Does anyone feel numb?

shandris · 11-04-2005, 10:36 AM

I thought I was ok, but now I don't know if I am numb or what. I have been feeling "ok" since last Thurs after DH and I cried together. Now I am worried that I am pushing my son's memory away. It seems like a really bad dream, almost like I was never pregnant. That scares me, I always want to remember my son, I find myself thinking about him, but not as intensly as before. I also find myself telling myself at times that I don't want to think about what happened. I feel ashamed of that. Now I am obsessing over GBS and researching everything I possibly can. I am also obsessing over getting pregnant again.
I think about Tyler on the way home from work. When I am at work I think about him more, and the whole drama of how and what happened. 2 days ago a co-worker of mine was in the ER, I went to see her and saw the room I had been in during my m/c and the smell, and I started panicking, I got really hot and thirsty and it seemed like there were people everywhere...I had to get out of there.
I want to be ok, but I almost feel like I am trying to push the memory away so that I don't hurt anymore...I feel like I am dishonoring my son's memory.
A co-worker of mine (male) came to me, sat on the end of my desk and said "Ok, I am not really good at this, but I am just gonna ask...are you ok?" I smiled and said "Today, at this very moment, yes I am ok." He said 'Good' we talked for a while, he said he asked another 'friend' (not so sure if she is a real friend anymore or not) at church if she had spoken to me and if I was ok...He said she was like "oh no, I don't know what to say to her" and he kinda looked at her and said "so you haven't said anything at all?" Well, she has been avoiding me and the kinda pisses me off. She knows my struggle to get pregnant and the joy I felt when I was pregnant...now she won't even look at me. She is also the 'friend' who has a 9 yr old daughter that she admittedly did not and still really does not want. Her daughter is cramping her style, and she denied she was pregnant until she actually couldn't hide it anymore.
Ok, I am rambling now...it is almost like I feel if I don't feel pain for my loss I am not honoring Tyler...is that possible? I know it is supposed to get 'better' after a while, but I feel like it is too soon.

enits · 11-04-2005, 11:26 AM

I think what you're going through is pretty normal. Some days you'll feel okay, some days, you'll feel like at a standstill. My grief still comes and goes, especially when I least expect it. Certain things trigger my tears to fall. For instance, I had a good day yesterday. However, when I looked at a calendar I remembered that a year ago today we found out I was pregnant. Of course, the tears came. But with it came the positive and calm feeling that my DH and I are going to be okay for as long as we remember the babies we lost and continue to nurture our relationship.

That was so nice of your co-worker to ask you how you were feeling. As you have experienced, people don't always know what to say when someone they know has gone through a miscarriage.

I hope you have a good day today!

shandris · 11-04-2005, 11:44 AM

I think I am just being really hormonal right now. I hate my job, I hate my boss, I am tired of my office mate....geez, gotta get it together. I don't think I am ok today. It'll be ok though...thanks Enits

jnmanderson · 11-04-2005, 12:04 PM

Shandris

I'm so sorry for your loss!

When we go through something like this in our lives there is no real "normal" - we will go through different lives of grieve and some of us feel them in different orders.

I honestly think your "numb" feeling is the way of dealing with it right now! Know that there is nothing wrong with it! Your Tyler would want you to be able to move on (as some wise women here told me) and be happy - not to be unhappy for the rest of our lives!!! Also know that you will have some days you will think of him more and some not as much; yet you are NOT dishonoring his memory in the least as he will ALWAYS be in your heart!!

Take care

SheriKCMO · 11-04-2005, 01:09 PM

shandris,
i was numb for quite some time, and it gradually wore off and let me feel the reality gradually. i found that numbness very helpfull, because everything at once would have been too much to bear. this can be a natural stage of grief for a lot of people, so don't worry at all.

believe me, you cannot and will not forget tyler. there are days now when i get a flashback of the day i delivered mary catherine, and i can see her face in my mind's eye just as clearly and painfully as i did at the time. and i recall my very different pregnancy symptoms that i had with her and only her. these tiny people are etched into our hearts, and we will remember and love and honor them in our unique ways until we are gone ourselves.

hugs,
sheri