Do friends/family know you're TTC?

PEIKay · 11-29-2009, 12:52 AM

I'm curious as to how many of you share your journey with people besides your partner and us Cysters.

Do your friends know? Family? People at work? What reasoning was behind your wanting to share or not?

With me, only two of my friends know, and they are the only people outside of my husband and I who are aware that we are TTC. Due to my age (I was 19 and married when I had DS) my family made my pregnancy with DS a nightmare and I couldn't enjoy it because they were so negative about everything and so judgmental. I haven't told any of them, and we will not be telling them about my next pregnancy until we can't hide it anymore - probably not until 20+ weeks, and they will not be welcome at the hospital. MIL isn't even going to be told until after Kid #2 is born, and she's a whole other story...

Kamy04 · 11-29-2009, 01:35 AM

Our friends and our co-workers have known for almost as long as we've been TTC. We have two friends currently in the midst of infertility as well, so we share stories. I also knew NINE people who got pregnant (all in like 2 months, of course) last year.

We just told our families this past week. That was much more difficult and awkward, as you can imagine! I am hopeful that they will slowly leak the information to other family members. The only reason we really told right now is because I may need surgery in a few weeks (Lap) and I didn't want to pop it on them. We also needed them to understand my emotions during the holiday season and know that we were going to start getting very tight financially.

We waited so long for our families because a) we didn't want to tell them and b) we didn't have any answers. Once we saw the RE and got some answers, we figured we could tell them without getting stupid advice like "relax" or "you're trying too hard." While both sets of parents seemed shocked, they were not really upset that we had kept it from them. My MIL only commented that "if I had pestered you with questions, I could have been praying for you a lot longer." We were also able to get some more family history that may shed some more light onto our situation.

I am not really ashamed of my infertility and I prefer to share it with everyone who is concerned. I figure then they know it DOES happen. I have run into more people to go to for support from sharing, people I never expected had issues conceiving. I have been an emotional wreck lately and I've needed people to talk to. My coworkers have been the MOST amazing at listening and supporting me, which I wouldn't expect. They ask about it all the time, so it's pretty much a daily work discussion
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I am, however, very sick of people telling me to stop being sad. It has been one heck of a two weeks, I think I am allowed to be sad, lol.

Legally_Michelle · 11-29-2009, 01:57 AM

Only one person in real life actually knows about ttc and I am sure two others have guessed it by now.
I told that one person, a friend from school, because she is in the same point of life as myself (married and looking forward to kids soon). Also, she's not the type to go and gossip to others at all. The other two probably guessed it because we told them when we were pg....then I m/c that same night.

I haven't told anyone in either family because they will not understand why we want kids now (I'm in my last year of law school). I don't want them to tell us to wait or that we have plenty of time. When we decide to have kids isn't up to them (and apparently not me...ha ha...). His parents aren't currently residing in the country, so it's not a big deal not telling them. I don't think they would understand why it is so difficult to get pg anyway. His dad thinks he is the world's foremost expert on everything and would probably tell us how to get pg and that we don't need medical intervention. His mom, while very sweet, has had 4 boys with no problems.

My mom had fertility issues (m/c at 11 weeks and needed Clomid to get pg) and I would love to discuss this all with her. I believe she probabl had PCOS or hypothyroidism, but was never tested for either. I wonder if they can test her now? She is way past menopause, so I would think now.

I think that as soon as I get done with the Bar I will come out in the open unless we're pg by then. But for now I am secure in my little secret world.
Keeping it secret is actually more difficult than one would imagine because one of my best friends lives in a room in our house. I can't just walk up to DH and say "I'm ovulating" or "look at my pee stick". We discuss it when she isn't around. I can't tell her because then it would most definitely get around. She has been living with us for 19 out of the 24/25 months we have been ttc. If our roles were reversed I would have discovered it a year and a half ago, but luckily she is delightfully oblivious to most things that go on under her nose.

I do tell EVERYONE about my PCOS, though. Holy crap, I'm like the advocate for PCOS information dispersal. I've convinced several friends to get tested for it when they tell me about their irregular cycles and seem to have the physical characteristics of it. Many of them do have it. If we do get pg then I guess we'll tell people that we didn't think I would O since I'm not supposed to....or just come clean.

TarynB · 11-29-2009, 02:00 AM

At first we didn't tell anyone, we felt that it was our business and not everyone needed to know.....however, my sister ended up preg (oops) this year and i was so upset about it cuz she did it again...got preg before me and she is younger and neither time was she trying or expecting to get preg....so i ended up telling my mom and sister so they understood why i was upset.....and now sometimes i just wish they didn't know becuz they always make comments like are you sure you want another baby?? especially when my sister is having difficulties with her 3 kiddos....

we also haven't told my dh's family cuz they wouldn't understand and would constantly try to talk us out of it becuz my dh is older than i am and they don't understand why he would want another baby at his age...his brother is a few years younger than he is and has 4 kiddos and they had no probs at all getting preggo so they just don't understand and i don't care to hear anymore comments from others about why we shouldn't have more kids.....

only a couple of my friends know but they are really really close friends and one of them had fertility probs also and had her first baby at 42 so she understands what i am going through.

i don't mind telling people if they really care and are supportive but i hate getting those are you sure you want another baby comments......of course i am sure otherwise i wouldn't be trying!!!!!

autiemom w/pcos · 11-29-2009, 11:09 AM

Nope. Just me and the hubby.

callalily · 11-29-2009, 12:45 PM

We told my Mother and my DH's Mother and Father. I not as close with my Dad, so I haven't told him. We were worried how they would react because they don't have grandchildren yet, but so far they have been very supportive and understanding of our privacy.
I have a few close friends who know, but they are not PCOS. They like to get updates every once in awhile, but I try not to talk about it too much. I don't want them to get tired of me blabbing on and on about it, because I could talk about it every day! That's why I love this website! I can check every day and not feel guilty and everyone understands what I'm going through. Even if I don't post, it's helpful just to read.

