Which domestic adoption type did you chose, why, & are you happy about the process?

~Traci~ · 10-05-2004, 01:55 PM

I'm wondering how many of you chose what type of domestic adoption (Open, Semi-Open, Closed, etc), why you chose it, & if you're happy about the process. Pros & cons that you can think of etc.

I think we're leaning more towards a semi-open adoption but I'm just curious how the experiences have been w/ the others as well as w/ semi-open. We definately want access to medical information b/c I know the horrible time my mom had when she tried to get her medical records on her parents (she was adopted when she was born...she's 55 now so back then everything was closed & sealed). We don't think we want to exchange personal information like addresses, phone numbers, etc just b/c I'm terrified that the BM would come in the middle of the night & take our child. What else are the difference that you know of?

Thanks so much!
Traci

so-tired · 10-05-2004, 06:50 PM

Traci-

i don't know how much help I will be... but I will try!

Our adoption chose us. We were friends of the BM. We originally were planning on doing an open adoption then BM became very violent and started using drugs again. We decided it would be best for DS if she was out of the picture. We then agreed to allow a birth-grandmother relationship. As time goes on we have realized that it is just not a good idea and we have had to tell BGM that we cannot allow any further contact until DS requests it. We will send yearly updates and pictures, but that is it.

For us the idea of open adoption was a lot better than the reality of it. If we adopt again we will not do an open adoption. It is also important to distinguish our adoption from adoption agency adoptions. We officially adopted thru social services. If we allow the birth family a relationship that is fine, but social services does not suggest it.

Lastly, we feel that there are so many amazing kids out there that need homes that we will adopt an "older" child next time (3 and under, not a newborn like DS was). The cost is soooo much lower (1-5k compared to 10-15k) and we feel like there is more of a need. It is not for everyone tho. I am so glad I was able to experience a real newborn... I just don't feel like I have to have one again.

Sorry this was so long.

Hope I have helped some. Best of luck! Follow your heart!!!

dms · 10-06-2004, 01:05 PM

Hello!

We have a semi-open adoption with our daughter. We didn't choose it, the birthmother chose us and that is just how it happened. We got to know the birthmother for two months prior to our daughter's birth. I was able to go to the doctor appts, ultrasound and I was there for her birth. I was the first one to hold her! It was amazing. After that, our contact with b/m was limited to phone calls (for the first year) and now just letter/pictures once or twice a year. It has been a great experience but there were some pretty difficult times to get through. Understandably, the b/m is very emotional, and since we grew to care for her so much it was very emotional on us too.

I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. We love our daughter so much!

Good luck to you. Feel free to let me know if you have any specific questions.

Dawn

rachelmichellek · 10-06-2004, 04:35 PM

I am doing domestic older-child adoption from the foster system, but not the "traditional" foster-to-adopt: I am only considering kids whose parental rights have already been termnated, so there will be no "returns" to worry about. I have found this to be the least expensive adoption option ( in fact, my agency is free).

I think I'm open to ages 5-17 (ideally, 10-16). I don't think the day care arrangements for a child younger than five would be something I can handle right now, nor am I currently interested in the "diapers" stage at this point.

spookycyster · 10-06-2004, 07:50 PM

Hi,

Our domestic adoption was classified as "semi open". I met with ds's bm the day I brought him home from the hospital at 4 days old. She had not contacted the agency until after ds was born, so that is why we had no prior contact with her. Dh met her two weeks later when he returned from deployment. I don't think that I could handle an open adoption. I support anyone who does, but it just wouldn't be for us.

All contact is thru the agency. The agreement was pics/update every three months for the first year and then once a year. I will likely send pictures/updates more often than once a year, but my only requirement is once a year. I haven't seen her since ds was 2 weeks old. She has since moved out of the state. She and the bf did give us good medical histories, so we have that information. I also have pictures of us with the bm and her mom. We have never met the bf and probably never will. He's never sent a picture of himself either, which kinda makes me sad.

