Do I want kids for the wrong reasons?

emmytons · 08-15-2006, 02:55 AM

Hi, I'm new to the boards and to PCOS, just diagnosed in the last 4 months. I'm taking Met and not seeing really any results other than unwanted side effects. I go back to the dr. here next month and we will have to discuss something else. Anyway... the problem that I am facing right now is, do I want kids for the wrong reasons?

I mean, my husband and I decided we would try and have a baby which led to a miscarriage and then the diagnosis. The way I'm looking at it is that the miscarriage led to my being diagnosed. That's somewhat of a good thing. At least we know something is wrong even though I didn't want to lose the baby, b/c it was the sinlge most traumatic experience of my life.

I've decided that I don't want to put my body through hell w/ a bunch of fertility drugs and treatments and that if it doesn't happen naturally then it wasn't meant to be. But, that is another thing that bothers me, what if it's just not meant to be? Isn't this my body's way of saying something is wrong and it needs to be addressed? That maybe I was meant for something else other than biological kids? My husband and I have talked about adopting and both of us agree that it's an option we would like to explore. But, that makes me mad too b/c I sit here and wonder why I can't have one, or at least not right now. Do I want kids for the wrong reasons? I mean do I want them b/c it's time to have them? Or do I want them b/c everyone is asking about them? Or do I want them b/c I can't have them right now?

Does anyone else ask themselves these questions? Or am I just newly diagnosed and still trying to work it all through? I'm curious to hear what some of the other ladies on here have to say about it.

R0xyg4l · 08-15-2006, 03:43 AM

I'm not sure if I can really answer your questions. Having kids or the number of kids IMO depends on a lot of things, mainly personal preference. I have one DD right now, and I feel like my family is incomplete without another one.

Your PCOS dx may not be a way of telling you you're not meant to have kids, but it certainly may make you more grateful when you do. A lot of us struggle to have little one's but I certainly wouldn't let PCOS decide for you. I guess in the long run it's something you and your DH have probably decided long ago when you met, about having kids or not. I guess what I'm trying to get to is that no one else can answer the questions that you've asked... Do you want to have biological children? Are you happy adopting? Either way it's not an easy process but the road you choose is up to you.

I don't honestly know if there are any right reasons for wanting children. Sometimes something inside you just says that it's time or you have that yearning. It does sound to me like you want to have children, but keep in mind that having children when you have PCOS is not impossible. A lot of us have children, some with medical intervention, some not... Just try to stay positive. I know PCOS hits you like a brick wall, and I'm sorry to hear about your little one. I know I personally on the conception topic am a bit sensitive and my DH doesn't think I should be. But regardless, SC has a wealth of info and of great people to help you no matter what path you choose. Welcome!

shellygirl · 08-15-2006, 03:53 AM

Yes, yes, yes... I'm with you here with these kinds of questions.

My DH and I have been ttc since January 2005 - informally first, and then full-on seriously since about September 05. In March 06, I had two periods in a month and knew it was wrong - we went to a doc and went through tests and got diagnosed with PCOS. Then I started Metformin in April (and am still not seeing any improvement in my cycles), then found out we have male factor as well in May.

We too have decided that we don't feel comfortable with treatments that go beyond lifestyle changes and drug therapies....ie. Metformin is pretty much the end of the road when it comes to the treatments we feel comfortable with. (Because of male factor probs Clomid would be combined with IUI, and we're not in for that). We don't want our lives to be ruled by infertility treatments, we want to be able to accept the situation and to be grateful for what God has given us, whether that includes a child or children or not.

And yes, especially over the last 6 months, I have been questioning my motivations for wanting children and seeking to think in less selfish ways about having them... I definitely think that if we ever do have them, I will be a much better mother as a result of this time of questioning and thinking through the motivations behind my desires.

Love,
Michelle

Headyfeady3 · 08-15-2006, 05:24 AM

I have had the same thoughts. I worked through them before I decided to really TRY to have children. I think the most important thing is how you would feel after you have children. DH and I have decided that we are going to try soy and met for awhile. If that is not working we might move on. I really want to be a mother but I also know that there are many children in the foster care system that need someone to take care of them. I would suggest that if you are thinking about adoption then look into being a foster parent. If you can handle taking care of children that are not yours and you come to a point in your life that you have to decide to never have children or to adopt then you will have a good resorce.