AliciaJ83 · 11-29-2009, 12:47 PM

Yes my friends know and family. I have been trying for a long time, 2-3 years and it is just easier to tell people for me. I want to have as many people praying and thinking good thoughts for me.

greyt00 · 11-29-2009, 01:01 PM

I've told a lot of people. I'm very emotional so there would be no hiding this from my immediate family. Besides, I'm close with my parents so I wanted them to know. They have 1 grandchild through my sister already. A few people at work also know. I've had to leave work for dr. appt so much that people have wondered what's wrong with me, plus I had one really bad day where I was on the verge of tears all day long, so I've told just a few people that I am closer to. Everyone else in my group is in the dark. A few friends also know.

Dee67 · 11-29-2009, 01:24 PM

Cause of so many ppl in real life that believe we have our miracle (and we do!!!!) and since then have had 2 m/c's......I do not share with anyone in real life that we are trying but that we "just don't prevent" .....I hate hearing "why would you need another with one miracle?" or "aren't you happy with your daughter?" Such STUPID DUMB UNCARING comments.
Just the gals here, and another board and my few online friends from my pregnancy/birth month board...although no longer part of that board.

NJgroomer · 11-29-2009, 01:41 PM

I did not want to tell everyone. Especially since we need to do IVF due to MFI and I thought that it would be hard enough, but having everyone wanting an update all the time would be killer. BUT....df has gotten the baby bug and has told everyone.....LOL I think even strangers! The only one that he has not really told is his grandma, she is 84 and is hard of hearing, even with an aid. So, she would not understand.

Oddly enough, the one person I never though that I would have problems with...my grandmother, was very nasty on Thanksgiving about it, even though she has known since July that we were TTC and then in August/September we were told we need to do IVF, and she knew about that right away too.

LilyDogNY · 11-29-2009, 06:28 PM

We decided to tell those around us and it has been helpful, I think, at putting the comments at bay about "When are YOU two going to have a baby?!" and so-on. We give them updates about progress, doctor visits, etc. every so often, but they know not to bug us all the time about it.

autiemom w/pcos · 11-29-2009, 07:18 PM

My second child is special needs and I could tell my whole family was wondering if baby number three was going to have problems too. It was like they were all down about the fact that I was pregnant instead of being happy about it. It's hard enough having to go through all this without having to deal with everyone being happy about my 2 sisters in law being pregnant right now and looking at me like I'm a nut job for wanting the same thing. I don't see that it's smart for me to open myself up for that right now. When I get far enough through a pregnancy to be showing I'll let everyone know about it.

AngelaGrace · 11-29-2009, 08:13 PM

I've told everyone basically. Family, friends, people at church, people I work for, people at DH's work, neighbors, friends of my parents', random people... yep, everyone!!

It helps knowing they know, and that they're praying for us and wishing. And it totally keeps and stupid comments away. Everyone's been VERY supportive about it!

I can see why some people, for various reasons, would keep it to themselves. It's a matter of choice, whatever works best for you. I'm very happy w/ my decision to be open with our ordeal, though.

~ Angela

duramater · 11-29-2009, 08:43 PM

I told some friends when we were first TTCing, and then regretted it later. I kind of thought it would happen right away - even though I knew I had PCOS - because I'm stupid like that.
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And later, I didn't want to share the whole fertility drug thing with people - we're fairly private, and these friends aren't medical friends, women with PCOS, or even people who have TTCed before, and we didn't want all our friends gossiping about how I couldn't get knocked up.

Long story short, when friends would ask "So...any NEWS?" I would get really irritated. Even though they were completely justified for asking, since I had told them we'd started trying. One friend told me her boyfriend suggested that we try having sex - after we'd been TTCing only four months. I shouldn't have been shocked that she'd tell her boyfriend, but I was. I also wanted to punch them both.

And it opens a whole can of worms - if you tell someone you're TTCing, and then you get pregnant, and they ask you if you have NEWS....well, then you either tell them or feel bad for lying. If you tell, then of course the boyfriend will find out, and maybe they'll both keep their mouths shut and maybe they'll tell all your mutual acquaintances. Again, we're pretty private. A lot of (otherwise wonderful) people just won't understand or agree with your choices when it comes to fertility and miscarriage and all the stuff that goes along with that.

ebbrown · 11-29-2009, 08:49 PM

Our families do not know. They do, however, know our struggles with PCOS and regulating it. Whenever we talk about going to the doc, our excuse is that we are making sure I'm not growing any additional cysts (I've had two ovarian surgeries in the past). They believe it. It's not that I don't want them to know, but I DO NOT want to pressure or the sympathy. That's just one more stresser on my husband and I. A few very close friends know... two who are going through the same infertility problems and one close work friend to help me cover my classes when I have Dr. appts (I'm a high school teacher). My sister just found out she's pregnant and is 11 weeks along, so now I REALLY don't want to say anything. I don't want them to walk around eggshells with me during this exciting time for her. Prayer for strength is getting me through the holidays with a new baby on my DH's side and my sis now pregnant.