Did you do anything to make peace with your m/c?

KattforLife · 05-18-2004, 06:35 AM

Did you do anything to make peace your your miscarriage?

I had this memory box I bought a while ago, that I was planning on using for this pregnancy and all the ironic crazy things that happened, stories, pg tests, doctors paperwork... And now it has ended in m/c.

So I was thinking about turning it into a memory box. As this last week has touched me so deeply, how many women get to say they got a bfp on mothers day, when they least expected it?

To an extent I dont know if its the right thing to do, but another part of me feels like its the only way to make peace with what has happened and is happening to my body right now.

I have all these little reminders of my pregnancy and miscarriage, and I feel like I would be doing my baby wrong if I didnt do something to celebrate the time we spent together.

My husband told me that Im a weirdo. It is too soon to determine the thing was even a baby. But I dont feel that way.(hes very scientific about everything)

Am I a weirdo for wanting to do this? What did you do? Did you do anything? Should I even bother?

katt

emilymegan · 05-18-2004, 11:53 AM

Oh, Katt ! First of all, let me say how sorry I am; there really are no words right now

As for that memory box - if it is going to make you feel better to remember the baby each time you look at it - go for it. If it's going to hurt you each time you look at it, maybe prepare everything in the box, but put it away for a while. It really depends on how you feel.

But, of course you should commemorate (sp?) the baby somehow. Whatever way you choose will be the best one for you.

As for your husband, well, he's acting like a jacka$$ right now. This is the time you need him the most. I know you love him, but he really needs to think about you right now and not himself.

I had a m/c in 1991 (I was only 19). It really hurt me for a long time afterwards, everytime I thought of it. But, just know while it never goes away, the pain does lessen with time.

Again, I'm so sorry you have to go through this

Tracy

kwannabee · 05-18-2004, 12:51 PM

Absolutely make a memory box...youre not 'a weirdo' and its a wonderufl way to aknowledge that even for a little while your baby was here. I got mine from the hospital after my girls were born, and its so crammed full i cant even open it cuz i wont be able to get every thing inside it again. I even kept the product info for the double stroller i was going to buy for them...its sitting proudly in my dining room with a picture and bowl of dried flower petals from their memorial service, and a little pewter box with their remains.

For a long time i couldnt look at it but knew it was there...it got a little easier everyday.

...why dont you write your baby a letter? Why dont you write down everything your feeling, thinking, and wishing for. Maybe accidentally leave it lying around for your hubby to see before packing it in your box? I did that...i even wrote a letter to God and asked him why he made Mother Nature so B?!@#Y ? you really need dhs support right now...and he doesnt have a clue whats going inside your head...dont get caught up in resenting the fact you have to tell him...just tell him in any way you can!

And whatever you do...get the support you need in a postive way from somewhere...thats what the cysters here are so good at...you are going to have triggers that set you off everytime...for me its cranberry juice (i tried desperately to stop the infection by drinking it..it didnt work

) Dont be ashamed or scared of those feelings...they are part of the healing.

This is so raw for you right now...dont isolate yourself even if your hubby isnt there for you right now...you keep posting here as often as you need to...soulcysters were a Godsend for me...take care...

KattforLife · 05-18-2004, 07:20 PM

Thanks, ladies,

Kwan,

I couldnt even believe what I heard last night. My husband and I were on the phone and he told me that he "knows" Im still pregnant. It broke my heart. I want to tell him there is no way, and he wont listen. As for this morning, the tissue Im dropping is getting a little more reddish/graying. So I know Im expelling what ever is left in there. I think that he is being the way he is because he really feels like there is still a chance. I mean, I dont blame him, because in my head still, I feel like there is still a chance.

Im so glad that you shared with me, because I do want to do something to remember my baby. I think that it would be the best for me. I have a schedualed ultrasound to confirm that there isnt anything left in there, and I will be asking for a picture as a last peice of the box. I decided that I was going to get another box and keep that box for my next child. I want to get something that is solid and more permanent, this box is just a photo box and made from cardboard. I know I Want it, I thought about it all night.

All of you who have gone through this and go through this are so strong. Before now I didnt even have an idea of what all of you go through. when I was thinking about the days before the miscarriage I realize that I knew something was wrong. my heart and my head told me that it wasnt going to last. I also started eating extra right, sleeping more, even when I wasnt tired and not bending in any way. I feel better that I did that, but I still feel like there was something that I could have done. Or if my ob saw me, someone...just someone could have stopped this. I hope those feelings leave me soon, cause they are so destructive.

I dont know... my dh agreed to take me to Ross(Its a clothing store that sells nice house stuff) to buy a special box for my angel. I have been saving everything from the begining of this pregnancy.

The weirdest thing is that my husband told me he distinctly remembered me telling him(I was sleeping) that I was going to miscarry soon. He said I Was talking in my sleep and I was holding my stomach. I dont remember. It brought chills down my spine.

Thanks for listening and offering this place, cause I really dont know what to do or where to go.

casey1 · 05-19-2004, 12:02 AM

It sounds as if you are doing what you need to do to get through this. I too have a momento box from Casey and will make one from this loss as well. I am so glad to here your DH is being more supportive. It is okay if he is not yet on the same page as you. He needs to get there on his own time. However his support will help both of you get through. I swear by mother's intuition and I to get chills thinking about your subconcious. Thinking about you!

CathyWood · 05-19-2004, 01:11 AM

Well I think what you are doing is fine. I thought i was going crazy when I went through my m/c. After 3 weeks we let some balloon go..that helped for awhile. Then i went to a grief class and that helped out. Everyone is different on how they grieve...so do what helps you the most.

lots_of_dots · 05-19-2004, 01:27 AM

((((hugs Katt))))

I don't think what you are doing is weird at all. A memory box sounds like a really nice way to remember your little one. I didn't have much from my pgs to keep except for the + HPT's which I immediately threw away each time. I'm not saying that's right for everyone, it was just what I had to do in order to move on. The way I memorialize my little ones is by wearing an earring for each of them in the birthstone of the month they were due (I have a lot of holes in my ears

). I thought about a mother's ring but I'm not a big ring wearer (I don't even wear my wedding ring most of the time) and I didn't want something that obvious. The earrings are perfect. I've had them since Christmas and not one person has asked me about them (which is good for me).

I pray for God to give you strength to get through this hard time. I know it's such a cliche but in time the pain will get better. You will never forget your little one but the pain will get better.

((((more big hugs))))

J_MBoe · 05-19-2004, 02:14 AM

Kat,

I want to tell you how sorry I am for you. It is never easy. However over time as I am sure everyone has told you it will get easier. I have m/c 5 babies, (my last one was twins). I never knew how to deal. One time I wrote a letter and sealed it in a bottle and threw it into the ocean, we said a little prayer and even talked for a while, cried mostly. That was my first time. For mothers day my DH got me a mother father and child pendent. But you know with all of our angel babies, this past one was the one that really hit home for him. We listened to the HBs on our monitor. He really began to understand. too bad it took him this long to realize. Men just are not built that way. They are not close to the action. If you ever want to talk let me know.

Everyone is different in how they grieve. You just have to find what makes it easier for you. Sorry if this is not helpful

~Missie

Ber22 · 05-19-2004, 02:19 AM

I honor my two little angel babies by wearing a bracelet made of painted hand-made beads. It has beads of almost every color, so it goes with almost everything, plus the different colors remind me of all the different feelings I have had over this last year. I also have a box to put all of the poems I have collected of SC, and the letters/journal entries I have written. Journaling is a great release of feelings.
I wish you lots of peace and healing.
Ber