Domestic? Foreign? Where do we start?

Delila · 03-13-2004, 09:50 PM

Hello ladies I am new to this board. After being told I am going to m/c for the second time (this time i got pregnant thanks to IVF)
My husband and I are realizing that adoption might be the only way to go. We have always talked about it and even if I try IVF one more time I think we should start the adoption process. We would like to have more than one child anyway. I am 39 and don't have time to waste. It will be a good 4-5 months probably before I can even start another IVF cycle. We will only try again if the doctor thinks he can figure out the possible cause for the m/c. Both times I got pregnant it was basiclly over before it got started. He might tell us the quality of my eggs are not any good and of course I want him to run any test he can to determine the problem. My husband on the other hand has had enough of this and just wants a child. He doesn't care if it is domestic or foreign adoption he just doesn't want us to go through this anymore.

Where or how is the best place to start. I live in NJ. Do I find an agency or an adoption lawyer? We would like to adopt a baby if possible. We are stressed over all the expenses that go with both IVF and adoption but we know we will do whatever we have to do to get through it. Please give any starting point or tips you may have. I am so confused it is making me crazy. I can't think straight.

Calantha · 03-14-2004, 10:55 AM

The decision where to adopt from is a very personal one. For us it came with a lot of research and PRAYER. We first chose Russia, but then heard they were switching to a 2 trip system and my husband would never be able to get that kind of time off. Then we found a waiting child in Kazakhstan that we both fell in love with. The agency handling him was all the way in CA and insisted on doing everything through the US postal service, thus we asked to sign a contract to adopt him exactly 12 hours after another couple signed one. That hurt a lot, we felt like we had already bonded with him as we stared at his picture and watched his video over and over again. After a little time for grieving and a lot more prayer, we chose Colombia. The very same day, a new round of civil war broke out in Colombia. That frightened us enough that we immediately changed our minds to Guatemala, which at the time was probably the most popular, safe and EXPENSIVE option. We actually applied to an agency and everything, only to have our car die out. We were forced to put things on hold because we couldn't afford a Guatemalan adoption AND a new car.. and DH couldn't get to work to make money FOR the adoption without the car! Then one day a lady from our agency called me up out of the blue. "I was wonderring if you had ever considered Colombia. The costs are SO much less, and the children really are beautiful." I told her our concerns about safety and she assured me that they have never had a problem with any of the adoptive families they have sent to Colombia. She also told me that due to the length of the process in Guatemala, not only would Colombia be a cheaper option, but that our son would probably come home at a much younger age.. which was really important to us. I told her I would have to discuss it with DH, but I already knew what our answer would be. I called him at work as soon as we hung up and told him about the call. Immediately he said "Of course!" as though to say "Aha! We had the right answer once, why did we ever change our minds?!" So, Colombia it is!
As for domestic adoption, I have to admit that we are quite frightened by the stories of birth parents changing their mins years later, and courts ripping children from the only home they know to send them back to their birth parents. We were also afraid of the whole idea of having to be chosen by a birth mother. We know that we will be good parents, but we wonder how can anyone know that just by looking at some pictures of us versus some pictures of another couple? How do we know we won't be waiting forever for someone to realize? There are a lot of uncertainties in international adoption, but in our minds, there were a lot more in domestic adoption (in OUR minds, it is different for everyone, as I said it is a very personal decision).
Best of luck to you, I just wanted to point out one other thing.. most adoption agencies, domestic or international, will not allow you to continue fertility treatments after you sign with them. In the interest of the children involved, they want you to have time to bond with your children, etc.
-Brandy

Lisa2008 · 03-14-2004, 01:12 PM

i completly agree with Calantha, the decision is so personnal and unique.
i would start researching and reading everything i could. once you decide where you want to go you can get in touch with an agency or lawyer, or social services.
the decision has to be right for your dh and you. try not to let family influence your decision at this point. Im so sorry for your loss, but i wish you the best of luck in the future. there are so many happy stories on this board, and good things are happening all the time here. hope the luck will rub off!

momma2more · 03-14-2004, 05:21 PM

I just wanted to give you my input on domestic adoption. We adopted our son right here in the State of Michigan where we live and it was the best experince we could have ever hoped for. It was completley flawless.

My son was born at 26 weeks weighing only 2lbs. So....we moved very quickly. Both the birth mother and birth father signed off when my son was just a month old. Once they have signed off their rights in court there is NO WAY they can ever come back to regain custody. We were so relieved on theat courrt day but I honestly wasn't worried. I knew he was ours from the day he was born. God gave us great stregth. I stayed with my son the whole 64 days he was in the hospital. When the BM signed off I had told her that she could come and see him in the hospital whenever she wanted. She only came twice but I wanted to let her see him if she wanted.

My son will turn 4 next month and he is completley healthy...a little sassy

but healthy and we have had nothing but joy.

You just research and do what is best for you. I just wanted to share my experince with you. God answered our prayers we are parents!!! Good luck and may God be with you!!

I'm sorry for your losses. I understand your pain. Take care of your self.
Kelly

spookycyster · 03-14-2004, 09:44 PM

Hello,

We also adopted a domestic infant here in our state. DS was brought home from the hospital at 4 days old. BM and BF had both signed away their parental rights, but the official termination didn't come for three months. There is no way they can come back and try to take ds from us. Once the papers are signed at the hospital, that's it. I wouldn't worry about that part at all!!

We also tried 2 cycles of IVF, both of which resulted in negatives. We reached the point where we realized we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to be pregnant. That's when we started our adoption process. We were open with our social worker about the possibility of doing another cycle of IVF in the future and she thought that was great. I wouldn't recommend doing a cycle while you waited for "the call" because of the ups and downs associated with both adoption and IVF, but that's just my opinion. I really truly don't know if we are going to ever attempt another IVF cycle. It's just too much physically, emotionally and financially. We are soooooo very happy and blessed with ds and know that adoption was exactly right for us!

Best of luck to you. I say go with what your heart tells you.

Delila · 03-15-2004, 07:45 PM

Thanks girls I am glad to read your happy stories about domestic adoption. I think I may start looking into as soon as this cycle ends...hopefully soon.
thanks again,
delila

dms · 03-15-2004, 11:21 PM

I, too, adopted domestically here in Michigan. We had a wonderful experience. The birthmother who chose us (after waiting only 2 months) allowed us to go to her doctor appointments and ultrasound. We got to know the birthmother for 4 months until Erin was born. It was a great bonding experience. The birthmother let me in the delivery room and I was the first one to hold my daughter! Awesome! I am so grateful to have been able to know her birthmother. Some day, when she has questions, I will be able to better answer them.
We are currently working on our second domestic adoption. I am not against international adoption though. In fact, we are interested in international adoption for our third child.

I suggest that you do some reading and research and then make your decision.

By the way, I am sorry that you are having trouble medically. I didn't understand from your post if you had a m/c or if it is expected that you will have one. Either way, I am sorry.

Take care and good luck!

Dawn