Do I want a baby now?

** Stacye ** · 01-19-2005, 02:05 PM

Hi - I think that I just really need to say this out loud - I am so very confused right now.

First some history and I will try and keep it as short as I possibly can - but if I get too long, well... I'll go ahead and apologize for it now!

I'm 36 yrs old - like most of you I believe that I began showing symptoms of PCOS when I was a teenager (around 16 for me). I would go months w/out seeing AF and then there she'd be - I was maybe having 3 cycles a year - I wasn't too concerned, heck I was very thankful for it at the time! I got married to my first husband when I was 19 and after about 4 years of using no protection and ttc, we simply thought that having children was something that God just didn't have planned for us. During this time AF remained on leave mostly - but I'd see her from time to time. My ex hubby and I had grown comfortable with the fact that we were not getting pg - and as I said before - maybe it just wasn't meant to be and by this point, we had our careers to think about.

In 1997 we seperated and our divorce was final in 1998 - during our seperation I met and eventually married my now absolutely wonderful DH- Greg. I was very apprehensive to start a relationship with him b/c of the fact that he wanted more children and I did not think that I could have any. I was also scared b/c he had a 2 yr. old son (Brandon) from a previous marriage - and well remember, I had written off children so I wasn't too sure about being in a relationship with someone who had them. Well, the short of it is that - I FELL IN LOVE with his son (who I say is MY son - I just didn't have to go thru lots of pain to get him). Once we started our relationship and the 3 of us became a real family, I began to long for having my own child again - during this time we've never tried to prevent from getting pg but here we are 8 yrs later, no birth control and no children of our own. AF has flipped flopped her visits with me and I now go about 3 times a year without seeing her, meaning my cycles are 45 days or more (which can almost drive a person mad let me tell ya!)

If you have not noticed by now - I have yet to mention anything about going to a dr. to see what's going on with me... I am embarrased to say that here it is 20 yrs after my cycles started becoming irregular - I have just began trying to correct what's wrong. My Drs. appt was Monday (01/17/05) - I know... I know... Ridiculous huh!? I was terrified of just what I would be told - and that is what kept me from going all these years. In the words of my new OB/GYN, "Don't feel nervous, ashamed or embarrased - you're here now and that's all that matters."

Well, after some testing - my doc seems to think that we CAN have children - I almost cried when she told me, and my DH, well we'll just say he was VERY ecstatic over the chance of us having a child! BUT, this is where the my confusion begins - and it's tearing me apart! One of my fears is that I am 36 now... yes, I know... she (my doc) said for us to not make our decision based on our ages. But it is a factor is to me! I just don't know what say, do or feel - I love my DH so-so very much and he wants another child so badly (he hasn't stopped talking about it)! I know that I need to tell him the struggles that I am having but I'm thinking that maybe my confusion comes from the last 17 yrs of thinking that it wasn't possible and that maybe it just needs to sink in. *sigh* I really don't know... I do know that I have lots to think about b/c I go back in on Friday to discuss Clomid.

Whew! If anyone actually sat here long enough to read this..

THANK YOU! I think I needed to say this out loud before I popped!

DrewM · 01-19-2005, 07:51 PM

First, I'd like to say that I'm really happy that you're so happy in your new family. It sounds like a wonderful situation.

I'll be 30 this year, and I just recently got engaged to a man who loves children and definitely wants them. I, however, have never actually wanted children. (I feel like a criminal saying that on these boards, with so many women desperately wanting a baby.) But I never thought much about getting married either, until I met my fiance. Wanting to be married sheds a whole new light on having children, and I'm finding myself facing a similar situation as you, albiet different circumstances.

I know that for me, because of PCOS, conceiving might take some effort on my part. I'm warming up to the idea of starting a family, but I don't have the option of just "seeing if it will happen." If I want a baby I will probably have to work for it.

