Do Women feel that Conceiveing is a requirment for marrige?

Andy Fisher · 06-13-2002, 02:01 AM

Do Women feel that when they get married, the husband feels that it is required for them to conceive?

I have only posted on this program once. I have lost my password since then but with help of my fiance I got it back. lol. I am currently engaged to a soulCyster and have been since April the 22nd when I got on my knee in a park and asked her if she would be my wife. But something has been troubeling me. She knows that I like kids and wouldnt mind having kids of my own someday. However, she is afraid of not being able to concieve. Maybe I caused this problem because I expressed my intorest in haveing kids. My Fiance is constantly worrying about this problem and is worried she would let me down.
To be totaly honest with her, and all of you, I really dont care if I have kids or not. All I care about is that I have her. She is the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Wether we are able to have kids or not, is not a problem for me. I take life as it is handed to me. I think all who are here listening to this message and are having the same concerns as my fiance, should really listen to what I have to say. If you both are truly in love then the marrige, the friendship, the togetherness, all must come first. Wether or not you can have children, should be the second step. It should not overide anything else.

I wish you all well,
Andy Fisher

Kaymara · 06-13-2002, 02:53 AM

My husband has ALWAYS stressed to me that having children is not a requirement in our marraige. In fact he doesn't want to actively TTC...Just not prevent..Which is fine with me...I do not feel the pressure of wanting a child based on the fact that I am married and thinking he wants it badly, or will not love me if I cannot bear his children.

I want a child because of my own wants and feelings. I have always wanted to children...Sure I'd love to see him as a father, I feel he'd be excellent at it. And I'd love to have a part of me and a part of him, raising a family together etc...But with or without children I know that we will always love one another....

Take care and godbless!

Kay

StaciM · 06-13-2002, 04:39 AM

At the time my husband and I got married, I was under the impression that I would not be able to have kids. My husband told me at the time that I was the most important thing and that he would give up the idea of having kids with me just to be with me. That made me love him even more! I realized that he really did love me and didn't want me just to be able to bare him children. I have since found out(last July) that I have a chance to conceive, but if we aren't able to, we still have each other and that's pretty darn great!

So Andy, I agree with you completely and your fiancee is as fortunate to have you as you feel to have her! May you two have a wonderful marriage!

patu · 06-13-2002, 07:42 AM

Me and my DH really really want to have kids. Because of my problem, he understands that maybe it is not possible for us. He was the one who started to talk, that adoption is also an option.
So no, conceiving is not the requirement, It is a nice thing what happens, but still we love eacother, if it doesnt.
Child is a pluss in marriga but not must have.

Silverbird · 06-13-2002, 09:46 AM

Andy,
I was touched by your concern for your fiancee's feelings. When I got married I was already diagnosed with PCOS, and knew that it might be difficult or even impossible to conceive on my own. My husband came from a large family and always spoke of wanting children. Together we dreamed of having a family. But I felt for the first time I was faced with my "unnatural" problem: I thought getting pregnant should come naturally and effortlessly! Well, that's how it seems to happen for everyone else. I have cried so many times about this, but my husband would always reassure me that being parents doesn't mean that we have to conceive and I have to give birth. We will do all we can on our own, then look into adoption. For you, I think the most important thing is to tell your fiancee exactly what you said in your e-mail. Also, direct her to this website for support.

Take care, and I wish you both the best of luck!

DolciLady · 06-13-2002, 09:50 AM

Well.....yes I do, in MY case. My husband came out and told me so. He told me he wasn't sure he could marry me if I couldn't have children.

I wasn't totally shocked when he said that because I knew all along that he desperately wants children, and I had warned him about this PCOS/subfertility stuff. There is no guarantee I will ever conceive.

I told him he needed to think long and hard because the time had come in our relationship to think about our future together...or to let me go so we could get on with our lives.

Well...he didn't let me go. About six months after that conversation, he dropped to his knee and made me his wife.

He made a good choice, if I do say so myself.

RachRN · 06-13-2002, 10:18 AM

I want to commend you on searching out these feelings BEFORE the marriage, and for trying to understand your fiance, and the life that is before you.

I knew from the get go that I couldn't have children and I was up front with my husband when our dating got serious. He told me that he didn't love me for my uterus, or my ability to produce children. He loved me for ME. We would face the rest of that stuff together and try to handle it.

Fifteen years later, we still have NO children....we have gone through many different infertility treatments, the hormonal hell, the disappointment, the depression...you name it...we've been through it. The miracle is...HE STILL LOVES ME, and HE STICKS BESIDE ME. He doesn't always enjoy his job as a spouse of a girl with PCOS, but he does it WELL.

I know at one time I got really depressed and told him to GET OUT OF MY LIFE...I wanted him to go find a woman that he could make children with...I was mean to him, trying to force him out...But he stayed with me, insisting that he didn't love me for my ability to produce his children.

What I'm trying to say is: It's not easy to be married to a girl with PCOS, especially if you want children...but if you love her, and you are committed to her....you can work through it and find alternatives in your life that will make you happy...

Best of luck,
Rachael

Leigh30 · 06-13-2002, 01:11 PM

I've read all the responses to your post and am sitting here thinking on how best to word my answer. I of course am only going to speak for myself and not "all or most women" cuz I can't predict how others feel.

