's placenta had come out when she did I'd have probably been able to carry Molly longer.

This has stayed with me for the last 5 months and part of me has blamed my poor little one for what happened, right up until last night.
Suddenly lying in bed with DH I started crying and realised it wasn't her fault, just a horrible thing to have happened.
I felt so guilty that in my heart I'd been blaming this poor little innocent for something so terrible when of course it was nothing she'd done.

has anyone else felt like this?

I'm so sorry Rose, I love you always, just as much as I love your sister Molly.

RunnerDuck · 01-11-2008, 04:02 PM

I don't... or can't... but I can understand where you are coming from. Before I had my reduction (triplets to twins - not putting my sig in this post) I read this book called "Baby ER" with real life stories from the NICU at an LA hospital... and it had a story about triplets... one of which punched or kicked his way out of his sac and caused all three to be born... it scared me so much that that could happen to me and I just didn't think I could handle it. It was one of many small fears that led to my choice. And now you know I am so beating myself up for my choice but the truth is I *don't* know what might have happened if I kept all three - and I think in your situation, who knows, maybe that is exactly how I would have felt. Angry at the baby... maybe angry at myself for not reducing... who knows? I am sure I would have been angry at someone - I think there is nearly always anger involved when we have a loss, whether it is justified or not.

I haven't been in your position but I faced the fear of being there which is close...

I don't think there is anything wrong with it... it's such a catastrophe and most any catastrophe, you are going to look at it and wonder WHY did this happen... WHO could have stopped it... WHO has the most blame... you are right, it was nothing she did intentionally but that doesn't make you wish it didn't have to be that way any less.

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

my2babies9806 · 01-13-2008, 02:25 PM

Oh hela, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, to make the hurting stop. Just know that I love you and am here for you. I have had 6 m/c...1 of which was a 2nd trimester loss. While I don't know exactly what you are going through, I know the pain and anger of carrying your baby so long, then in an instant everything has changed and your precious angel is gone. i was so angry for so long. I hated everyone around me. I even pulled away from my ds. I just couldn't be near him. I couldn't function properly. Eventually it got better, but it took alot of time. We're always here for you. Vent, cry, yell, do whatever you have to do to feel better. Just take it one minute at a time. Sometimes thats all you can do. (((HUGS)))

kwannabee · 01-14-2008, 02:29 PM

You just went and made me cry...and here i am supposed to be working

guilt is a terrible thing...and i think when you go through this kind of pain all we need is one more thing to feel guilty about...kwim?

I'm kinda upset at the nurse in a way...i dont think she maliciously meant to make you feel worse but sometimes the less said the better, kwim??

i went to a memorial service two days ago...it was my friends mother who had passed away at 88. It was held in the same room we had Aimee and Dana's memorial in almost 3 years ago. My friends who were with me knew how hard it might be for me and they held me up. I knew it wasnt about me but i did get choked up i must admit.

anyway something the son said really got me going... 'we cant go back, but we can go forward to create a new life..."

well holy crap i started sobbing

right there amongst this family who didnt know me from a hole in the ground.

anyway....it just felt like a little nudge from my girls that said ...see mommy...life goes on...

sighhhhhhhh......

anyway, i hope you get a better nights sleep and i know you're little Rose is watching over you...take care and sorry for going on....sometimes i just cant help it

StormsDreams · 01-15-2008, 10:46 PM

Oh Hela.....
i want to say that your midwife mis-spoke...and when people mis-speak they have no idea what turmoil it puts our hearts and sould through....
Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your family...no baby wants or causes the death of another in utero...science would like to say and dictate so...but know that no one should blame the baby...