So after so many years of not really considering having children, I feel like I suddenly need to start making a decision one way or the other. So I can understand your confusion about all this. But you're just now starting to rectify everything that's been wrong with you. It may take some time to get it all straightened out, so you may not need to make a decision RIGHT NOW. My advice would be to focus your energy on YOU right now, on getting you healthy, and THEN start thinking about whether or not you want to have a baby of your own. No need to rush--36 is NOT OLD!! And by all means TALK to your husband about it. He sounds like a great guy who loves you very much. This is a decision you both need to make together, so keeping him in the dark won't accomplish anything.

Okay, that's my two cents. However your situation comes out, you will be better for it. Healthy, possibly with a baby!

Good luck!

Drew

Rebecca527 · 01-20-2005, 03:33 AM

Stacye,

First of all, I am so happy for you that you have been blessed with such a wonderful DH and son. Second of all, good for you for getting yourself to the doctor. It is a huge step. I was diagnosed 3 years before I had the nerve to do anything about my PCOS (demanding the treatment I finally am getting), and looking back I wish I had fought against the system sooner.
I guess the thing you need to ask yourself is what you have been asking...DO you want a child now? It seems to me from reading your post that you do. Don't make your decision based on fear, age, anything other than do you want a child. If that answer is a resonating YES through your entire being, then go for it. Talk to your husband about it. Make sure you and he both know the challenges you might be facing, and make sure you're both prepared to face them TOGETHER. It sounds like your doctor is dedicated to work with you on whatever your decision is, and that in itself is wonderful!!!
Before I met my husband, I was sort of resigned to not having children. I have always wanted them, but being 30 and single with never having a relationship before him kinda made it impossible! LOL I was actually leaning toward the idea of having a child on my own...but as Drew said, being married makes all the difference. Before it was "I want A child". Now it's "I want OUR child." I also have a 3.5 yr old stepson who I adore and who is absolutely crazy about me. He has blessed my life in so many ways, and even though I don't get to see him very often (he lives with his biological mother and my dh sees him 3x a week...with my work schedule, I'm lucky to see him once a week), we are very close. My desire to have a child of my own is now a desire to have OUR child, and to give Alan a little brother or sister. I have to admit I was very apprehensive about my place in Alan's life when I started seeing my husband. I consider him my son, even though I didn't give birth to him, because I love him so much. It is hard sometimes though when I think about the struggles PCOS might cause in trying for our baby. As I put it to my husband the other night...he already knows what it's like to look at his son and know that he made that, ya know? That's his baby, his little piece of immortality walking around with those beautiful brown eyes and contagious giggle. I get so scared to think that I will never know that feeling. Although he tells me all the time that as long as I love Alan, he is mine, I still have to remember that I'm not his biological mother and he might never call me or consider me his mom. It's hard to put into words.
And Drew, I don't think I could have put it any better when you said that about the option about 'seeing if it will happen'. My DH is finally realizing that with PCOS it's not going to be easy, and it might take a while, and it will be lots of planning and hard work, if it works at all. But, we're dedicated to working together to have our baby, and facing every bump in the road together.
Wow...sorry I didn't mean to hijack your post Stacye!!! I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through, and am here if you want to talk. You're in my thoughts.

Rebecca527 · 01-20-2005, 03:36 AM

Just wanted to add for giggles...DH and I were talking about baby names some time ago and we decided if we have a boy his name will be Brandon...how ironic and fun!

** Stacye ** · 01-20-2005, 07:54 PM

Drew & Becca - Thank you both for your kind words and for also the giving some insight into your lives as well! I will most definitely be watching for posts from the 2 of you!

I will make this one as short as I can... I'm in the middle of making dinner! Is this site addictive or what!??

Drew: Respectfully - I almost didn't post b/c of the same "criminal" issues and I almost feel bad for saying so.

Becca: Brandon's rock - what an awesome choice!!

