i know my rational side says this is not my fault, but i can't help but think that i might have done something to cause this. I didn't help that my Dr chastised me for going off Met right before i got pregnant -- she told me outright that it would increase my chances of having a m/c. I did not know that at the time and it is really weighing on my conscience now. I also remember having a drink or 2 before i found out and am kicking myself for it. I guess i'm just wondering if you have had similar feelings and if you have, if you've been able to let the guilt go. i know this is an unhealthy way to think but i'm having trouble snapping myself out of it.
I blamed myself... I was angry at myself... I felt like I disappointed everybody... But at the same time, I knew it was totally irrational.
It will get better. You have to realize that miscarriages do happen. For whatever reason, especially early ones, they are usually nature's way of deciding that the pregnancy was not going to be viable. Something could've been wrong with all the cell division that's going on down there. Making a baby is a very complex thing.
Trust me, a drink or two early on wouldn't cause a m/c. Many, many women have drinks before they know they are pregnant. The baby is not vascularly connected to you at that point, anyway.
So how did I snap out of it? I realized that thinking that way was not productive. It wasn't going to give me my baby back. It certainly wasn't helping my healing process. *hug*
__________________
Jules (34) Harrison (35)
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Sparky, our emergent cerclage baby, born at 23w1d on 3/4/07 through his cerclage. Died from NEC on 3/12/07. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Scooter 1/28/05 16w3d, IC
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Tater Tot 9/10/05 9w4d
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Pucky 6/11/07 blighted ovum Dx PCOS 10/2003.
TAC placed 6/28/07 at University of Chicago.
Moving on to IVF after a year of infertility and 3 Femara cycles. Lupron started on 7/27.
I have experienced the same feelings and agree with Julianne's statement that blaming yourself is not productive and won't bring your child back. I am sorry you are suffering a loss, it is very painful! Sometimes we look to blame someone or something so we have a specifc reason for what has happened and can focus on that instead of our pain. Allow yourself time to feel your emtions and try to work through them without the blame. It isn't easy but it will help.
I blamed myself... I was angry at myself... I felt like I disappointed everybody... But at the same time, I knew it was totally irrational.
I felt like I had let people down too. And I felt embarrassed, like I was some kind of freak, because my body just refused to do what other women seem to do so easily. And the comments from well-meaning people like "It just wasn't meant to be" and "Well would you have really wanted a baby with something wrong with it?" did NOT help the situation either.
When I found out that my babies were most likely genetically OK and the losses were due to my blood clotting, I really did blame myself, I had a few days of complete agony. Then the doctor reminded me, "Well, did you ASK for APS? This isn't something you CHOSE to have and it is NOT your fault" and that made me feel better.
Like JuliannePCOS says, making a baby is amazingly complex...sometimes it's hard to believe ANY of us are here with all that's involved. I'm glad we can lean on each other.
I blame myself everyday.... Did I flop down in the bed to hard, did I have a sugar spike that did it, was it from stress, was it b/c I feared M/C so much that it happened, was it b/c I'm not going to be a good mother, was it God's way of telling me just to give up, but deep down that little voice inside of me says SHUT UP JESSICA ITS NOT YOUR FAULT... But I always seems to come right back to blamming myself. Hopefully one day I will be able to stop doing it and let the guilt go. But I know how you are feeling its still very fresh for me too... (((((HUGS)))) We will get through this..
Not only did I blame myself, but my doctor didn't help matters by making it seem like it was my fault. I STILL blame myself. I'm pretty sure, rationally, that it wasn't my fault, but I struggle with feeling like I must be a bad person for this to happen to me. I don't feel that way about anyone else's losses, so it really doesn't make sense. In fact, I don't know a loving mother in the world who didn't blame herself at least in the beginning. I think it's just a normal grief reaction. Hang in there. They say that it gets easier.
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
i thought for a long time that because i was so scared, and deep down did not want it because it would change everything, that i did it. and i bet my self up about it everyday for months. to be honest i still do some days.
__________________ Laura 24 - DH (chris) 26 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
BFP 9/26/04 - m/c 10/3/04 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
BFP 10/1/05
10/03/2005 - 183 10/07/2005 - 1,323
Caleb - 6-10-2006 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Pregnancy loss is something that happens TO you and your baby, not (almost ever) something that is CAUSED by you. Blame implies intention, and I can tell you did not intend to lose your little one.
