Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to end it all?!?!

tanyasparks154 · 09-04-2002, 08:00 PM

Hi,

Just popped in to rant and talk. I have been in a funk lately where I'm ready to just slit my wrists! I'm so hateful that I can't even stand myself. I'm being really snappy with my dh for no reason at all. That makes him sad and then the guilt kills me. I have tried to stop but the more I try the worse I get. When I'm not mad I'm sad and depressed. If this is how bipolar disorder is then I have a long road ahead. I'm ready to go nuts! My mood swings are killing me. The meds they have me on don't help me at all. I can't take my glucophage because of the meds I'm on so that is also making me crazy. I talked to my gyn and he said that the antipsychotics and mood stabilizers are more important than the glucophage. So I had to go off of them. My Blood Pressure is high and to top all of that off I have gained 10lbs. When is it doing to end I ask you!!!

STOP THE INSANITY!!!

T

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tanya 22
235lbs.
Dx PCOS 2 yrs. ago
Dx Bipolar 6 weeks ago
Remeron 15mgs. Daily
Depakote 1000mgs. Daily
Risperdal 0.5mgs. Daily
TTC #1 - 3yrs.

KlassicalKat · 09-04-2002, 08:25 PM

Oh my dear cyster, Tanya!

I am so very, very sorry that you are going through this!

PLEASE don't do anything to hurt yourself!!!!! You are a treasured and valuable person here and we love you.

I know what you mean about snapping at DH. I was doing that so terribly on Sunday and trying not to. The worse I tried not to the worse I got! I felt like I was possessed by a demon or something. Then, AF arrived the next day and I felt better and realized it was just the d*mn hormones! Of course I apologized, but I wonder if men really could ever fully understand what we go through with our AF's ( or lack of them ) driving us crazy.

Is there any way you can give yourself a little break? Walk around the block, take a bath, read a book? I know that sounds trivial, but sometimes it helps to take your mind off things for just a bit.

I hope and pray that this pain will ease for you soon. Post all you want here. We understand.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))), Kathryn

CTCyster · 09-04-2002, 09:06 PM

Tanya,

(((HUGS)))

Wow! You're dealing with a lot right now. I just wanted to let you know that your cysters are here for you- and we want to help you get through this. Hopefully, better days are ahead for you- and if you do something drastic, you won't be here to enjoy them! Please stop and think about the consequences if you have any more of those thoughts.

I wish there was something I could do to help. Don't be too hard on yourself for your mood swings and lashing out at your DH. I am sure he understands that this is a medical condition and he is willing to be patient with you. Be thankful that now you have a diagnosis- and take it one step at a time.

I hope things are looking up for you soon- don't ever hesitate to ask for support- we're all here for you!

Aimee

tanyasparks154 · 09-04-2002, 10:53 PM

Thanks for replying. I'm not going to do anything rash. I think that I'm a chicken when it comes to that anymore. I have alot of suicidal thoughts but I have only ever acted on them once when I was like 16. My biggest issue is that I'm a self injurer. I tend to cut myself when I need a release from it all. I have been trying very hard not to do it but lately it seems the more I try to not cut the worse I want too. It seems like I cut every day now just to get some relief. But oh well. I have done this for 10yrs. I will probably do it for 10 more. This is just my life.

Atropos · 09-04-2002, 11:23 PM

I lash out at my DH and DD too. They actually get the brunt of it. I am extremely mean and can become violent in a heartbeat. It's a part of mania. Right now I'm having a mixed episode, so while I just slept most of the past two days away, when I'm up I am a demon. I can't figure out whether I want to blow MY head off or someone else's. My poor DH really has a lot to put up with.

I have no clue why the gyn doesn't want you taking the Gluc. That is just insane. As if raging, screwed up hormones won't make things worse! And you should know that Depakote can be one of the WORST things for us PCOSers to take. It can make the PCOS worse, and they even theorize that it may cause PCOS in some cases.

Hang in there. This will pass. It will. Trust me.

Brenda

Diane In Colorado · 09-14-2002, 04:27 AM

I don't know why, but I used to do that too. Anytime I was angry with any for any reason, I would hurt myself. It honestly made me feel better.
There are days when I just want to end it all too, just too many things going on. The thing that keeps me going is my daughter, I need her as much as she needs me. But there are times it seems like that doesn't even matter. (It really does, I just feel that way)

Diane In Colorado · 09-23-2002, 02:14 PM

I do feel that way, except it is my DH that is treating me like crap, and he admitted for no reason at all. I have enough issues with depression as it is, I don't need this piled on top. If my husband can make me feel like this, it just makes me feel worthless. Then it comes back to my daughter, she is the best thing. She is too young to understand too much, but as soon as I walk in the door, she runs to me, tells me that she missed me! I feel like I am being torn, one side of me wants to end it all, who cares. The other side see's my little girl, and I have to go on.
Talk about confused!!

Diane In Colorado · 09-24-2002, 02:08 PM

Yes, I have tried. I have asked if we could go to counseling, he won't hear that.
But lastnight he heard my crying in bed, cuddled up behind me, kissed my back and just kept telling me how sorry he is. Our money situation isn't real good right now, and he said that is why he has had an attitude. He agreed that that is no reason to take it out me.
So, we are kinda OK right now.