I do want to say that even though I didn't say it in my first post - but I am very aware that it may not be easy for us to conceive - based on statistics we more than likely have a long road ahead of us! I just was really blown a way to think - "ya know, it just may be possible!".

Now ... for an update :: DH and I sat down and had a very loving heart to heart. He totally understands how and why I am having the feelings that I am having - he even told me some of my concerns before I could get them out of my mouth! Wow! Have I said just how much I love this man or what??

I told him how wonderful it makes me feel to know that HE wants a family (OUR Family) too! I tell ya what, I am so at ease with things now - I've realized that I have nothing really to worry about - everything will be how it is to be.

Well - I really hate to scoot, I feel as if I have tons more to say - but more boys are hungry so I guess I need to feed them!

Rebecca527 · 01-20-2005, 11:21 PM

Stacye, I can't tell you how good it made me feel to read your post! You definitely have an awesome husband! That right there makes you very very lucky. I'm glad you had the talk with him, and that you're feeling postive about things. I had a smile on my face when you said you 'have nothing to worry about and everything will be how it should be'...you reminded me that I need to be thinking the same way, so thank you for that. I have a feeling that we're alike in a lot of ways about how we are facing our hopes/fears of conceiving. We both know it might be hard, but there's that kernel of hope that we both have and need to foster. It is possible! Keep that positive attitude, it makes all the difference! Coming to terms and making peace with the journey we are on is the hard part. Now all we need to do is take the first steps. I for one will be right here, cheering you along all the way!!! You never know, it might turn out that we will be pregnant together! How fun would that be??? Again, I'm glad that you are in a positive place right now with it. I hope to hear from you again soon, keep me updated on how things go...and I will do the same for you. Take care, lots and lots of hugs and babydust!!!

** Stacye ** · 01-21-2005, 01:32 PM

Becca -

Thanks again for YOUR supportive words - It would ROCK if we were to be pg at the same time! I will most definitely keep you posted and I truly hope that you do the same! Like yourself I believe that we do share many of the same hopes and fears of conceiving - I also believe that we have been blessed with the men (both big & small!) that we now share our lives with!

Please keep in touch and I hope you don't mind, but I have added you to my b/l and maybe we can "chat" some time soon!

BTW - I just noticed last night that YOU ARE A NEWLYWED! Woohoo! CONGRATS!

anglewormm · 01-21-2005, 09:16 PM

I am almost 33, less than 2 weeks away. I have for the most part flip flopped back and forth about whether I wanted children or not. Most of the time when people ask if I want them, I say that Dh and I have decided not to have children, or that it doesn't matter either way. I can go for long bouts of time not wanting a child and then I will see one and for some reason the wants will start flooding. We have been together for over 13 years now (married almost 11.5)and still have no children. We have never made a conscious effort to prevent either, well actually I did for about the first 3 months we were together but that is it.

I know that when my Dh says he doesn't want children, he is doing it for me benefit, because he knows how emotional I get. But when I found out I was pg almost 5 years ago he was so excited that he told everyone, even all of the guys he worked with. He called his parents as soon as he was in the door. And when I m/c we was as disappointed and sad as I was.

I think that the problem is that when you know that there is a problem with your body, even if you haven't been to a dr to get it officially from them, you tend to try to deal with it the best you know how. Usually that means by any means that will not hurt you emotionally. So by telling myself that I didn't really want kids, I was protecting myself form hurt and pain of not having them. I know not all people are the same and some just really don't want them.

Anyway, as I babble, I just wanted to let you know that there are many of us who flip flop on children. And also that 36 is not old at all. My mother had her last child at the age of 41 and there are many other women having them well into their 40s. Age is a frame of mind for most women, and if your dr sees no reason why you can't and if you still think you want to, then by all means go for it and enjoy it.