We had a great experience with our agency and adoption and I would do it again in a heart beat. Actually we were planning to adopt thru them again, but our move overseas has put that plan on hold for now.

Good luck to you.

~Lisa~ · 10-08-2004, 05:48 PM

We had decided to do a open adoption and we really didn't access to many medical records, but we were going to have a open adoption and allow bm to have pictures etc. Things didn't start out the best. She became to be very possesive and I did send pictures at first. Then I found that I had been lied to. It turned out she had a affair with her father and didn't even bother to tell me this. He claims his granddaughter is his daughter and it's been a total mess. In order to protect my daughter, I put a stop to all contact with any of them. It's something I hated to do but I chose to do to protect my family. I was being harrased and it was a terrible situation. If she chooses to find them later on I will help her but right now I will not allow them in my life or my childs.

Dallinsmom · 10-24-2004, 02:06 AM

We have what's technically an open adoption but only rare contact w/ ds's birthmom.

We have exchanged full identifying info--names, addresses, etc. The adoption started out semi-open. We wrote often through our agency. We met his bmom 3 times, once before his birth, once at placement, and once when he was a week old. At six months after finalization we exchanged all our info. At that time, much to our surprise, his bmom told us that she felt that after his 1st birthday she wanted to end all contact and that she needed to "move on". I was shocked and disappointed because I had really envisioned an open adoption with lots of contact and even occasional visit. But I understood where she was coming from.

Luckily, she hasn't been able to stick to that resolve. We hear from her 2-3 times a year and we write about that often. I would love to see her again but she isn't ready. We did get to see ds's birthgrandma when she had a layover in our city a few months ago. It was a really great visit.

I am very happy with how things are. I would love to have a visit with her at some point. She has been the "perfect" birthmom and I couldn't have asked for a smoother adoption. I have never had any fears about her taking ds back, including the 30 days after placement when she had the opportunity to change her mind.

My advice would be to start out semi-open and then you can change things once time goes by and you get to know one another. I felt from the beginning that I wanted an open adoption, but I would not promise that until I knew for sure (our agency didn't do open adoptions from the beginning anyway--they gave families the option after finalization, though). I felt very strongly that I didn't want to promise anything and then possibly have to go back on that promise. I tried to be as honest as possible with her every step of the way.

I have a friend who has open adoptions with both of her children. They see her older dd's birthmom and birthgrandma several times a year and it's worked out perfectly for them. But they didn't start out open either--it happened later.

With a lot of my friends who have adopted, it's the adoptive families who are pushing for more contact, and the birthparents who are holding back and wanting less. (I'm sure because it is painful.) I also think that regardless of what kind of adoption you pursue, it's important to come to terms with the fact that your child has other parents (not saying that you haven't, but just speaking generally--I've know a few adoptive parents who chose closed adoption because they didn't want to have to deal with the issue of birthfamilies).

MicKen · 10-24-2004, 04:00 AM

Wow, you all sound so wonderful with your adoptions. I chose international adoption because I really wanted a "closed" adoptiion.

Can you have a closed adopton anymore through domestic adoption in the United States? If not, how often is it "semi-closed", and what does that entail?

Ange75 · 11-02-2004, 12:17 PM

I am currently "waiting for the call" but we are using the Independent Adoption Center. I really love them. They have made the process so easy and comfortable. I had a friend recommend them after they adopted 2 babies through them. THey are an Open adoption agency - but the level of contact is chosen by you and the birthmother. All the decisions are made together with a counselor. I've really been pleased with the process. Good luck!

~Traci~ · 11-23-2004, 03:24 PM

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. We're closer to deciding on adoption as we were told today we basically have no hope in having a healthy pg (very slim chance & I don't think I can go through a 5th m/c mentally).

We talked about it & will either do a domestic semi-open adoption or an international Chinese adoption (as soon as I turn 30 in 6 months!).

So I'll be around these parts a lot more learning all that I can about both options!

Thanks so much!
Traci