However, guilt is a natural phase of grief, no matter the age of the person who died. "I wish I'd told Grandpa that I loved him one more time or not complained to him....." When the mother's body is 100% responsible for nurturing the little life, it's much easier for her to feel guilt. But it is no more logical. It's just something we have to get past. And twinges come back from time to time.
I think I got past the guilt by hearing this kind of repetition from others who have gone before me. It is not your fault, and one day you will see it this way most of the time, and it will be a healthy step in the process. Now you know some things that you might try differently next time, but there is no way to prove that that was involved. A mom or mom-to-be just has to do what she feels is best.
Hugs!!
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Yes, I blamed myself. I should've picked a better doctor. I should've gotten a second opinion the day he blew me off and refused to do an U/S. I should've gone to the ER the night before my doc discovered bulging membranes. Other people in my life piped in with blame for me, too.
I think the only way I've made it through is the women here. Their support helped counteract all of the negativity going on in my head (and my home). My therapist has been a Godsend, and time helps, too.
I usually don't blame myself these days. At least not consciously. There is some depression that keeps hanging on, but I don't know if that's guilt talking, or the other stuff I've got going on in my life. I still blame the doctor, and part of me will always blame God (although I'm rebuilding that relationship).
Keep posting here, and we'll help you get through this.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. (My blog)
For my daughter, I blame myself for not having the NICU consult with me and try to save her (after I was told that either I would die and leave my son without a Mom or I had to deliver her the next morning). I had the assurances from the Maternal/Fetal specialist and my OB that she would not survive - but she was nearly 24 weeks and I didn't give her the chance.
For my son, I blame myself for not complaining to the OB that I 'didn't feel right' - to go in and have myself checked. Perhaps she would have noticed that I was in pre-term labor or that my cervix was opening. Instead my water broke that night and we had to go to labor and delivery and be told there was nothing we could do but deliver him.
I still cry over both situations - the what-if's and should-of's are really hard for me. I see little 2 yr old girls and see Saralyn and wonder how she'd have turned out and long for my infant son Mitchell, with whom I should be on maternity leave now.
I have to echo everything that has been stated here so far. I will always blame myself for what happened. Docs can tell me it's not my fault...but i will always choose to believe that it was. After all, I was the one who carried him. I feel like my body failed me and more importantly I failed my child. I am hoping in time, that this feeling will go away. Please know that you are not alone. We are here for you!!
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Diana - 36! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I just noticed something. I'm weird. Okay, I'm just weird STRANGE this time. I'm always a little weird.
You all blame yourselves, and I don't, very often. I just remembered something my therapist said about all of my emotions jumping directly to anger. I can't cycle through other emotions very well, since they seem dangerous to me (long story). So I think the reason I'm so angry is because I'm not willing to feel the rest right now. I remember right after Rivi died, feeling so suicidal and depressed. I'm terrified I'll sink back there again. Maybe my anger is my mind's way of protecting me.
Sometimes I think anger is easier to deal with than depression. Anger motivates you to go out and do something to change your situation (or, at least it does me.) Depression does not motivate me to do anything but feel pity for myself, and bring others around me down. So, maybe anger is better to have in these situations. I can't speak for anyone else, just me.
Thank you all for your posts, I feel so much better knowing this is a common feeling and a normal stage of the grief process.
I agree that anger is much easier to deal with also. Only problem for me is there is no one else i can place blame on so i can only be angry at myself and of course that circles me back to the guilt i am feeling and does me no good.
As an aside, I've only just started posting here and everyone has been so helpful and great, i feel like i am just taking and not giving anything back. You have no idea how much this board is helping me. Its difficult to talk to friends and family about this when they haven't been in the same situation.
missmeliss, we all go through phases when it is hard and we do more talking than listening. I know that I have gone through times when I didn't respond to others very much but others supported me. When you're first going through this, it is hard to support others. Don't worry, it will come and you'll give back to us and future members of this board. I wish there wouldn't be more new people, but I think it's inevitable
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
did you blame yourself? 