Many hugs and encouragement for whatever choice you make.

karney · 01-21-2005, 10:10 PM

I know how all of you feel . When I was first diagnosted with PCOS, about 7 years ago, we tried having children ,but it didn't seem like it wasn't in God's will for us so,we kind of gave up the fact that we could never be natural parents . I had to stop going to the Dr. because of my insurance . I wanted to go back ,but felt kind of embarrassed because I gained so much weight (just one of my many excuses). Anyways, to make a long story short, I went to my OB /GYN just a few months ago because this time I wanted to take controlof my health, and he told me not to give up hope on having children just yet !He said that back when I first started going to him,they didn't know much about PCOS and the drugs are so much more advanced than they were back then . Well, that was back in August when I was 39 years old . I am 40 now and I am going to go on my 3rd round of Clomid . My husband is so excited too ! He did say that if it got to be too stressful ,that I am the one to make the decision to stop if I wanted to.
Sorry to make this soo long,but ,I wanted you to know that I am with you and it's not to late to give up hope .
Karen

Rebecca527 · 01-24-2005, 10:08 PM

Hey Stacye...just wanted to check in with you and see how things were going. Didn't you have a dr's appointment this week? How did that go?
Things around here are basically the same...waiting on AF to arrive to see if the metformin is doing it's thing. Day 32 and I'm having some symptoms that she's around the corner, but she's a little shy this month! It's my first cycle off the pill, so I'm a little apprehensive that the met alone will work. Waiting *patiently* for my husband's luck to turn and him to find a job. His last day of work is Friday (long story, but his boss is closing the shop he works at at the end of the week) and he had a good lead on a job but evidently he didn't get it because they were supposed to call today about 2nd interviews and he didn't get called.

Keep your fingers crossed and pray that he will find something SOON!
Anyway, just thought I'd let you know I was thinking about you. Drop me a line when you get a chance. Feel free to email me anytime at Isendem527@aol.com!
Talk to you soon!

Rebecca527 · 01-24-2005, 10:29 PM

I forgot to post these the other day when you mentioned my 'newlywed' status! If you would like to see a few pics of my wonderful hubby and I, here ya go!

This is our wedding party...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...ddingparty.jpg

Another of the wedding party...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...dingparty2.jpg

And this is us dancing our first dance...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...FirstDance.jpg

this one is my hubby, me and my stepson before we were married...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...attandAlan.jpg

Hope they work! The quality of the first few isn't that great...they were scanned from snapshots (we still don't have our 'real' wedding pics back yet...grrrr!) and I had to do a lot of finageling to get them to look halfway decent.

** Stacye ** · 01-26-2005, 11:19 AM

Hello everyone! I've been a tad busy the last few days and haven't been on line... but I'm back!

Catherine: I know what you mean about flip flopping back and forth on whether or not you want children - I done that too - I still do in fact! When I was in my 20's my ex-hubby and I lived across from a jr football field - we would go on Saturdays to watch the games b/c a lot of our neighbors children played there - I remember sitting and watching - even calculating in my head the age of our "child" if we had one - I loved going to the games, but it was so hard b/c it made me sad... my ex worked nights and so many nights I would cry myself to sleep. We never talked it - ever - but I think it's b/c I thought I couldn't have any children - so what was the point? Ya know that even today, the winter time is the worse for me? I think it has everything to do with the days we spent at the jr football field.

I'm glad that you have the support from you DH - it's hard for them to completely understand the emotions that we can go through and just knowing that they're there - supporting us makes them even more wonderful! I wish you the best Catherine, please keep us posted!

Karney: Thanks for adding to the post! Women like yourself - women refusing to give up - you are a true inspiration! The idea of having a baby is "new" to me again and I as I read stories of woman who are in their 30's and 40's ttc - well, I gain lots of strength from all of you and I thank you all for sharing your stories! I am so glad that you have decided to take control of your health and I wish you nothing but the best of luck! Keep us posted!

** Stacye ** · 01-26-2005, 11:41 AM

Hiya Becca!