What ever you decide will be the best for you and DH. Understand that you feel this way beacuse you just got some info that may make things difficult in getting PG and that make us wonder if it is ment to be.

If you havent been to the metformin part of this web page then that would be a good place to start. It might give you some ideas on how to deal with what met does to you.

Also go to the TTC board and talk to some of us on there. We are all doing different things to get PG. Some are natural and some are not.

Always remember that you are strong and that you can make this decission. Whatever you decide you have come to the right place. Dont give up on being a mommy, and ask ALOT of questions. We have all been there and know what it is like and if you have a question just ask someone will have an answer.

vancouverNicole · 08-15-2006, 06:50 AM

Hi, I'm not TTC yet but I went through some of these kinds of feelings when I was diagnosed with PCOS aswell.
Feeling guilty for wanting my own kids because there are so many kids out there, and wondering if it's irresponsible for me to 'breed' when I have a condition that could be passed on. I still think i'll consider adoption if TTC ends up becoming too much emotionally for me, or maybe not have kids, who knows.
However, I now feel like I will try to have my own, and use science and medicine if I feel like it at the time. The way I feel is that if someone had cancer, you wouldn't tell them god wants them to die, and that you don't think they should get chemo. Or if someone has a broken leg, you don't tell them to ignore it and live with the fact that they arn't meant to be a runner, you tell them to get help from a dr. I don't understand why having children is any different, that's just how I feel though.

longing4abab · 08-15-2006, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shellygirl

I definitely think that if we ever do have them, I will be a much better mother as a result of this time of questioning and thinking through the motivations behind my desires.

OH i so agree... i wonder that myself everyday and we are not even ttc yet. i found out on a fluke that i have PCOS i went in to the dr for something WAY diffrent. But i wish every day that i was TTC. RIGHT NOW.... but he isnt ready but you can bet your left hand that the day we get married im done with this BCP crap... good luck and i wish you lots of baby dust where ever it comes from

JennaBC · 08-15-2006, 07:23 AM

For us, we got pregnant with our son on our 1st month trying....Because it happened so easily, we didn't even realize what a miracle it was. We when decided to TTC again we were stunned when things weren't working...It has been 3 years and we JUST began taking fertilty meds. and started to see results. Through these 3 years, I have kept one thing in mind....One way or another, we will have another child. I knew that I would try the medicines, shots, and even IVF to get pregnant...but I also knew that if none of that worked....we would adopt and that would be ok....I think this struggle is not God's way of saying that I shouldn't have another child....I think it's an opportunity to really understand what a miracle a child is .....Sorry if I'm rambling...But I don't think you should ever feel that PCOS is a punishment for any reason.

ravenmisfit · 08-15-2006, 12:52 PM

I'm not ttc right now but want to have a child so badly. I have 2 close friends right now that are preg and almost due too. I ask myself those questions too. Growing up I always told my mom I wasn't having kids and now I feel that it's come back to bite me in the a**. I know that having a child right now wouldn'r be a good idea, I'm not married, no insurance, working part time, ect. but doesn't change how I feel. I wonder if I want kids b/c I was told that the chances of me having one are slim, if it's b/c many of my friends are preg or already have kids, if I'm getting to the point where I want to settle down and having kids are part of that. I don';t know what it is but soem times it's engout to drive me batty.
Enough of my ranting, sorry, good luck with becomign a mommy be it biological or not.

emmytons · 08-15-2006, 02:14 PM

Thank you for all your responses. I see that some women are just as confused and unsure as I am about all this while others have accepted it and are doing what they feel is right. And, that I guess is bascially what it comes down to. You have to do what is right for you and your own situation.

I know I'm going to stick to my guns on no fertility treatments. If Met doesn't work things out then adoption is the road for us to go. My husband is fine w/ this. And, I do want to have kids but then I have adoption fears which as I'm seeing on this board is nothing abnormal.

But, right now I think the main thing I need to do is get my priorities in order. I need to lose some weight and continue to take my Met to see if that helps the PCOS and all it's symptoms go away. Then I think it will be time to start thinking about those babies!