I have been with my husband for 14 yrs. (married 12 of 'em) and I told him from day one that I might not be able to get pregnant. He knew this and still wanted to marry me

I'm the one having a hard time with all of this. We've been TTC for awhile now, and by no means are we ready to give up yet... but so far it hasn't been successful. When I get in my down moods because of another negative pregnancy test, or because my ovaries didn't respond to another cycle of shots I can't help but feel like "I can't have kids" but "DH can" I know how much he wants a child, I see him with our nieces and nephews and think what a wonderful dad he would be, to bad I can't give him that child. I tell him he should just go find someone else who can give him a child because I can't. Of course being the wonderful man he is, he reassures me how much he loves me and he doesn't want anyone but me, kids or no kids. He tells me he never ever blames me, he says it's "our" problem not just "my" problem. So I can honestly say he would rather have me with no kids, then have kids but not me. And he is very open to adoption too. So I don't know if you would say it is a "requirement" but it is desired. Society says we grow up, get married, have kids. And when that doesn't happen it's a very tough thing to take. Like I said my husband doesn't blame me, nor would he ever I know this. And he hates when I get down on myself about not being able to give him a child but I tell him this.... Imagine if you had a very low or no sperm count and I was the one who ovulated fine every month. Wouldn't you blame yourself too? Wouldn't you feel that it is your fault? Well that is how I feel, he is fine, he's been checked... I'm the one who doesn't ovulate so hence it's my fault. He doesn't like that I feel this way about myself, but it helps him understand a little more.

MyJourney · 06-13-2002, 02:50 PM

Andy,

I was touched by your sentiment, and I think your fiancee is a very lucky lady.
As for myself, DH is very supportive of me and my problem. He said that he doesn't mind growing old with me, even without having kids. Which makes me feel wonderful, but I want kids, regardless of how sweet DH is about the prospect of not having any.
We have recently discovered that DH has a fertility problem as well. This by no means changes the way I feel about him.
I know I was meant to live my life with DH. I also know how strongly I feel about being a mom.
I've already got DH. Now we've gotta figure out the kid thing. And we will. If it were up to me we'd already be looking into adoption, but DH doesn't get the point of raising a child that isn't ours

!
Anyway, to answer your question, marriage is not what makes a woman want to have children. It's a maternal instinct, coupled with the society we live in.

Congratulations on your coming wedding,
Oshrat

Auty · 06-18-2002, 12:49 AM

I didnt know till we had been married for three months that I had PCOS.I told him as soon as I found out about the possibility of not being able to have children.I would love children however, I enjoy my life without them too. The thing that makes me happiest is being with DH. He really wants children strongly, even though I am the one with the problems, he feels as if it is him. He hasnt really set into the thought of not having children yet since we have just recently started TTC (5 months ago) and we havent started any infertility treatments, just glucophage and a few alternative meds.My attitude is we will get what we are blessed with and I will continually search for knowledge to help us, however if it doesn't happen thats ok too.

middle of may · 06-28-2002, 03:54 PM

I think that women do feel ashamed if they have trouble conceiving. It is very common for a man to dream of having a son, and many women feel that part of why they were chosen was to be the mother of the man's children, much like many women shun men who wouldn't be good fathers.
I already knew I'd have trouble conceiving when I went for a diagnosis, but still, coming home and telling my husband that the doctor said I would have trouble conceiving was a terrible ordeal, because to put it as bluntly as possible, I was admitting that I was ... damaged goods.
A lot of it for me, though, had more to do with me than with him. I felt life was pointless without children.
I am three months pregnant and everything seems good now, but I do know that my husband would have stayed with me, loved me, and been loyal to me whether or not I ever had his son.
If your girl is feeling ashamed, all you can do is remind her of exactly what you said on the post, pretty much that you're with her for her, not for future little hers.

LeannKanzia · 06-28-2002, 05:15 PM

I knew before I went to the doctor the first time that it probably wouldnt' be easy for me. Then my doctor took the "here are some birthcontrol pills, that will fix the problem" approach so I thought all was good. DH and I got married and moved to a new city and I had to find a new doctor. So after being married 4 months I went to the doctor and he said "PCOS" (which I had researched on my own prior to my first visit with the other doctor so I knew what that was). I was mortified....happy to finally know what was wrong, but still upset that the kid thing might not happen. That night I told DH and he was probably just as upset as me, if not more and told me (jokingly....I think) that he wanted to exchange me because I was broken and someone sold him a lemon. When put in those words it is rather funny, and he still says every so often that I'm broken. We don't talk about kids much because we aren't TTC, but I know that deep down we both would like one. I also know that if it doesn't happen then it doesn't happen and life will go on...just more money to spend on us

Good luck with your marriage!

Aussie Girl · 06-28-2002, 11:49 PM

Andy,

I wish all guys were as thoughtful and loving as you. I'm fortunate to also have someone who thinks the same way, but I find it hard to believe sometimes. I think I can relate some to how your fiancee feels. I see my DH with other peoples kids and I know that he wants some of his own. And somedays I think I am letting him down and he'll eventually leave me for someone who will be able to have kids without endless trips to Drs and medications and tests etc etc etc. But deep down I know that we'll work it out together and whether we have kids or not we will be just fine because we have each other. For my 2c worth I suggest tell her what you told us...and tell her every day

Quote:

All I care about is that I have her. She is the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

best of luck,

Kirsten

trace · 06-30-2002, 03:49 PM

My dh has the attitude if it happens it happens. But i feel the need to do it. I feel inadequate and abnormal.
Getting pg is something i thought would be simple, untill i tried.
But it is poor dh coping with my rollercoaster feelings of ttc that are worrying. It puts more strain on my marriage than if we gave up.

Krandall · 07-01-2002, 07:14 PM

My husband and I didn't even plan on having kids when we got married... we openly discussed that neither of us wanted them (we were pretty young too). This was at a time we didn't even know that I had PCOS. It has only been recently that we have toyed with the idea (now that I possibly can)... so since now we may have a chance, we are trying. But we were married for 10 years before getting to this point of "maybe". Whether we do have them or not, makes no difference to us. I cannot be held accountable for what my body does or does not do. Sure, I may be "abnormal"- but I refuse to EVEN consider that I am remotely inadequate!