I can't go into specifics, but someone very close to me is in the process of adopting. The agency matched them with a birth family. The birthmom's EDD is very soon and she's been having false labor. She was admitted to the hospital for a week and the adopting couple were told to fly down to get the process started. It turned out to be a false alarm and instead of going home, because birthmother is so close they are staying down there. They are running out of money because they've been buying the birthmother and her family meals so that she'd eat nutritiously.
In the meantime, they are in limbo waiting for this baby to be born. The adoptive parents are on leave from work and the adoptive father has already burned off 1/3 of his vacation time.
So, I'm just wondering if anyone else was in a similar position dealing with an agency/birth parents. If you were or have been in something like this what should the next steps be? I'm just really concerned about them and want them to realize their dreams about becoming parents but something just doesn't seem right.
I've never dealt with a agency so I can't help there and I can't imagine how stressful it must be just "waiting". How much longer does she have till her due date? What doesn't seem right to you about it? I don't guess I fully understand......
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I guess I'm not understanding fully your question about what is appropriate. Are you asking if it is common to pay for birthmother expenses like food? That is definitely reasonable. I'm not sure what you mean by feeding her "family" too? Do you mean her immediate family like other children, birthfather or like aunts and uncles etc? We've helped with groceries and meals for our birthmom, her little son, and the birthfather.
What "process" are they getting started? Depending upon when the birthmom's due date is I would say if this is creating a financial burden for them maybe the husband could go home until the birth. Perhaps both of them could go home?
So far nothing you've said is really a red flag out of the ordinary situation to me.
Good luck to your friends! This is a very wonderful time in their lives!
Julia
__________________ "To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children...to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...THIS IS TO HAVE SUCCEEDED" Ralph Waldo Emerson
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They are feeding the birthfather and her other children as well. I guess the fact that they just seem to be in limbo staying out there is raising a red flag to me.
Maybe someone here can help me with this. I guess the birthmother has had no prenatal care whatsoever. When she's gone to the ER they just take her vitals and maybe some blood but nothing specific to determine the health of the baby like an u/s. No doctor will give them any more than the basic care because they are poor and uninsured. Aren't doctors supposed to check the health of the baby with u/s or even a doppler check when the woman visits the hospital? The people I know have no way of knowing if the baby is okay. What can they do to push for more detailed prenatal care?
Sadly I've been told by multiple people it is not uncommon for birthmoms to not receive prenatal care. Our birthmom hadn't received any prenatal care prior to us matching and then went one time and they did an ultrasound to determine the due date and see how things were going. Then she Medicaid screwed up and discontinued her and we had a battle for two months to get her reinstated so she could receive care. My concern with your friends would be how do they know when she is due for sure? What state are they in? She should be eligible for some form of aid to provide her with medical care. Your friends might have to take her to the welfare office to make that happen though. Their agency should be helping them with all of these issues. Well atleast advising them. Who is going to pay for the delivery if she doesn't have Medicaid? That could get expensive for your friends.
One thing I've learned through our experience and a friends is that even an adoption with HUGE red flags can end with a happy healthy baby and it makes it all worthwhile. It's really up to the adoptive parents to figure out what type of risks financially and emotionally they are willing to accept and then just pray for the best!
As for buying food for the family I don't know how common it is but we've done it. It's just one of the birthmother living expenses we agreed to help out with. Although our little birthmom was able to get some food stamps... $60/month for a family of 3!... to help out. They are VERY generous people and I think have a hard time having us help out.
I don't know if any of that is helpful but I do wish them good luck. The only thing I would really recommend is for them to take her to the Medicaid office and get her immediate aid, then find an ob/gyn and get an appointment. I may be mistaken about this but I just can't imagine a state not having some type of public assisted prenatal care program for her to be seen.
Good luck!
Julia
__________________ "To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children...to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...THIS IS TO HAVE SUCCEEDED" Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Just wondering whatever happened with your friends?
Julia
__________________ "To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children...to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...THIS IS TO HAVE SUCCEEDED" Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Julia-Thanks for asking. The baby was born early this morning, it's a boy! The birthparents rights will be terminated on Tuesday and the adoptive parents will then start the adoption paperwork and will be able to take him home. The adoption will be finalized 6 months after that. But it sounds like the boy arrived safely.
Oh how wonderful!!! Congrats to your friends!
Julia
__________________ "To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children...to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...THIS IS TO HAVE SUCCEEDED" Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Just curious but all is well with your friends and the baby? They must be home now right?
Julia
__________________ "To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children...to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...THIS IS TO HAVE SUCCEEDED" Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Does this sound on the up and up? 