MiracleMom · 08-15-2006, 02:37 PM

If you want to adopt,go for it.I think that adoption is amazing and wonderful!!
I do NOT,however,see not being able to concieve naturally as a sign from God that you are not supposed to have a child of your own!
For years and years{over 14] I was TTC! In all that time I never looked at it in that way.My desire to have a child of my own was overwhelming!!
I often said to my DH"If God didn't mean for us to have a child of our own then why would he ALLOW us to desire it so much?!"
I believe that God,through medicine gives us the help that we need!
What if a diabetic said "Perhaps I'm not meant to take insulin."!
What if a cancer patient said"Perhaps I'm not meant to take treatments."!
God MEANS for us to do what is best for us in our situations.If it is what you want to adopt then adopt but you TRULY want to have a child of your own then do all within your power to help it happen!!
If I had given up then I would not have had the 2 precious MIRACLE girls that are mine THANKS TO GOD!!!!
In whatever you all decide to be the best for YOU,I send you my prayers and good wishes!
All the BEST!!

Manda716 · 08-15-2006, 02:39 PM

Hey Emily! I think that we are in almost the same boat. I've known that I've had PCOS since I was about 15 (am 26 now) so that's not a new surprise. However, now that I am married, almost done with my master's degree--I'm getting that itch to have kids--big time. So now I am doing more research on PCOS and getting nervous/scared about not only conceiving but maintaining a pregnancy. I've been asking myself the same questions as you--why is this happening;am I not meant to be a mother? But I know that deep down my husband and I have a lot of love to give and that any difficulty we may have will only remind us what a gift being a parent is. I, too, am in a similar situation that I am not ttc at the moment...but kind of want to get "all my ducks in a row"--get on prenatal vitamins...lose some weight to hopefully reverse some of the PCO symptoms...I'm hoping that if I prepare for the possibility of a pregnancy now--it will make getting pregnant that much easier in the future. I guess education about this syndrome, along with healthy eating and keeping on top of Dr. appointments are the few things that we can control--so I guess that is where I should put my energy...and hopefully the baby thing (which I can't control--*sigh*) will follow. Anyways, just wanted you to know that I empathize and share in your concerns and frustrations...Amanda

emmytons · 08-15-2006, 05:41 PM

I just want to say thank you for all the support I've found on this site. It's really helped me out the past couple of days. I appreciate you all!

Amanda, I really do believe you and I are in the same position and I think it's good that we want to have kids but we realize that it would be easier for us if we would as you put "get all our ducks in a row" first.

And, Miracle Mom, thank you for your input. You raise some very good points about if you want it bad enough you should go after it.

Jashobeam · 08-15-2006, 07:16 PM

Emmy, my DH and I had the same conversation and we both decided that for us fertility meds were not an option. We decided that after a set period of TTC, if I didn't get PG we would adopt. I lost 30 lbs before I got PG and was on a low-refined carb diet, which I believe may have helped a lot. Just remember, the ones who question their motives are at least thinking things through. 100 years ago, people didn't question IF they were going to have kids and if they coudln't have kids naturally they were often treated badly. At least today we have options, including adoption, which IMO is a wonderful way to give a priceless gift to a child who wants a Mommy and Daddy.

emmytons · 08-15-2006, 08:13 PM

You give me hope for the future Jashobeam! Thank you!

violamarie · 08-15-2006, 09:30 PM

Yes, I think everyone has similar doubts... why do I have this overwhelming urge to get pregnant? Is it because "that's just what women do"? Is it for attention? Will I be a good mother? Etc, etc...

TTC changed my perspective on adoption too. Before I was diagnosed, I only wanted to have my own, biological kids. But once I found out it might never happen, I realized I wanted to be a mom no matter what. And now that we have our own son, we still want to adopt one (after we're done having babies). So you can do both!

After all the TTC we did, I was overwhelmed when I got pregnant. I had so many fears and wondered if it was what I really wanted, even though I knew it was. It's just such a big change. And before it happens, you can't comprehend what having a baby will do to you. I used to wonder if I would experience the same kind of love for my kids as other moms described. I worried about it a lot. But when DS was born, I didn't even have to think about it! Now I can't remember what life was like without him.

My advice is to decide how far you are willing to go as far as treatments are concerned. Do what you feel comfortable with. For example, my RE was pretty aggressive... She started me on Clomid right away and after 3 failed rounds, she wanted to go to IUI! I was like, WHOA! I just wasn't ready to move that fast. So I spent the next 5 months charting my cycles and using prometrium to keep AF regular, and then I started Metfromin. 3 weeks later I was pregnant. I'm thankful that I didn't spend all that time and money on invasive treatments before finding out if a simpler solution would work for me. Follow your doctor's advice, but if you aren't comfortable, speak up!