It was good to hear from you! I've been out most of the week... things have been a little nutso around here! =)

Well, it's official - it's something that I already new - but based on the blood tests my ob/gyn done last Monday - I have finally been dx with PCOS. I was happy, excited, relieved and sad - all at the same time - but just knowing for sure, wow... what a feeling! We're still waiting on the external and internal US's that I done on Friday (01/21/05) to come back so that we can begin treatment (currently I am only taking Provera). There may be a slight chance that I have to have a D&C done - but again, this was said before I had the US's done - so everything is up in there air until these come back.

Any sign of AF yet? I hope the met if working for you! Now that is something I am NOT looking forward to getting back on - I was taking only 500mg when I was diagnosed IR and it made me feel just awful - anything more than that.... yuk, I cringe at the thought!! lol

Now what about DH's job? Any news on the other one? I have my *fingers crossed* and I will also keep the job hunting in my prayers too! What is that he does for a living?

Well, this has gotten a tad long again - it's hard for me to just say a couple of things! lol I'll end it now... talk to you again soon!

*ps* the photos look great - Your dress was beautiful! Thank you for sharing them, it's so nice to put a face with the words! =)

*baby dust*

Rebecca527 · 01-29-2005, 06:22 AM

Hi there everyone! Just wanted to drop in and see how we are all doing.
Karen and Catherine...WELCOME!!! I'm glad you're both here. I hope we can all continue getting to know each other.

Stacye...it's a bittersweet thing, but I'm glad you finally got your diagnosis. Now you can take the next steps to move forward. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you won't have to have the D&C done, but if you do, I'll be there with you in my thoughts.

As for me...no sign of AF yet...I'm on CD36 now. I'm pretty let down and confused at this point because I was really anxious to find out if the metformin was going to work for me. I've been having really really strong PMS symptoms for the past two weeks (sore breasts, cramping, bloating, irratibility, emotional, eating anything that is slow moving enough for me to stab it with a fork, I'm exhausted physically and mentally, and having a really weird 'full' feeling in my abdomen), and from what another cyster told me from her symptoms it's possible I could have O'd late...but I'm not getting my hopes up. At this point I just want my period to get here, get it over with and move on, start fresh, ya know? I took a pregnancy test this morning because of some other symptoms I was having...BFN. It's weird, but I'm disappointed. I guess somewhere in my mind I wanted to think that something magically happened to make my body work and that I could be pregnant. So...here I am with my first official BFN while ttc.

I am going to call my dr on Monday and ask them what they think(that is if I don't start this weekend) about upping my metformin. I'm only on 500mg per day, so that's pretty low. I don't have many side effects from it anymore. I've been on it since August, and it's helped me out in so many other ways, I really really wanted it to help kick start my body into being regular. Is this just wishful thinking? I'm at a loss with it all. I DON'T want to go on provera or prometrium again. I did 2 rounds of it when my husband and I were first together, and it was horrible. I am so negatively affected by it...horrible mood swings, I turn into an evil two headed monster, and get darn near suicidal when I'm on it. And given that I work 12 hours a day in very close contact with 6 other people in a very high stress environment, it's not real conducive to my mental health and job performance while I'm on it. I feel right this second that I've hit a brick wall. Do I continue to suffer through this horrible PMS and wait indefinitely for AF to come, or do I subject myself and everyone around me to the evil b*tch that is me on provera/prometrium? LOL
Whew...sorry bout that...had to get it out!
On the DH job front...HE HAS AN INTERVIEW MONDAY MORNING!!! With a very good manufacturing company, excellent pay, raises, benefits, great hours, everything seems good about it. Wish us luck!!! He told me tonight that he has a good feeling about this one, which if you knew how negative he's been lately about life in general...that in itself is an amazing statement!!! His other job was in upholstery...this one is a manufacturing company that makes refrigerated cases for supermarkets, gas stations, etc.
Anyway...gotta go, talk to you all later!
Sorry this was so long, and thanks for listening if you got all the way thru it!!!
Love and hugs!!!